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  #11  
Old 10-11-2010, 07:17 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by ChlkDstTtr View Post
We've been attempting to do things together, but it's still divided attention. When she's out it's all about her boyfriend and whatever they feel like doing together - no distractions or responsibilities.
If you want to be able to handle this, might I suggest a hobby. Don't just do this for date nights but things you do on your own. Hockey, football hell just go for a drink with friends. Having separate lives helps a lot. I don't mean splitting out everything you do. But figure out something that you can do.

You might be feeling jealousy but it could be something as easy to deal with as a mini-dependency. You need to own something to yourself

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This is a request I've made of her already. We never used to text and then all of a sudden she's exchanging 50 texts with him in one day (that's come down a bit since she's been busy at work, but I still feel like I have to ask or send the first text).
I see this happen to. The problem with judging texting is how little is exchanged. 50 texts is barely a real conversation. I worked with my wife on this and asked her to SPEAK with her bf. It has cut down on texting a lot.

This gives them a better chance to connect and interrupts our time a lot less. Might be a painful concession but one you can work with for time needed.

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Which is one of my points. My head has been spinning. I'm out of breath trying to catch up. I've asked multiple times to slow things down, but NRE doesn't seem to respect that. I'm trying exceptionally hard to come to terms with my emotions, but every time I start to feel ok-ish with things there's either something new thrown in or another date comes up that I have to face. I've specifically told my wife "too much, too fast." I think I can accept her having feelings for another man, but I wasn't expecting them to be so strong so soon.
Feelings come in massive waves and are different for everyone. This happens, there is nothing really anyone can do. Hell I bet she can't even hide her feelings.

In regards to NRE, well...I think there are different degrees of NRE and everyone reacts differently to different situations. Maybe you are asking things to slow down that just can't. Its something not usually spoken, but there are somethings with NRE that almost feel like they HAVE to happen. There is a natural flow to them. If that flow is broken it could really interrupt what they are trying to build. That could create resentment from her to you, or create other areas where she will try to push the relationship unnaturally.

I know it sounds like I am trying to give her an excuse, but I am not. I just believe there are stages of any relationship that have to be allowed to grow at their natural pace or you risk damaging that potential relationship. Besides, when you find someone for yourself, you will want that room to grow too ...

Maybe try and figure out the things "bugging" you and make list of whats important, medium and menial. And try and work one concessions with her to give her some room to grow the relationship but try and remember whats at home too.

I know in my NRE for SJ, I sometimes forget what's at home (not literally, but figuratively, my mind wanders to a location I am not at). It still happens and its something I need a kick to remind me of. Its an important place to have lots of communication to figure out what hurts where and why. I don't think I have mentioned communication enough in this post...so lets just say "communication *10"...its really important

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New experiences. New relationships. We thought it would be fun. We felt comfortable with "us."
Would it be more fun it you had someone? Is this jealousy or a feeling of being excluded.

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That's one place where this has been beneficial to us. We had a reasonably strong relationship to begin with, but all the discussions have helped solidify that. I, obviously, have my insecurities still, but they're not rational so are extremely difficult to rationalize away. When I do think rationally I'm quite confident about us and our love for each other. It's very difficult to pinpoint where my jealousy is coming from. All I know is that I have it.
Thats awesome to read. You have a good foundation, really you do. Just have some kinks to work out

Best of luck and keep posting, lots of stories and lots of people who can relate and talk to on this forum

Ari

Last edited by Ariakas; 10-11-2010 at 07:27 PM.
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  #12  
Old 10-11-2010, 07:20 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by geminigirl View Post
Like learning to swim, we can't really figure it out ahead of time from reading a book or hearing how other people did it. We pretty much have to get in the water and DO it. Once you're in there, though, it does help a lot to have someone right there beside us to grab onto us if we start to sink, or feel scared.
Well put. I can't agree more. When Pengrah and I decided to expand our openess to include poly and start dating individually, the biggest wall I hit was her dating other men and potentially falling in love with men. I had to, in my head, really wrap my head around the idea. It was easily, my second biggest hurdle in poly.

But one I jumped in feet first and figured it out. Seeing other poly relationships and meeting other poly people has helped more than they know. It was a big thing for me to see how this worked.

All that said, big fan of the analogy, I just babbled haha

Ari
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  #13  
Old 10-11-2010, 08:02 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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It seems that you're envious of them getting extended one-on-one time, when all your time is shared with household/family responsibilities.

You and your wife need to go OUT on dates, away from responsibilities and chores. The boyfriend can babysit, which kills two birds with one stone: you and the wife get some quality one-on-one time, and the boyfriend experiences "being at home with the kids while your partner is out on a date."

I've never been on an 8-hour "date" ... when my time with someone starts getting into that many hours, I no longer think of us as merely "dating."

Some people also recommend making friends with the other partner. That works for some, not for others. But perhaps if you and he go out for beers and talk shop, you'll be able to see him as a real person instead of just "the other man" and maybe it won't be so difficult when they're out together.

Ariakas is right that you can't have a proper conversation via text message. When she's texting him while being with you, no one's getting quality time: not you, not the kids, not her, and not the boyfriend. They can get a lot more intimacy out of one 20-minute phone call than 50 texts scattered throughout the day. Then she can hang up the phone and just be with you and the kids. I'm even in "that" generation, and I still don't find texts useful for anything more than quick status updates and exchanging basic information ("What was the number of the insurance agent I'm supposed to call?" or "Sorry, I'm running a bit late, I'll be there in 15 minutes").
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  #14  
Old 10-11-2010, 08:26 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I've never been on an 8-hour "date" ... when my time with someone starts getting into that many hours, I no longer think of us as merely "dating."
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thought 8+ hour dates seems a bit excessive for someone you just met.
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  #15  
Old 10-11-2010, 08:34 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I'm glad I'm not the only one that thought 8+ hour dates seems a bit excessive for someone you just met.
Have you ever gone out for dinner, drinks and then a nightcap?

Or lunch, hanging out and then dinner

8 hours isn't all that long imo
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  #16  
Old 10-11-2010, 08:46 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Have you ever gone out for dinner, drinks and then a nightcap?

Or lunch, hanging out and then dinner

8 hours isn't all that long imo
Not since I had kids , unless the kids were at camp or out of state for a week.
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  #17  
Old 10-11-2010, 09:11 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Not since I had kids , unless the kids were at camp or out of state for a week.
Ahhh...that makes sense ...something I will have to think of when I have kids
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  #18  
Old 10-11-2010, 09:51 PM
ChlkDstTtr ChlkDstTtr is offline
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Thank you all for the advice. With your help my rational self has finally taken back control. There were things I didn't want to hear, but very little I didn't already know to be true and while I certainly have a lot of things to deal with I think I've made the right decision and told my wife she can continue with a scheduled date (of sorts) at the end of next week. She's having an operation and will be stuck at home for several days so her boyfriend is going to come visit for a few hours one day and after that we need to figure out what will work for both of us. I told her that I don't want to be in control of her relationship, but that we need to make some agreements on frequency and duration as well as coming up with a more reliable routine for both us and them while I work on managing my emotions. I have frequently asked for reassurance, affection, and attention, but I need to do better being more specific while she needs to work on giving some of that without me having to ask.

I'm promising nothing, but giving it everything despite my feelings is the best I can do right now.

There's really only one thing in the above comments that I'd like to address directly:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
In regards to NRE, well...I think there are different degrees of NRE and everyone reacts differently to different situations. Maybe you are asking things to slow down that just can't. Its something not usually spoken, but there are somethings with NRE that almost feel like they HAVE to happen. There is a natural flow to them. If that flow is broken it could really interrupt what they are trying to build. That could create resentment from her to you, or create other areas where she will try to push the relationship unnaturally.

I know it sounds like I am trying to give her an excuse, but I am not. I just believe there are stages of any relationship that have to be allowed to grow at their natural pace or you risk damaging that potential relationship. Besides, when you find someone for yourself, you will want that room to grow too ...
While I completely understand your point I think you miss the point that if I can't process what's happening at the speed that it's happening then I'm likely to either shut down or explode/implode. My reaction yesterday and my melt-down Thursday (unrelated to an event) show that it's a possibility. If I can't be given time to manage my emotions then I'm bound to ruin it for everyone. If I need to request some compromise from them in order to prevent that then that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I don't think anyone would disagree that this has to work for everyone involved - with some concessions of course. My concession is to keep trying despite my emotional want to give up. Their's is going to have to be to moderate things a bit so that I can do that. Less than 24 hours ago I wasn't even willing to do that so lets call it progress.

If my needs disrupt their natural flow then maybe it's not right for our relationship because my wife and I both agree that we come before everything else and any relationship that jeopardizes that needs to be avoided. I'm sorry if that doesn't work for everyone else but that's what is going to have to work for me. Talk to me in a year and I might have a different opinion.

Last edited by ChlkDstTtr; 10-11-2010 at 09:53 PM. Reason: grammar
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  #19  
Old 10-11-2010, 10:03 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by ChlkDstTtr View Post
While I completely understand your point I think you miss the point that if I can't process what's happening at the speed that it's happening then I'm likely to either shut down or explode/implode. .
I did miss the point...sorry and yes, if you are at that point then things need to be scaled back to let you catch up. The common saying on here is to go at the pace of the person struggling most. While you do sometimes need to help the other person along its good if everyone is comfortable.

I likely should have mentioned that before I said the above. I had forgotten that key part of how this has to work sometimes.

The journey can be tumultuous but it is worth it
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  #20  
Old 10-12-2010, 06:35 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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more to suggest that has been covered a bit and that is that I think it's important to use this time as a time to discover new things about yourself and work on some stuff that you haven't been able to because you haven't had time. My PN did a massive chunk of redefining himself and working on his self esteem. He took it on and is a changed man because of it. This was his way of dealing with the change in our dynamic and the change in the structure of time and our relationship. It worked wonders for him... is there something you could be doing? Perhaps even request time to go and do it? After all, you are owed a few babysitting times by your wife no ?

The idea of slowing down I think is a good one. Often it is suggested to go at the pace of the one who is struggling the most and perhaps that is what you need now. A slower pace.

It sounds like you are feeling rather out of control on this and that is okay and normal. Take a breath for a sec and do some research on here on your own and with your wife. It might help you feel more like you are not going crazy. There is a thread on poly lessons learned that might be helpful (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858).
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