Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 10-12-2010, 05:13 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by geminigirl View Post
..............Jealousy is always about fear of losing something, regardless of whether it's realistic or not. Sometimes it's fear of losing love, sometimes of losing control, and sometimes things from our past can crop up -- our current situation can be a trigger for a past loss that we don't want to think about.
This is a key point about jealousy - if in fact that is even what's concerning you most. We've talked about it extensively here in a zillion threads. It really comes down to this...........

1> Jealousy is a fear response

2> What am I TRULY afraid of ???????????

Start listing them down. Such as........

a. we will drift apart. (no need for this to happen !)
b. new partner will offer something I can't- making me less valuable
(we ALL have our own unique value we bring to a relationship)
c. I will have less time to spend with my loved one
(this is real - and unreal. It's something that a group of caring, intelligent people are capable of finding a solution to)

d.
e.
f.

etc

This exercise alone will in most cases take the 'edge' off the feeling and give everyone something productive to go to work on. When everyone is on the same team, working toward the same goals, everything seems less threatening.

Try it - you may like it

GS
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 10-13-2010, 02:29 AM
redlily redlily is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 2
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
This is a key point about jealousy - if in fact that is even what's concerning you most. We've talked about it extensively here in a zillion threads.

This exercise alone will in most cases take the 'edge' off the feeling and give everyone something productive to go to work on. When everyone is on the same team, working toward the same goals, everything seems less threatening.


GS
This exercise looks like a good idea. I'm also pretty new to the poly community and have been lurking the posts for advice. Thank you!
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 10-13-2010, 03:25 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
This is a key point about jealousy - if in fact that is even what's concerning you most. We've talked about it extensively here in a zillion threads. It really comes down to this...........

1> Jealousy is a fear response
but why the fear... because we might not get our needs met no? To me just to think of it as a fear response is .... well, terrifying. I find it much easier to think of it in terms of need because we can DO something about needs. Doing something about fear seems far more daunting that doing something about needs.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 10-13-2010, 03:54 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default "

There's a very good article about the positives of fear written by an old instructor of mine. It's combat based but the principles carry over into all areas of fear. It's called "fear as your ally". You can google it and it is definitely worth a read if you are inerested in the physiology of fear.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 10-13-2010, 01:24 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
but why the fear... because we might not get our needs met no? To me just to think of it as a fear response is .... well, terrifying. I find it much easier to think of it in terms of need because we can DO something about needs. Doing something about fear seems far more daunting that doing something about needs.
Hey RP,

So are you advocating calling a cow a horse because you are afraid of horses ?

Don't think that's a good idea long term. Truth - as scary as it is sometimes, is usually the best path.

It's a biological thing (fear). Jealousy is another term for "detection of a threat" (real or perceived). Best to address it at it's root level to really deal with it.
In other words, discover what the fear REALLY is. When you do this often you find out the fear is really baseless - an active imagination run wild.

For me, the "needs" thing is dangerous. Can be a trojan horse. Slippery term as different people define it quite differently.
And, in my opinion only, tossing it out on the table too often can be a flag itself. It can, in some instances, be underlining the fact that the person is indeed a 'needy' person. And as much empathy as I have for those truly in 'need', I've had equally as many run-ins with people who depend on that 'neediness' to suck time and energy from everyone around them. And the outlook for any kind of a true, level relationship with such a person is seldom more than a fantasy filled with pain and disillusionment.

Does that make sense ?

You can certainly do something about 'fear' too. People do it every day. And it's a great skill to master. The world is often a scary place..........

GS
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 10-13-2010, 03:07 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Still think that fear comes from the threat of our needs not being met when we are jealous. The need is what is underneath the fear... not the same as each other at all, you are right (did I say that?)... but instead of just saying "I am fearful" why not say "I am fearful, what is going on for me and what is the threat?" Far more useful I think.

Actually, to me, jealousy is a culmination of many emotions that all lead back to feeling threatened. Its almost an umbrella term for many emotions. Mostly fear I think, but there is sadness, lonliness, anger, confusion. Not to say that those are always present either. It depends on the circumstance, but still comes back to trying to figure out what the root issues are so they can be dealt with and I think its still that there is a need that isn't being met.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by redpepper; 10-13-2010 at 04:02 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 10-13-2010, 08:32 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Still think that fear comes from the threat of our needs not being met when we are jealous. The need is what is underneath the fear... not the same as each other at all, you are right (did I say that?)... but instead of just saying "I am fearful" why not say "I am fearful, what is going on for me and what is the threat?" Far more useful I think.

Actually, to me, jealousy is a culmination of many emotions that all lead back to feeling threatened. Its almost an umbrella term for many emotions. Mostly fear I think, but there is sadness, lonliness, anger, confusion. Not to say that those are always present either. It depends on the circumstance, but still comes back to trying to figure out what the root issues are so they can be dealt with and I think its still that there is a need that isn't being met.
Yea RP, I think we are basically saying the same thing in different ways. And the approach you advocate is pretty much identical to the thread I posted about steps to follow to get to the bottom of it.

I just have my alarm trigger set a tad low around the term 'needs' because it's a crutch in many instances to define things that are really 'passionate WANTS' as needs. And to me (and maybe not everyone else) there's a huge difference. There's a lot of things we want in life. Some we want really badly. But if our security and sanity depend on them to the point of 'need' I think we need to look long & hard at them. Having too many 'needs' just pushes us closer to the precipice. What might be an unfortunate turn of events can suddenly push us over the edge. Getting some distance from that precipice (too many needs) seems a good survival strategy.

Just a difference in understanding of a word. Something we deal with a lot in communications - right

GS
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 10-13-2010, 09:31 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Ya "needs" is a tricky one. When I refer to them its from "non-violent communication (NCV)" techneques. There is some stuff about it in the thread about communication in the stickies. When used properly it is a very useful tool to get to the bottom of things and a way to start communications. We use it a lot.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:48 AM.