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Old 10-17-2010, 01:21 AM
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sage sage is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
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Default The Struggling Mono Thread

I'm starting this thread because I seem to keep almost hi-jacking KT's blog and I think there needs to be a place where mono behavior can be discussed openly without fear of upsetting anyone.

There seem to be a few people on here struggling with mono/poly relationships at the moment and the big "D" word comes up (D for Divorce).

For anyone considering it as a solution to a poly/mono problem here is what happened for us. Ironically here I'm mono, in my marriage I wanted to be poly (go figure that one).

I had a long marriage. The relationship latest in total 28 years. It ended when I fell in love with someone who was also married and was also in love with me. We both would have been happy to continue in our marriages and have our relationship as secondary but our spouses wouldn't allow it.

I left, J didn't and I wasn't prepared to carry on a relationship with a married man whose wife didn't support polyamory.

My husband went through a lot more hell at the time than I did. In many ways my NRE carried me through it. My suffering came later. But he remained adamant. He said that he wanted someone to love him the way I loved J and he wasn't content with the quiet, almost paternal love that I had for him.

It was a really tough time, there is no denying it and my youngest daughter, who was 17 at the time was badly affected, but she wasn't that great in herself even with us together.

My X was alone for a number of months, although not short of dates. I kind of helped him find a woman that I knew would be good for him. Over two years have passed and they are flying off to New York (a big deal from New Zealand) to get married next week. He is much, much happier with her than I could ever have made him.

My daughters are both fine too, even the younger one.

Things are probably still toughest for me out of anyone because financially things did take a bit of a tumble, but I have Z and really everything I asked for. The rest is up to me.

The X and I are no longer close, which is a bit sad but it's the way he wanted it. I hurt him a great deal trying to stay married to him for so long.

So to sum up I do think we sometimes hang onto things that aren't ideal because that we think the alternatives are just too scary. I think it's really important to work out if our decisions are based on love or fear. And that love has to be for ourselves not for our kids, our partner, our families, our finances or anyone, or anything else. That might sound selfish to some people but otherwise you are building a life on bs. I know I tried putting everyone else first for far, far too long. Once we start taking one step in the right direction everything falls into place and you look back and think "Wow did I really do that?"
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divorce, mono, mono poly, mono/poly, monogamy

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