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Old 10-11-2010, 07:17 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by ChlkDstTtr View Post
We've been attempting to do things together, but it's still divided attention. When she's out it's all about her boyfriend and whatever they feel like doing together - no distractions or responsibilities.
If you want to be able to handle this, might I suggest a hobby. Don't just do this for date nights but things you do on your own. Hockey, football hell just go for a drink with friends. Having separate lives helps a lot. I don't mean splitting out everything you do. But figure out something that you can do.

You might be feeling jealousy but it could be something as easy to deal with as a mini-dependency. You need to own something to yourself

This is a request I've made of her already. We never used to text and then all of a sudden she's exchanging 50 texts with him in one day (that's come down a bit since she's been busy at work, but I still feel like I have to ask or send the first text).
I see this happen to. The problem with judging texting is how little is exchanged. 50 texts is barely a real conversation. I worked with my wife on this and asked her to SPEAK with her bf. It has cut down on texting a lot.

This gives them a better chance to connect and interrupts our time a lot less. Might be a painful concession but one you can work with for time needed.

Which is one of my points. My head has been spinning. I'm out of breath trying to catch up. I've asked multiple times to slow things down, but NRE doesn't seem to respect that. I'm trying exceptionally hard to come to terms with my emotions, but every time I start to feel ok-ish with things there's either something new thrown in or another date comes up that I have to face. I've specifically told my wife "too much, too fast." I think I can accept her having feelings for another man, but I wasn't expecting them to be so strong so soon.
Feelings come in massive waves and are different for everyone. This happens, there is nothing really anyone can do. Hell I bet she can't even hide her feelings.

In regards to NRE, well...I think there are different degrees of NRE and everyone reacts differently to different situations. Maybe you are asking things to slow down that just can't. Its something not usually spoken, but there are somethings with NRE that almost feel like they HAVE to happen. There is a natural flow to them. If that flow is broken it could really interrupt what they are trying to build. That could create resentment from her to you, or create other areas where she will try to push the relationship unnaturally.

I know it sounds like I am trying to give her an excuse, but I am not. I just believe there are stages of any relationship that have to be allowed to grow at their natural pace or you risk damaging that potential relationship. Besides, when you find someone for yourself, you will want that room to grow too ...

Maybe try and figure out the things "bugging" you and make list of whats important, medium and menial. And try and work one concessions with her to give her some room to grow the relationship but try and remember whats at home too.

I know in my NRE for SJ, I sometimes forget what's at home (not literally, but figuratively, my mind wanders to a location I am not at). It still happens and its something I need a kick to remind me of. Its an important place to have lots of communication to figure out what hurts where and why. I don't think I have mentioned communication enough in this post...so lets just say "communication *10"...its really important

New experiences. New relationships. We thought it would be fun. We felt comfortable with "us."
Would it be more fun it you had someone? Is this jealousy or a feeling of being excluded.

That's one place where this has been beneficial to us. We had a reasonably strong relationship to begin with, but all the discussions have helped solidify that. I, obviously, have my insecurities still, but they're not rational so are extremely difficult to rationalize away. When I do think rationally I'm quite confident about us and our love for each other. It's very difficult to pinpoint where my jealousy is coming from. All I know is that I have it.
Thats awesome to read. You have a good foundation, really you do. Just have some kinks to work out

Best of luck and keep posting, lots of stories and lots of people who can relate and talk to on this forum


Last edited by Ariakas; 10-11-2010 at 07:27 PM.
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