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  #21  
Old 10-15-2010, 07:47 PM
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sage sage is offline
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Hi Whimsey

I know so many of us have been where you are and our hearts are with you.

Here is a link to my blog that will be useful http://www.polyamorouspeople.com/2010/07/jealousy.html . This was my first experience alone for a weekend when Z went to stay with his SO. Unlike you I hadn't done any preparation, so I was pretty much a complete wreck. But I survived and I agree with the advice you have been given previously. There is no point making it any harder for yourself than you have to.

While you're there check out the post "The Polyamory Garden Shed" it's under favorites and has a neat video on it about being alone that I find immensely comforting.

Hugs
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  #22  
Old 10-15-2010, 08:00 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Whimsey,

It seems I may be late discovering this thread but wanted to toss out some stuff in the event it's still active and you want more feedback.

There's a lot of reasons men (or women) cheat but for the most part there seem to be about four primary ones. I suspect you are probably aware of these so nothing new here, but I think it's worth laying out and trying to address logically. The reason I feel this way is, dependent on what you discover from the exercise, it will help chart the course for the future.

1> Sexual chemistry diminished or needs/fantasies not being fulfilled
So many people hook up (marry etc) based on NRE, and often there are hopes for what look like missing pieces to magically show up later. Usually doesn't happen. Add to that kids entering the picture, a slowing down of passion, body changes etc etc and the relationship has grown to another stage. They ALL do !
Some can't get a grip on that, want to go back to the first 5 dates. Not happening.
Is this where he is at ?

2>Emotional distance and thinking sex will fill that hole
Sometimes, as relationship go through all the various up & downs and phases they do, it seems we get on a different path than our mate/loved one. We feel that distance, don't (without study) understand it, feel it's 'gone to hell' and end up open to something new to fill in where we think we're missing. Sex is the most common attractor, but in reality it's usually something else that we're truly missing. But we go for the sex believing the rest will come with it. Another false belief
Is THIS where he's been at ?

3>High sex drive and ongoing curiousity about experiencing others sexually
For a lot of men, there's just too much testosterone flowing and the whole world looks like a sexual playground. There's always this curiosity on seeing someone attractive about how they would be together, what new thrills the other person might bring to the table etc. Some like to classify this a 'sex addiction' but I think that's less than accurate. But if you have this type of person in a relationship that passed through the NRE/exploration phase, it's usually just a question of time. This needs to just be acknowledged and if it is , it CAN be worked through. It's not really an aberration - just needs some safe and realistic guidelines put around it.
Is THIS where your DH is at ?

4>General dissatisfaction with the current relationship
Sometimes it happens ! People marry and discover, once the masks are all off, that who they married is not who they thought they were. And sometimes people change - dramatically - and are no longer who they were and don't want to be. It's real. It happens. If it does, the search starts for someone new and of course sex will just be a natural part of that.
This is the hardest one because in most cases there's no way forward from here together. You just have to call a spade a spade and move on as gracefully as possible.
Based on your writing as well as the one post your DH tossed in, I don't 'think' this is the case, but it still needs to be put out on the table and analyzed as a real possibility.

So, I think you both need to figure out which one (or more) of these best explains his behavior. What you find out will kind of set the sights (and options) for the future.

It's not that hard. Just strive for honesty. The masks got you into this mess, time for them to ALL come off.

Good luck.

GS
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  #23  
Old 10-15-2010, 08:50 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Hi Whimsey,

I have been where you are quite recently. To be honest I think you are going to hurt yourself more trying to put a brake on them having sex. They are going to do it, sooner or later.
I can tell you, the sex thing is not that important and it's not going to be the end of your world.
That first weekend I let my wife go to be with OHb though I couldn't eat or sleep or even stand still....I thought I was going to die inside.
BUT IT GETS BETTER. TRUST ME.
To reconnect with your husband ?
Don't stress about it or have an inquest. Just take him to bed and make love and hold each other. That is my advice. Get it over with as soon as you can.
Good luck.
And Don't worry.
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  #24  
Old 10-15-2010, 08:59 PM
TheMessInQuestion TheMessInQuestion is offline
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Two quick things (because, as you all know, I'm in transit):
First, it's a tad surreal to watch one's own life being analyzed in real time. And
Second, thank you for taking such good care of whimsey. For whatever reason, I'm not doing a good job of that right now.
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  #25  
Old 10-15-2010, 09:05 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Good luck whimsey. I'm rooting for your husband. This is such a good opportunity for him to gain some integrity back. I hope he realizes that and takes the opportunity to be good to you. It sounds like he is, still, we shall see.
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  #26  
Old 10-15-2010, 09:22 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Whimsey, I am rooting for both you and your husband. I think him respecting your boundary would mean so much to you.
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  #27  
Old 10-15-2010, 09:51 PM
whimsey whimsey is offline
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Thanks once again

I'm flying out the door to work for a few hours...blessed distraction...

But I wanted to say thanks for the support and understanding and for a space where I can just share and be heard.

A few quick replies:

Sage, I had found and read that post (several times) a while ago...reading that and others like it remind me that I'm not alone and have helped ground me a bit too, I think.

GS - that's a lot of good questions and ones we have been discussing, though you have laid them out very clearly...we have a LOT more talking to do - thanks for giving me a bit of a map

vodkafan - thanks...its good to have the perspective of someone who'd been there so recently. Sex is on the table, though - absolutely. I actually mean the simple act of falling asleep and waking up together in the same bed. I struggle greatly with that and that is the one boundary I have asked for. I was resistant to sex up until a few days ago, but then did some processing...they both want to be able to just immerse themselves in discovering each other and making out...and to me that is more of a perceived threat than sex. And I think saying they have a line to stop at...it gives everything more weight, and more power...
So I asked for it to happen, to be honest...I asked for them to just get past all the 'firsts'...She has her own guidelines though and I'm not sure what will happen.
As to welcoming him back...I struggle with the mental images of him with others...I freely admit it. I've been there after all the the cheating and it took a LONG time to not have pictures constantly in my head. And they're already starting...I have to figure out how to face them... but I KNOW that's a huge trigger and challenge for me.

We'll see what happens next, I guess.

And to everyone else - thanks again...

I'm sure I'll be back here tonight after DS is tucked in and the long hours stretch ahead of me...
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  #28  
Old 10-16-2010, 08:17 AM
whimsey whimsey is offline
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Alrighty...I figured best to carry on on the blog page - that way everything stays together...

If anyone wants to see what's going on, it's here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...9006#post49006

Basically, I'm up waiting for word on what's going on...just a little touching base at least. And in the meantime, I'm going to go finish making the batch of henna I started for my hair. I think a bit of self-pampering tomorrow would not be amiss.

Thank you again, for reading, and for checking back and for being supportive and understand, and asking hard questions. It's making a huge difference, just not feeling alone.
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