Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 08-15-2009, 06:30 AM
Sunshinegrl's Avatar
Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 227
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Everyone so far has given great advice and I agree with all of it. If I were you I would say this to her,

"sweetheart, I'm changing the locks tomorrow so you better get what you need and leave. I will be filing for divorce as soon as possible and will not support you one moment longer. Tonight you can sleep on the couch and I will have the bed. Further more I suggest that you take a long hard look at your relationships with people as I think your cheating ways will catch up with you and you will die a bitter old woman who has never given in order to receive love."

I would take the time to be sure you know what your rights are before hand and be very sure you are ready as she sounds like a fighter who figures the world owes her something.

I am sorry you have experienced this kind of abuse, it is abuse to me, but you had a part to play in letting her walk all over you. Don't do it again! No one should ever let anyone for one second feel they aren't worthy of love and respect. Once started on that path it is hard to come back from it.

Make sure that this next woman treats you with respect and that you do the same. If she doesn't then get out fast. You will be sad, but it is so worth what it does to your self esteem. Hopefully you will see that as you blind side your wife and upturn the hurtful, self centered, selfish, cruel and self righteous world she has been living in.

I would love to be there to smack her up side the head personally, not to mention the man she calls hers and has the gaul to call her boyfriend. What is that? It degrades the word! It discusts me to no end the pain people cause one another. Really it does!
Could not have said it better myself.
__________________
I don’t get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here...
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know that I am
I am, I am
The luckiest..
~ Ben Folds five ~
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 08-15-2009, 03:12 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
I have been in a similar circumstance. However, I was ok giving money to help my ex-girlfriend move out and be with her new boyfriend. I even gave her $500 a month for half a year to help out. I still cared for her, but we were not getting along.
Quath! Why would you do this????!!! I don't get why anyone would get to the point where they need me to support them. Or would let things get to the point where I need supporting. I can see borrowing money to get on my feet or lending it to an ex to do so, but for the long haul?! Don't get it!
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 08-15-2009 at 03:15 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 08-15-2009, 04:58 PM
ImaginaryIllusion's Avatar
ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,886
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by phoenix522 View Post
Wife said last time we talked that she wanted five or six years because, "I really like the house". This is no reason to stay married in my mind.
Agreed. Lame excuse.


Quote:
Originally Posted by phoenix522 View Post
We do things together but we are more friends who share a bed more than anything else.

When I tried to gauge our relationship, I mentioned sex and she said that her body was no longer mine to play with and I could not touch.

I know sex doesn't make a relationship but dammit it does help to show that we do love one another and it is affection and more. I get all the sex I want from girlfriend but when I'm paying the bills, mortgage, tuition, etc. while wife goes to school, I just want to chuck her out on her @$$.

Now that we are both dating, our marriage is actually improving. She treats me better than ever before but again, the whole sex thing needs to be worked out. (or, am I way out in left field?)
I'm sure you're not the first guy ever to be stuck in a sexless marriage, and while I'm with many of the other posters, I'd agree with you that your marriage is broken, failed, however you want to put it. However I'm going to go against the grain here and offer something less confrontational....just because there's always another option...

You need to ask youself...do you need to have sex with her? Is there something else about your relationship worth salvaging? You say your marriage is improving so is it really an essential element of your relationship, or was it a bone of contention that was just causing friction? (Dare I refer to another thread and suggest lube?) For the moment at least....if you are getting what you need from your girlfriend, can you wait out the next couple years to see if your marriage can be brought of life support on it's own terms or cordially disolved on schedule? How comfortable are you on renegging your previous agreement to support her through school? (regardless of the your initial motivations for making it)

Now...it sounds like she's lacking in the ethics department, so I'm not sure I'd trust this woman as far as you could spit her....she's cheated on you, which once you're open allows her to be honest about that with you...but she's with another cheating spouse, and nothing good can come of it. She's already acknowleged that in commenting on your own relationship with the gf. I suspect if you do keep your marriage in play, you might start making moves to have it disolved by the time she's finished school in two years, and start talking to a lawyer now about the implications of the house, the boyfriends/girlfriends, and what not....especially since it sounds like she might want to keep part of it. The marriage is a legal bond which can be a b*tch to sevre...but it sounds like there's nothing left in this that'd be worth keeping that link. Do you really want to wait 5 years, or even 2 before you start the process? If the bed sharing relationship you have with her isn't worth having her tied to your house, finances, pension, possible kids, etc....then you will need to cut loose eventually. And let's face it....poly or not, just by the numbers it's easier to find prospective mates if you get to select from the whole pool of available people....and not just those who can accept that you're already married in fact if not in name.

Ask yourself the hard questions, and be very honest with yourself about the answers. Try to detach yourself from the emotions long enough to make a calm rational decision,...this is the step most people seem to miss, and I'm convinced it's what causes a lot of the tears and heartache. It sounds cold, but you need to make your calculations with a level head to decide where you want to be in a year or two, or five, and how you want to get there.

Good luck.
__________________
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 08-15-2009, 05:18 PM
Quath Quath is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Quath! Why would you do this????!!! I don't get why anyone would get to the point where they need me to support them. Or would let things get to the point where I need supporting. I can see borrowing money to get on my feet or lending it to an ex to do so, but for the long haul?! Don't get it!
Well, I brought her from Georgia to California when I got a job here. She wasn;t having much luck getting a job. After about a year here, things between us were getting worse and worse. She had multiple personalities and I think some of them were not liking me anymore. Plus she had two children.

So I saw it as a kind of mixture of alimony and child support even though the kids were not mine. We still loved each other in the end, but it just was not working out.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 08-16-2009, 04:47 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Ask yourself the hard questions, and be very honest with yourself about the answers. Try to detach yourself from the emotions long enough to make a calm rational decision,...this is the step most people seem to miss, and I'm convinced it's what causes a lot of the tears and heartache. It sounds cold, but you need to make your calculations with a level head to decide where you want to be in a year or two, or five, and how you want to get there.
Awesome advice! This is good advice for any situation let alone this one. I can think of many poly situations where this would be useful.

Thanks imaginary!
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by River; 08-16-2009 at 05:03 PM. Reason: quote code repair
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 08-16-2009, 09:19 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 649
Default

Your wife has repeatedly broken your marriage committment through deception and disloyalty. She is now engaging in deception that could very well result in the destruction of another marriage. She is starving you for affection, which also violates your vows (if you promised to love, honor and cherish each other). Any one of these would be reason enough. You are free to leave whenever you're ready.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 08-17-2009, 05:54 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
Well, I brought her from Georgia to California when I got a job here. She wasn;t having much luck getting a job. After about a year here, things between us were getting worse and worse. She had multiple personalities and I think some of them were not liking me anymore. Plus she had two children.

So I saw it as a kind of mixture of alimony and child support even though the kids were not mine. We still loved each other in the end, but it just was not working out.
wow, complicated and intriguing. I can see where you are coming from....
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:21 AM.