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  #131  
Old 10-07-2010, 05:20 PM
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P2, I may end up getting into my story if I get time, but in response to your question:

I think this is different cheating than "regular" cheating. With regular cheating it was never ok for you to sleep with that person, so it is pretty black and white. With this situation, it was ok for you to sleep with her as recently as a week ago, and now all of a sudden it's not ok. I know you weren't sleeping with her without your husband, but it was still something that was happening. I think that makes it a lot more confusing.

At the end of my similar relationship (where everyone was tentatively still friends but the relationship was over), something similar happened between my fiance and our ex. He stopped it before it got that far, but same idea. I think it is a lot easier to slip into an old routine or habit because it's a) familiar and b) something at least part of you wishes you could have back.
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  #132  
Old 10-07-2010, 05:24 PM
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Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
Does anyone have any insight into why the hell I would have done this - the cheating? I just cannot figure it out. It is like it wasn't even me!! I take responsibility for the whole thing, don't get me wrong....but WHERE the fuck did that piece of me come from?? It is not me!!

Anyone?

Thanks
P2
Hello. I don't usually get a chance to read blogs on here but I picked yours today for some reason. Maybe this question is one to ask in the general section? If you decide you want it moved I can do that for you.

I can relate entirely to your situation. This was the way I used to deal with things in the past. I am hoping that when faced with a situation like this again I will refrain. Not tested that yet.

Few thoughts:
Perhaps she was trying to prove that she loves you? Perhaps she was checking with herself that she does? Perhaps she wanted to give you what you want in loving both of you evenly? Perhaps this was all brought on out of guilt and it became easy to "make it right" with alcohol. Maybe you wanted to prove that you are worth as much love as your husband? Maybe you were wanting to prove to her you love her? Maybe it was a way to allow her to appease her guilt? Maybe it was a way to prove something to your husband and get through some jealousy that she loves him more? Maybe it all became easy to chose sex as a solution under the influence?

Sometimes saying yes to sex is easier than saying no.

It could also be break up sex. One last fuck before its done. Sealed the deal maybe?

Just thoughts from someone who has had sex while drunk for a whole lot of stupid reasons. It got me through some stuff, but I like to think I am more aware of what is going on now before finding myself drunk and turned on.

Note to self: don't drink with people you are having emotions about.
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  #133  
Old 10-08-2010, 02:06 AM
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Note to self: don't drink with people you are having emotions about.
Wish someone would have told ME that about 3 months ago.
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  #134  
Old 10-09-2010, 05:05 PM
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Saturday morning and still at my sisters place. Hoping to talk sometime soon, but not wanting to push. Patience.
RP...all good points. Pieces of all of them.
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  #135  
Old 10-13-2010, 05:02 AM
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Another update. Wow, we are still riding the roller coaster even without ANY 'C' in the picture! Go figure. I am still out of the house. Hubby and I have met and it started out well, but quickly went downhill as discussion of the bigger issues came up. I feel like I am not equipt to deal with some of the resentment. I really have no idea of what to do, say, feel. I know that it hurts....for sure.

I have been asking to go to Marriage Counseling in the hopes that someone knows how to help, but hubby is against it. Not exactly sure why.

He is also still so upset about the incident between C and me. I understand that it was a huge mistake, but just don't get why he is putting so much emphasis on it. I mean 4 days earlier they were doing a similar thing (not quite as 3 base-ish), without me. I dunno. It is all very confusing.

Any help or advice is welcome. I know I need it!!
Thanks
P2

It seems everyone is mixed up
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  #136  
Old 10-13-2010, 06:30 AM
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Just caught up with your blog...WOW!! I wouldn't have picked this happening. I'm sorry, you must be in a lot of pain. The ability to forgive and work through resentments are part and parcel of long term relationships. In fact I'd go as far as saying that they are the filtration system. It sounds as if this episode has blown the lid on a bit of a blockage.

Counseling would be a good step and I think it's important to find out why he is against it. Even if you have to start communicating important questions like this via email if talking is too volatile. Another important question might be "Is there anything I can do to make this better?"

Hugs
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  #137  
Old 10-13-2010, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
Another update. Wow, we are still riding the roller coaster even without ANY 'C' in the picture! Go figure. I am still out of the house. Hubby and I have met and it started out well, but quickly went downhill as discussion of the bigger issues came up. I feel like I am not equipt to deal with some of the resentment. I really have no idea of what to do, say, feel. I know that it hurts....for sure.

I have been asking to go to Marriage Counseling in the hopes that someone knows how to help, but hubby is against it. Not exactly sure why.

He is also still so upset about the incident between C and me. I understand that it was a huge mistake, but just don't get why he is putting so much emphasis on it. I mean 4 days earlier they were doing a similar thing (not quite as 3 base-ish), without me. I dunno. It is all very confusing.

Any help or advice is welcome. I know I need it!!
Thanks
P2

It seems everyone is mixed up
P2, Yes, it all sucks. But you have learned how bad it can be. Please try to see a silver lining. Your hubby is putting a lot of emphasis on it because, even though just 4 short days before he was doing something similar, it wasn't "cheating" at that point. At that point, is was still a "relationship". One which he and C decided to end. That is why.

When you finally get to speak to your hubby in person, be apologetic, and accept-ant. Let him speak what he wants to speak, and don't pressure him. He will speak when he is ready. The only time to pressure him, is in trying to get him to speak in the first place. Let him know that you want to fix it, and that you just need to know what he wants you to do.

I'm hurting for you P2. Sorry you are going through this. (((hugs)))
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  #138  
Old 10-13-2010, 03:19 PM
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Yes TL, you're pretty close. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. Within weeks of the first sign of P2 having trouble with C and me, I broke up with C. Polly is and has always has been my first priority and it kills me to see her in pain. Until that point Polly had assured me that it was fine and she would have it under control. Don't worry about it. An hour after I had broken up with C, Polly is back at the house mending fences. Befor you know it, everything is back on. Some period of time goes by, I think around a month, another earth shattering issue and C breaks up with us. By this time Polly is a mess. She's tiny to begin with, now she's lost a lot of weight, not sleeping or eating, vomiting. She was stressed to the max. Great, I think that's the end of that. Don't get me wrong I'm no saint. I had strong feelings for C and was sad for it to end. But again, Polly is by far #1. I sent C a pretty good kiss off letter, and guess what? Polly smooths everything out again. Like a Russian gymnast! She went to huge lengths to keep us together.
This really starting to run on...sorry.
My point is, I only ever had Pollys interest in mind. Yes, I loved C. We had a great time in and out of the bedroom. But when it comes down to it, Polly is my #1. As far as the "cheating" episode goes. We were broken up, I had broken up with C for real. I burned bridges behind me so that there was no chance of reconciliation. I did the right thing for Polly and for our marriage. So what does Polly do? Goes out and gets loaded and screws her in the parking lot of the bar. Polly can't understand why I see it differently that it was ok for me to play slap and tickle while we were still seeing each other, but not ok for them to do it after the relationship had ended.
I'm not too happy about airing our dirty laundry here, but I've tried many times to explain why I was so hurt by that action. Obviously it's not the sex part, I see it as a premeditated action against me. Polly herself says that she knew something was going to happen when they left the bar to go out for a smoke. And apparently they were both saying something to the effect of "we can't do this" as it was happening. Knew it was the wrong thing to do, that it would crush me, and did it anyway. I hope that I don't seem unreasonable.
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  #139  
Old 10-13-2010, 06:29 PM
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Hello Sparky!

First, let me say Welcome to the board!

With that being said, allow me to continue.....

I do NOT think you are un-reasonable. I can see where you have issue with the situation at hand. If my wife L had done the same thing, I would call it all over also.

HOWEVER, please remember that you married P2 for a reason. You, obviously, DO love her very much. Would it be POSSIBLE for the two of you to at least talk in person? Choose a public place......If not, how about a chat session online? This helps to eliminate some of the animosity, and anger. My wife and I have done this before. When I was too upset to speak in person, even though our computers are side by side, I would often talk to her through Facebook chat. It really DOES help.

Ultimatly, even if you two never delve into the poly life again, I would love to see your marriage survive. I do not think it is an unimaginable feat, but there will be some healing and trust that needs to happen.

I will not make excuses for P2. She was in the wrong, IMO, to even open the door when C came over. However, she did open the door. She further made a larger mistake, by going out with C. and an even larger one by having sex with her.....BUT......Read on......

The TWO of you seem to claim to have kept the relationship with C going on, in an effort to make the other happy. You say you kept going back to C to make P2 happy? Sorry, not to call you a liar, but I don't believe it. There was a bit of selfishness going on here too. Just as much as you enjoyed P2 having a good friend and a good time, you KNOW you were enjoying the extra love and extra action also. So you're not totally innocent here either. If you were, you would have completely ended it after the FIRST break up. I'm just saying....

Now, I have just been the pot, while you were the kettle.

Read on:

My wife is currently seeing a guy. She and I have had arguements over this guy. I feel that he doesn't play cat enough, and is always playing mouse. My wife L says that I was the same way, and she is USED to playing cat and kinda likes it. She has on NUMEROUS occasions made attempts to end it with her D. Until a week or so ago, I would talk her out of it. Then, I realized that I was just as guilty as her by talking her out of it. So.....I told her I wouldn't do that anymore. And that if she ended it, she would have to repair it herself if she wanted it to continue on at a later date. So because I like the fact that she is so happy when she is with D, and I like the fact that they mesh so well together, and I like the fact that they are both great in bed together, I have fought to keep them together. But I got tired of fighting to keep them together, and broke down and told L that she would have to repair it herself and I was out of the loop so to speak. We haven't had that issue since really. She hasn't broken up with him, but she and he have better defined their relationship and their individual goals. Now that they KNOW what they are wanting, they have a new view in mind and are free to do whatever. (within reason of course. We still have certain "no-go" rules in place)

My main point, is that in a poly relationship, you will have more work and more compromise than you ever thought possible.....IF you want it to work.....but even if you don't go back to being poly, I hope you can both heal from this and LEARN from the experience and learn to love EACH OTHER even more.
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  #140  
Old 10-13-2010, 07:17 PM
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Sparky, I can totally see why you would want to stay away. I do that when I am so angry I want to punish the person. It never works for me though because I end up punishing myself just as much. Still, I see no reason why you can't take your time with this. You were in control of you emotions and didn't let the situation get out of hand, Polly did. You have ever right to be angry and hurt. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive her eventually though and move forward. Is it really worth your whole marriage ending? The longer you leave it the more damage done I think.
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