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  #141  
Old 10-13-2010, 11:22 PM
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sparky615 sparky615 is offline
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Thanks for your input and understanding in this tough time.

TL: Thanks very much. I've had the opportunity to look over Polly's shoulder and read some of your posts. All very kind, thoughtful, and appreciated. Buddy, it was completely in my interest to have C around. Absolutely no doubt. But I never tried to keep her in close. Just the opposite. Polly went to heroic measures in trying to deal with my connection with C. But it was tough to watch. I told Polly on many many occasions "just say the word, anytime. It will be over 100%" Of course that puts the pressure on her (Polly) to do something to break my heart ( tell me to break it off with C ). Dig? No winners, dude.


Redpepper: thank you also for your sage advice. Certainly there may be the tiniest tinge of punishment, but we have been communicating. In fact we sat down for lunch the other day. Unfortunately, it didn't go very well So I thought it would be a good idea just to take a step back. It's so hard though

As far as the counseling thing, we've already been to counseling twice in the past. Not a ton of sessions, but several. I've been to counseling on my own, as has she. They don't know anything more than anyone else. Sorry to any counselors out there, no offense. I just don't recall them as being that helpful. Not the ones in our price range, anyway. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
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  #142  
Old 10-13-2010, 11:42 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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As far as the counseling thing, we've already been to counseling twice in the past. Not a ton of sessions, but several. I've been to counseling on my own, as has she. They don't know anything more than anyone else. Sorry to any counselors out there, no offense. I just don't recall them as being that helpful. Not the ones in our price range, anyway. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
I would say that it depends on the counselor and the situation. I would think that this situation definitely qualifies as needing a neutral third party to help peel away some of the crap so you can get past it.

My husband I have been seeing a counselor for a couple months now and it has been a tremendous help (cheating was the preverbal straw). After we got past the cheating issue, we were able to get to some of the long buried resentments. We also discovered that we really SUCK at communicating. I think the counselor has really helped my husband with this, but I think I've gotten more help from this board. However, it wouldn't work if we weren't both going and working together.
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  #143  
Old 10-14-2010, 12:52 AM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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TL: Thanks very much. I've had the opportunity to look over Polly's shoulder and read some of your posts. All very kind, thoughtful, and appreciated. Buddy, it was completely in my interest to have C around. Absolutely no doubt. But I never tried to keep her in close. Just the opposite. Polly went to heroic measures in trying to deal with my connection with C. But it was tough to watch. I told Polly on many many occasions "just say the word, anytime. It will be over 100%" Of course that puts the pressure on her (Polly) to do something to break my heart ( tell me to break it off with C ). Dig? No winners, dude.

You are totally correct. There are no "winners". But....SOMEONE has to be the brave one who steps forward and says "I forgive you", or "Please forgive me". Once my wife and I got past being stubborn, we were able to get past some of our OWN issues. Some we have not gotten past yet, others...well...They are water under the bridge and LOOOONG gone.

Now you're telling us that Polly was the one who was taking the bullet by pushing you into this relationship. She was not really ok with it at first? Just curious. But even though she was not "ok" with it, she loved you so much that she pushed the two of you together, and eventually also fell in love with C? Is this correct? (I have a tendancy to get confused easily. Just ask my wife! LOL)

Either way, it makes no difference......You both need to re-assure each other that you DO still love each other, and that you can work through this.

Once you have both done this, you can work forward. Until then, it's the blame game. There is plenty to go around........Personally, it would be better the other way.
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  #144  
Old 10-17-2010, 04:11 AM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Better post an update here....cuz inquiring minds want to know!!

So, the hubby and I are still separated. We are both 'cautiously optimistic' however know that we will both be fine if it doesn't work out for one or both of us.

It has been quite the trip. Never one that I thought would arrive. I thought we were solid. You know, I thought we were good together, and that all our 'stuff' had been resolved throughout our 26 years together! Wow. A lifetime almost!

This year has been jam packed with lots of 'exciting' life events....11 months ago, my Mom died. Then we went on a major European adventure. Then we attempted our first 3-some, which turned into a love affair between my hubby and C. It is no wonder, we are a bit messed up.

The C incident - now, fondly referred to as a big 'cluster fuck' (no pun intended) peeled off a hard crusty scab that actually revealed a deep deep cavity of pussy goodness. Eeek. Apologies for the graphic description. Now, we are knee deep in that pus, and I, for one, am wondering 'where the fuck did that come from and why did it not reveal itself earlier?'

Doesn't matter. It is here now. THIS is the time to clean the wound. And it takes the full cooperation of both of us to help it heal.

I am working on my part. I hope that he is working on his. We are talking, texting and Skyping....HOW romantic - so that is all good.

C is NOT in the picture for either of us, though is still contacting friends of ours .

What an experience! I am sure that good things will come out of it, but at the moment....JUST a dirty wound.

Thanks for all your great advice.
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  #145  
Old 10-17-2010, 06:59 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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The C incident - now, fondly referred to as a big 'cluster fuck' (no pun intended) peeled off a hard crusty scab that actually revealed a deep deep cavity of pussy goodness. P2
For whatever reason, I can't edit this now....so better correct my GROSSS FREUDIAN SLIP ......
it should read, "revealed a deep deep cavity of pus".

Not that the other description was UNtrue or anything!! lol

Peace out,
P2
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  #146  
Old 10-17-2010, 07:03 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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LMAO! "pussy goodness". hehehehehehehe!!!!!!
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  #147  
Old 10-18-2010, 10:45 AM
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Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
Now, we are knee deep in that pus, and I, for one, am wondering 'where the fuck did that come from and why did it not reveal itself earlier?'

Doesn't matter. It is here now. THIS is the time to clean the wound.
Lord, I never expected this latest turn of events, and I'm so sorry for you both.

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As far as the "cheating" episode goes. We were broken up, I had broken up with C for real. I burned bridges behind me so that there was no chance of reconciliation. I did the right thing for Polly and for our marriage. So what does Polly do? Goes out and gets loaded and screws her in the parking lot of the bar. Polly can't understand why I see it differently that it was ok for me to play slap and tickle while we were still seeing each other, but not ok for them to do it after the relationship had ended.
I'm not too happy about airing our dirty laundry here, but I've tried many times to explain why I was so hurt by that action. Obviously it's not the sex part, I see it as a premeditated action against me. Polly herself says that she knew something was going to happen when they left the bar to go out for a smoke. And apparently they were both saying something to the effect of "we can't do this" as it was happening. Knew it was the wrong thing to do, that it would crush me, and did it anyway. I hope that I don't seem unreasonable.
I'm so glad to see you posting here, Sparky, even if it makes you uncomfortable. You don't seem unreasonable to me at all. Throughout this whole thing, you seem like you've stayed sanest of all, and done the best job of really exercising the self-discipline to stay within the agreed boundaries. So this final encounter must feel like even more of a slap in the face!

Is it possible that it wasn't a premeditated action against you? It might have been more about Polly and C. Just food for thought.

Personally, when I cheated (and I sure hope I never do again!), I discovered an immense, unsuspected ability to fool myself about the seriousness of my actions. To convince myself it would be ok. Deep in my heart I knew it would crush my ex, but I managed to drown out that inner voice so completely, it took me a long time to be able to hear it. To fully understand the magnitude of what I had begun.

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Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
So, the hubby and I are still separated. We are both 'cautiously optimistic' however know that we will both be fine if it doesn't work out for one or both of us.
Best wishes to both of you in working it out, and in cleaning the wound. I'm so floored by all of this! But still hopeful that, once the pus is gone, you'll find yourselves more strongly connected in the end.
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