Long distance love

[MonoVCPHG]

I'm used to long distance relationships. I used to go away for up to 8 months of the year. I could see how it would work for mono/mono and poly/poly, but I don't think it would work for a mono/poly relationship.

[Tonberry]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I'm used to long distance relationships. I used to go away for up to 8 months of the year. I could see how it would work for mono/mono and poly/poly, but I don't think it would work for a mono/poly relationship.

You make a good point. It would seem unbalanced. I guess it would depend on the mono though. I can imagine someone who has something else taking up most of their time could be fine with a relationship where they don't need to feel like they're neglecting their partner, because someone else is there for them too.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Tonberry

I can imagine someone who has something else taking up most of their time could be fine with a relationship where they don't need to feel like they're neglecting their partner, because someone else is there for them too.

Very good point! I guess I get caught up in my own belief that no mono could ever be truly comfortable with thier partner bringing new lovers into thier life and the distance would make the unknown unbearable.

[Derbylicious]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Very good point! I guess I get caught up in my own belief that no mono could ever be truly comfortable with thier partner bringing new lovers into thier life and the distance would make the unknown unbearable.

It's not terribly comfortable to both be poly and be bringing in new partners while you are apart. Too much unknown.

[Ariakas]

I would like to point out I do believe long distance has its strengths. It does force you to rethink how relationships grow and how communication works.

You need to communicate well. Lets say someone is having a bad day, if you are local you can cuddle, hug and help them better, or back away if need be. With a long distance your level of emotional awareness is almost more acute. You HAVE to understand the person more deeply than a regular relationship and pick up on nuances you can normally ignore when in person. If you lack this raw (and oh boy do I mean raw) honesty than I think LD becomes even more difficult. I will say aggressive honesty is required too. If one side is turtling the other side has to come out looking for answers. It takes a little more work in some ways, but is really rewarding.

Changing your understanding of core growth for a long distance relationship. The usual methods of building a relationship are thrown up in the air and left to fall in odd places. NRE for example is put on hold, or quelled until there are times when you can release it. Dating is retooled to become something different (not more or less, but different), intimacy becomes retooled. It really requires every aspect of your standard relationship to be fluid. If there is any rigidity in how a relationship is thought of, then you are building boundaries that won't bend, they will simply break.

Regardless of distance, true love can thrive in an LDR. I truly believe that. I am in love with SuperJast and right in the middle of a fantastic loving LD relationship now. However it does require both sides to be on board. If one side can't work with the "new" relationship structure, then the relationship can never work. Poly is an "alternative" romantic style, well long distance relationships are simply an alternative relationship style.

Sorry MBG I knwo this doesn't apply directly to your question and is off topic, but it came to me and the thread title does apply. Anyone searching for long distance relationship advice may find this useful...

Ari

[FlameKat]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

I would like to point out I do believe long distance has its strengths. It does force you to rethink how relationships grow and how communication works.

You need to communicate well. Lets say someone is having a bad day, if you are local you can cuddle, hug and help them better, or back away if need be. With a long distance your level of emotional awareness is almost more acute. You HAVE to understand the person more deeply than a regular relationship and pick up on nuances you can normally ignore when in person. If you lack this raw (and oh boy do I mean raw) honesty than I think LD becomes even more difficult. I will say aggressive honesty is required too. If one side is turtling the other side has to come out looking for answers. It takes a little more work in some ways, but is really rewarding.


Ari

So very true.... LDR's really need complete honesty and openness, especially when discovering that "hello! I just might be a little different inside than I thought I was...." (this coming from one who has been in an LDR for two years LDR = Australia/Canada :P)

[marksbabygirl]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

I would like to point out I do believe long distance has its strengths. It does force you to rethink how relationships grow and how communication works.

You need to communicate well. Lets say someone is having a bad day, if you are local you can cuddle, hug and help them better, or back away if need be. With a long distance your level of emotional awareness is almost more acute. You HAVE to understand the person more deeply than a regular relationship and pick up on nuances you can normally ignore when in person. If you lack this raw (and oh boy do I mean raw) honesty than I think LD becomes even more difficult. I will say aggressive honesty is required too. If one side is turtling the other side has to come out looking for answers. It takes a little more work in some ways, but is really rewarding.

Changing your understanding of core growth for a long distance relationship. The usual methods of building a relationship are thrown up in the air and left to fall in odd places. NRE for example is put on hold, or quelled until there are times when you can release it. Dating is retooled to become something different (not more or less, but different), intimacy becomes retooled. It really requires every aspect of your standard relationship to be fluid. If there is any rigidity in how a relationship is thought of, then you are building boundaries that won't bend, they will simply break.

Regardless of distance, true love can thrive in an LDR. I truly believe that. I am in love with SuperJast and right in the middle of a fantastic loving LD relationship now. However it does require both sides to be on board. If one side can't work with the "new" relationship structure, then the relationship can never work. Poly is an "alternative" romantic style, well long distance relationships are simply an alternative relationship style.

Sorry MBG I knwo this doesn't apply directly to your question and is off topic, but it came to me and the thread title does apply. Anyone searching for long distance relationship advice may find this useful...

Ari

This is great, thank you.

While my question originally was how far is long distance - there is so much more to long distance than just *distance*

I am currently talking to a woman in Langley - 2 hours away. Definately NOT long distance, but longer distance than I'd like. However she's really nice, and we get along really well So I'm willing to see where it goes

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by marksbabygirl

I am currently talking to a woman in Langley - 2 hours away. Definately NOT long distance, but longer distance than I'd like. However she's really nice, and we get along really well So I'm willing to see where it goes

Meet in the middle.

I think it is very funny how we judge distance by hours. My cousin used to make fun of me for it, but then he lives out in the sticks of WA.

[marksbabygirl]

Our first meet up will definately be in the middle :P

I'm hoping for Saturday - that is - if I'm not still sick

[redpepper]

I guess what it really comes down to is that one has to ask how much of a distance is worth the effort. how much money and time can I spend depends on how much one invests.

When we were looking at PN having a LDR with roly it was not going to work out for me. I was not willing to let it slide that his vacation time and our money be spent on him traveling after years of hearing we don't have any money to go on a holiday and I don't have time.

Really there are so many factors and I agree that everyone being on board is the biggest one. As is the honesty in communication. For me, when I had an LDR it taught me how to gauge how much investment I had and how to be very honest. When I began having closer to home relationships it felt like a breeze in comparison for awhile.