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  #11  
Old 10-14-2010, 06:20 AM
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ETA: My husband doesn't weigh in on this stuff often, but I thought you ought to hear what Easy had to say: "He's not poly, he just wants an excuse to continue cheating and keep his marriage. The only reason he wants to do poly is because he got caught. From what you said, he wasn't honest after being caught cheating, that he had been cheating for a long time. So now he's just trying to use poly to force you to let him cheat." And Easy wants to know if the poly relationship includes bringing other men into the relationship for you.
I have to say I agree with the above. You have had some really good advice I think but to me this is where it is at the most. There is just something not quite right about your story and I think its that he has cheated too long to know how to consider anyone elses feelings but his own. He has become selfish and self absorbed and is used to being like that. he doesn't seem to get that you are in pain and doesn't really care. If you are going to fuck up his chance to get laid then he sounds like he is just going to do it anyways. That isn't poly to me that is an excuse for cheating while you know about it.

I agree that it is probably out of NRE that he is acting this way. Perhaps he is an NRE junkie? I would wonder why none of his relationships have worked out? Maybe he just enjoys casual sex and the pursuit of women? All these questions pop into my head and could be ones that you could get answers for from him.

To me, this would be completely unacceptable and I would be long gone. Life to me is too short to fuck around with people who don't appreciate me and work towards a mutual understanding and respect of one another. I wonder what it is that makes you bother staying...

I also think that if this were me I would be going with him to meet this woman. We don't start any relationship sexually unless we have all met and all spent some time together. Part of being together is doing things together. to me, poly relationships are no different in this way. We share everything and work on everything together. Otherwise I would just have roommates.
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  #12  
Old 10-14-2010, 09:45 AM
whimsey whimsey is offline
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You've given me much to think about - which is good - and repeated a lot of the same questions I myself have, primarily about the haste and the cheating vs poly.

There's so much I want to reply to I wonder if I need to break this up...but I'll just start here and see where it goes...

I don't know if he is using this as a cover for his cheating...he is adamant that it is not. It had come up over the years a few times, so the idea isn't new to me. I'm more concerned right now about the speed of everything, and feeling rushed, to be honest. That seems almost more telling.

redpepper: I agree that he is selfish and self-absorbed...not always, but he goes in waves. That being said, I do know he is seeing my pain and it is causing him a lot of distress. Not enough to stop this relationship, but I think he is already in the throes of NRE at the very least and now is worried about hurting her as well as hurting me. He might be a NRE junkie - it was one of the questions I asked him when he brought up polyamory, before I found out about this GF.

As to connecting with her...she is very private, and does not identify as poly, but has an open marriage arrangement. It's been a huge challenge to connect, as she doesn't see the need. All my reading here (and it has been so helpful over the past 6 weeks) kept coming back to getting to know her and I pushed and finally got basically a statement of intent - what she was looking for from her relationship with DH. It was very matter of fact and almost clinical. I took it and used it as a bridge and sent a long, chattier,
completely myself letter back, and thanked her for opening that much, and that I recognized that it was hard for her. I told her it humanized her for me and removed some of the threat, because my imagination was creating all sorts of lovely scary scenarios. I also let her know that this had never been the path I had envisioned my life and my marriage to take, and let her know some of my concerns, but also said that at this point I wasn't going to demand they stop seeing each other.

I guess it was well received, according to DH though I never heard back. She pulled back the time they had been spending communicating in the evenings and apparently asks about me, as I ask about her, so i figure that's a first step.

Meeting her never seemed to be on the table...I'm pushing at those boundaries pretty hard though.

I'm not the sort to simply sit back and take things, but I am at heart a nurturer and care giver and can loose myslef in that sometimes...I'm having to make sure I don't right now, because I keep on doing things because I'm worried about either or both of them being hurt. Which is ridiculous in light of my pain and distress, but that seems to be my default.

Mono and Easy: He says he would be open to talking about my having a boyfriend, though he says it would be hard and that he would not likely react as well as I am, and that is pretty telling, because I am pretty much a mess of volatile emotions, when I'm not a puddle on the floor. And that is knowing that right now at the very least it is the furthest thing from my mind and that I really identify as mono...I know this can change, but...its a bit of a safety for him, I think.

Lemondrop: Thank Easy for weighing in, please
And you've hit on what is troubling me the most...the sensation of being dragged into this. I am working at figuring out boundaries. Thanks for putting it all so clearly, though.

Sage: I've visited your blog before in all my reading and found it really helpful.
I think I do need to see where this goes, even for a bit longer. They've never met in person, so for all I (and they) know, there will be no chemistry and this will all be just a huge life lesson. Again - I am sure NRE is playing into this big time and he agrees (once I introduced him to the concept, that is).

As to the 9 days - he's in that city for work for that entire time and it is where she lives. He goes there several times a year and has lots of other friends that he spends time with and will be in tons of meetings and going to plenty of evening events, but...

I know that we need to really look at boundaries, big time, and guidelines. This is where all the trust issues come to play. he swears he is being 100% honest now and will be, but history has shown that when things get tricky, he does find it easy to fall into lying, so even if there are boundaries...I'm not sure how to deal with the trust issues, without being a pain and constantly checking on him, which I refuse to do.

Okay, this is huge...I'll answer the rest in another post

You have all been fabulous - as I said, just not feeling alone makes a huge difference.
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  #13  
Old 10-14-2010, 10:03 AM
whimsey whimsey is offline
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Well - so many great and supportive replies, and obviously writing comes easily and I tend to run on, so I broke my reply up...

I did share this post and your replies with my husband...he feels they've been fair in the telling. Some of the replies stung, some rang true and some he felt strongly about - most importantly to him was that he did recognize the pain I was in...He may end up joining these forums and posting...I know he started reading some posts a few days ago (after I'd sent him so many links that I think he finally had to succumb!)

Rachelina, KatTails and Racer - thanks so much for reminding me that I'm not the only one going through this. Not that I want to wish this sort of sudden pain on anyone, but not being alone is a good thing.

Kat - I've been following your story for a while and my heart goes out to you. You are incredibly strong and I'll take your advice to heart. We are communicating a ton, and it is HARD. But in this case hard is important...
And it is through reading and researching that I find myself here, reaching out - and I'm so glad I have.

Racer - I am so sorry that you've gone through this too, and am glad that things seem better...I hope that continues. And thanks for reminding me to stand up for myself - it can be easy to forget sometimes, in the search for answers.

Rachelina - it sounds like we're almost walking the same path right now, except for the age differences. Thanks for the link to your thread - I hadn't seen it, and it really resonated. I haven't let myself put my pain into words here but it could have been my voice describing what you've been going through. I agree that the distance seems to maybe give it more power, somehow...

And the ultimate question, vinccenzo - I do feel loved. That being said, I don't know if I feel respected, valued or heard. Some of the time, yes...other times, not so much.

Right now I'm going to focus on getting through this weekend.
I think that, until they have met, everything is a little up in the air, though my gut tells me that meeting is a formality.

Sex is off the table for this meeting, though their lines of what is allowed don't match mine and that is a struggle. And I am insistent that they not spend the whole night together (which is also part of her agreement with her DH). So they are in 2 hotels and we are discussing planning a end time for Friday night, and I want to be in contact with DH at that point, for reassurance and connection. It seems that he will agree to those requests.

Again - thanks all!
I'm breathing a little easier tonight and think I *may* just be able to get some sleep... I managed only 2 hours last night which was pretty ridiculous.

I won't necessarily (or likely) reply to everyone another time, but you all had such good points and I really, really appreciate the time, the caring and the understanding you've all given me.

Now if only hugs could be transmitted over the interwebs!
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  #14  
Old 10-14-2010, 05:05 PM
TheMessInQuestion TheMessInQuestion is offline
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I thought I'd wave and say hello. As the username might suggest, I'm the mess in question, whimsey's husband.

I just wanted to echo what whimsey said -- I'm reading this thread (and site), and making notes, and receiving insight.

One thing I'm not doing, though, is weighing in. I think it's really important that whimsey have a safe place where she can find support and insight. She's in a lot of pain, and I've caused it, and if she can find voices that help her with that, I don't want to interfere in any way. I'm committed to that, even when there are comments I would like to respond to directly.

I'm not going to say much more, except this: I love her dearly, and I'm committed to her, in more ways than I can express. I've caused her hurt, and I continue to do so, and it's hard for me to reconcile those two things.

Fire away, folks. And thank you, all of you, for taking such good care of her.
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  #15  
Old 10-14-2010, 05:36 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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He says he would be open to talking about my having a boyfriend, though he says it would be hard and that he would not likely react as well as I am, and that is pretty telling, because I am pretty much a mess of volatile emotions, when I'm not a puddle on the floor.
Then he has no absolutely right to expect you to be ok with him having a girlfriend and should go no further until he is. Ok, guess I'm more judgemental than I thought. For some reason this just set me off.
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  #16  
Old 10-14-2010, 05:54 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I thought I'd wave and say hello. As the username might suggest, I'm the mess in question, whimsey's husband.

I just wanted to echo what whimsey said -- I'm reading this thread (and site), and making notes, and receiving insight.

One thing I'm not doing, though, is weighing in. I think it's really important that whimsey have a safe place where she can find support and insight. She's in a lot of pain, and I've caused it, and if she can find voices that help her with that, I don't want to interfere in any way. I'm committed to that, even when there are comments I would like to respond to directly.

I'm not going to say much more, except this: I love her dearly, and I'm committed to her, in more ways than I can express. I've caused her hurt, and I continue to do so, and it's hard for me to reconcile those two things.

Fire away, folks. And thank you, all of you, for taking such good care of her.
Oh you don't want me to fire away. But I will say this, SLOW DOWN! Your wife is asking you to go at her pace. Do it! Its the dawn of a new era and you have turned over a new leaf. Good for you. Now listen to her!
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Old 10-14-2010, 06:36 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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And the ultimate question, vinccenzo - I do feel loved. That being said, I don't know if I feel respected, valued or heard. Some of the time, yes...other times, not so much.

Right now I'm going to focus on getting through this weekend.
I think that, until they have met, everything is a little up in the air, though my gut tells me that meeting is a formality.
I'm glad they are willing to give this more time and not make you feel so forced into things. And yeah, till SOMETHING happens its near impossible to know how to feel let alone have a steady feeling of any kind one way or the other. But in any relationship of any style, feeling loved is key. Feeling a lack of value, respect or that your words go unheard eats away at one's ability to feel loved. He has to do those things for you to continue to feel loved and I hope he realizes that.
Good luck!
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  #18  
Old 10-15-2010, 01:12 AM
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Whimsey, about getting through this weekend: do self-nurturing and/or distracting things, and plan them in detail ahead of time, down to what movies you will watch and what comfort food you'll make yourself, and what to do if you can't sleep. That way in case you are too upset to know what to do with yourself, you'll have a schedule to follow. This was my mistake! I ended up doing things like maniacally sweeping every room in the house (neither nurturing nor distracting), followed by collapsing in a sobbing heap. You can also come on here to vent what you are feeling. I'll be checking in here and you can feel free to PM me if you want. It's good that you will be in contact with your husband - mine called me at an agreed upon point in the evening and that helped some. More hugs to you....you will get through it!
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  #19  
Old 10-15-2010, 07:19 PM
whimsey whimsey is offline
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Thanks again...

So much to think about and right now I can't seem to think of anything...I am just working on breathing and taking things one moment at a time.

He's on the bus, heading over to meet her...it's real, it's NOW and it's just the very beginning.

I am very glad to have found my way here. I've been reading and reading and soaking in the journeys and paths others have taken...it helps to know I'm not alone and that others have been here and are here and it's possible to move through this and come out the other side with positivity.

Rachelina - thank you for addressing my worries about how to make it through today, tonight and tomorrow...It's harder because I thought he was coming back mid-day tomorrow but it looks like it'll be tomorrow night...and he has a 14 hour work day Sunday so it's going to be hard to find space to re-connect...and I have no idea how to do that either. I don't want to make it hard, but I can't completely suppress everything either...I don't think that will be healthy. I know I'll be on here tonight...reading and posting and taking time to post to some other threads that I've been wanting to reply to.

I'm proud that I made it through last night with him with grace and serenity...I didn't cause a scene or make it harder...I did my best to be present and in the moment, which was hard. So hard. Because I am so not ready for this, and he knows it full well.

It's harder because suddenly she's pushing against the one boundary I laid down...that they not sleep together, but take time apart for some of the night (during which he is supposed to contact me). Our lives and schedules are complicated and while we are together for meals, and pretty much every evening and well into the night, he is living in a suite 4 houses down the street and we don't spend the nights together...hopefully that will change, but that's the reality for now and it was important to me that he not spend the entire night with her. And that was part of her agreement with her SO as well. But pretty much all day yesterday was filled with drama as she fought that one rule. I left everything else, EVERYTHING, even things I'm really not ready for, open and it hurts that she can't respect that. Thankfully my husband says he is going to stand completely firm...I have to trust that (which is hard, for obvious reasons), but I am going to trust him.

Oops...that was meant to be short! I think I might do as others have and just start a thread on the blog page...this likely belongs there and I have found others' blogs so helpful and insightful...at times painful and at times joyous...

Anyways...thanks again...
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  #20  
Old 10-15-2010, 07:39 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I think I might do as others have and just start a thread on the blog page...this likely belongs there and I have found others' blogs so helpful and insightful...at times painful and at times joyous...
Good Idea!
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