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  #11  
Old 10-20-2010, 06:44 PM
gr8xpectations gr8xpectations is offline
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I think I agree with Mono after reading Questioning's last post. If he gets jealous over others being interested in you, but wants what he wants whenever he wants it, that is not an appropriate poly point of view. Now, perhaps because of what he is currently experiencing, he would now be fine with others being interested in you also. You don't have to actually want an outside relationship to simply ask him if it is ok for you to see other people now as well. His reaction to that question would let you know if he is for real, or trying to manipulate you.
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  #12  
Old 10-20-2010, 07:00 PM
QuestioningMono QuestioningMono is offline
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Just a few weeks ago, to a month.. he would get upset when I was talking to a gentelman in MD. Got jealous, asked all sorts of questions. I was friendly with the other man. Because my SO got upset, I stopped talking to the other man.

Now, because he has "her" in his life, when I mentioned that the other man would like to meet up with me .. now.. he all of a sudden says, even though he would like it he wouldn't keep me from doing it.

I think he only said that to keep on doing what he's doing... I have a feeling that if I ever called him on what I consider a bluff... he'd be very upset and possessive.

In our 4 years of knowing each other, he's been "very" possessive of me and who I talk to. But now.. he's changed 180 degrees.

*shakes my head* I am so confused it's not funny... *sighs*
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  #13  
Old 10-20-2010, 07:16 PM
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River River is offline
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QM,

I'm seeing in him a desire to maintain with you a double standard.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/double+standard.

Am I right?

If so, how do you feel about that?
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  #14  
Old 10-20-2010, 07:20 PM
QuestioningMono QuestioningMono is offline
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Yes, that is what I believe. I have thought of that. I travel to MD quite often, at least once a month.. have never met this other man in RL. Never planned on it. I am "soooo" tempted to let the other man know that I'll be in town in a few weeks... let my SO know I'm going to meet up with this other man, just to see how he will react. Even if it is just for coffee.

My presumption is that my SO will blow a gasket.. and if he does, I can say "NOW" you know how I feel, have felt about "her".

Fact of the matter is... even if I care about someone else, I would never "do" anything because I feel like I'd be cheating. Even though I know "her", the looks he gives her that I never see him showing me... or the constant mentioning of her ... breaks my heart.
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  #15  
Old 10-20-2010, 08:23 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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This is kind of off-topic for this thread (and maybe the mods could split this to a seperate topic), so...

@QM: I would advise against doing something out of spite or to "test" your partner - down that road lies all sorts of ruin.

But if the two of you have agreed that your relationship will allow others in and if you want to meet up with this person and think you would enjoy spending some time with someone, then why not?

Have the two of you talked about boundaries at all? Things like safer sex expectations, and things like that? (and I don't just mean for you, but for him too)

The gut feeling I have from reading your posts is that things are kind of spiralling out of control in your relationship right now, that you don't know where you stand and that maybe just adding more chaos into the mix won't actually solve anything.

Mono/poly can work out if that is what each partner wants. If it is dictated by one of the partners ("I can have more than one, but you're not allowed to") then that tends to lead to bad feelings of unfairness.

I believe that part of the growing process is very much understanding what you do and don't want for yourself. The next step is to communicate it to the partner that you love and have made a commitment to. This is hard when worlds suddenly start opening up and you don't really know what you want, but then the process should be one that the couple take together, rather at odds with each other.

For me, I tend to like things to go slower, making sure that everyone is OK, before anything else is undertaken.
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  #16  
Old 10-20-2010, 08:25 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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If you want to meet this man for coffee, you should, and you should tell your boyfriend. Not JUST to see his reaction, but because that is how it is done. If you were meeting a female for coffee to compare art portfolios, you'd probably tell your boyfriend about that too. it shouldn't matter WHY, if you're meeting a new person in another town, it's NATURAL to share these things with your SO. I met several people from this forum and none of them were "dates" (well Mags was a "coffee" date ) but I told my husband "Hey so-and-so from that forum is gonna be in town and we're getting together for whatever". It's perfectly normal to talk about your life. But if he DOES get jealous-sounding over that, there's your "red-flag".

ETA: Looks like CDM just said the same thing while I was writing this.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 10-20-2010 at 08:27 PM.
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  #17  
Old 10-20-2010, 09:29 PM
QuestioningMono QuestioningMono is offline
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Well... on the drive home ... we carpool ... he told me how he was feeling, that I was cornering him, closing him in a corner.

He made a decision... told me to get my finances together .. basically .. and look for an apartment to move to.

Yes, you read that correctly ... after a 4 plus year off and on relationship, and after telling me he wanted to marry me ... he is choosing "her" over me, and is kicking me to the curb.
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  #18  
Old 10-20-2010, 09:35 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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So sorry QM....but it sounds like he wasn't worth the time you have put in. Think of it as a lucky escape? There are some great real genuine poly people out there, I know coz I married one.
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  #19  
Old 10-20-2010, 11:48 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
This is kind of off-topic for this thread (and maybe the mods could split this to a seperate topic), so...

@QM: I would advise against doing something out of spite or to "test" your partner - down that road lies all sorts of ruin.

But if the two of you have agreed that your relationship will allow others in and if you want to meet up with this person and think you would enjoy spending some time with someone, then why not?

Have the two of you talked about boundaries at all? Things like safer sex expectations, and things like that? (and I don't just mean for you, but for him too)

The gut feeling I have from reading your posts is that things are kind of spiralling out of control in your relationship right now, that you don't know where you stand and that maybe just adding more chaos into the mix won't actually solve anything.

Mono/poly can work out if that is what each partner wants. If it is dictated by one of the partners ("I can have more than one, but you're not allowed to") then that tends to lead to bad feelings of unfairness.

I believe that part of the growing process is very much understanding what you do and don't want for yourself. The next step is to communicate it to the partner that you love and have made a commitment to. This is hard when worlds suddenly start opening up and you don't really know what you want, but then the process should be one that the couple take together, rather at odds with each other.

For me, I tend to like things to go slower, making sure that everyone is OK, before anything else is undertaken.
I'm not sure what you want split off Ceil... maybe you could start a thread yourself?

Mono poly relationships take more work than any other I think... it's a HUGE job and in no way is anyone bad, wrong, copping out if they don't want to do it and just can't grasp why they should, but I am a bit wary of putting the blame on him entirely. There are plenty of men that want more than one woman and struggle with them having another man in their lives... its called a one penis policy (OPP) it sounds like this has been his take in the past for you. Now that he understands that one can love more than one, he wants you to know he has changed his opinion and wants you to have the same thing... trouble is that he is struggling to actually put that into practice.

really, you have every right to not chose this path, but you may be missing out on some huge lessons in deciding that. Your pain is valid and part of a process to get to a point of comfort.... the process is full of self discovery and can bring you to a place that you didn't know existed with in you... a place of loving more and accepting others more, including yourself. this doesn't mean you have to be poly, but it means that you will be independent yet merged with people who love you entirely and for everything you are... you will love them also for what they bring to your life.

If I were in your situation I would start reading, promoting his reading also. Start talking about what you read together. Find stories and situations that are similar to yourselves and follow them through to see what people have learned and how they have come to where they are today... not all of them end well, but some do. What do you have to lose? You could leave a 4 year relationship, that would be a loss, or you could learn something. You could still find that your relationship ends, but at least you will have learned something.

Your man sounds like he is in his NRE stage of his relationship. Maybe start with a search on here by looking at tags and stickies to see what you come up with. There is a lot to look at... then you could look at mono/poly tags... also a lot...

I would suggest not throwing the baby out with the bath water just yet. It sounds to me like there could be more to be gained by seeing what you discover.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-20-2010 at 11:54 PM.
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  #20  
Old 10-20-2010, 11:56 PM
QuestioningMono QuestioningMono is offline
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It is over. I've moved to the 2nd bedroom.. everything except my clothes from the closet and dresser are gone. He even brought a pair of my flipflops that had slid under the dresser in... just in spite.

He does "not" care, at all about how I am feeling. He is living by his "other head" and can't see what he's had right in front of his face.

I am here -- she is long distance.

I give him "everything" except asking what he wants to do when online. FFS!!

What the hell... i am just a friggen body... well.. he can have her... I'm done. he has made his choice.. let him choke on it
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