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Old 10-07-2010, 04:06 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Default A woman reached out to me

She saw me on a dating site and began asking me how things were working for us. I shared with her this site but she is still asking me for advise for something her and her partner are dealing with. I'm so new to all this that I'm wary about advising her too much. But her problem is one that would have me in fits. And I've sent her a link to this site but so far she hasn't come here.

She is bi, and that is why they decided to open up their relationship. I guess in the interest of fairness, he was given the right to see other women.
Prior to their decision, her husband had a female co-worker that this woman felt had a thing for her husband. Before their decision to be open, this woman validated her concern by making a move on her husband without any awareness of him having his by and leave to do anything about it.
Once things opened up, this is the exact person her husband went after. He has been up front with this woman concerning that he is not going to leave his wife, and that she should meet his wife. She doesn't want to. She also makes comments like "if I were your wife, I'd never share you".

The wife tells me she is worried about what will come from allowing this woman to continue to build this fantasy where she is assuming their relationship style indicates that this guy isn't cared for and could be pulled. She feels it is more ethical if her husband told the woman that they can not continue till she meets his wife and sees for herself that they are very committed. But her husband isn't wanting to push this. He would prefer to wait it out and if she gets to be a hassle, THEN he will just end things.

I'm struggling to convey my thoughts to her on this. It sounds to me like he isn't treating this woman ethically. The woman he is seeing doesn't seem like a good choice. And what they are having seems much more like an affair since the woman wanted an affair to begin with and the husband isn't considering his wife's feelings or comfort level on how to handle it. What could/should be done here? She says she is willing to try to be friends with this woman but the longer it goes on that way it is, the less inclined she is to see this woman as a potential friend.
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Old 10-07-2010, 07:17 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I think he should definitely invite her over when his wife is there, or invite her on a date with both his wife and her, and be honest about it. I feel if she refuses, she's refusing the relationship, she wants to be mono with him and she's a cowgirl.
It's important that he respects his wife's feelings about it. That woman just wants to pretend it's an affair, I feel. It's easier for her to dislike the man's wife and say she's not good enough for him if she never meets her. So it's very important that she does meet her and develop a relationship with her (not romantic or sexual, I mean a metamour relationship). She needs to understand that when you enter a poly relationship, you enter a relationship with all the existing members (unless they want it another way, of course, but in this case the wife definitely sounds like she wants to know and meet that woman).
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Old 10-08-2010, 06:58 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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affairs are easier even if they are more dishonest and destructive. It sounds like she can't be bothered with the wife. Is she having an affair on a partner? Or is she used to affairs and doesn't get poly? Some people are unable to continue if they know a persons SO because they have an idea then of the real life they have, rather than the fantasy that has been built around their meet ups.

Really if the woman is okay with it and not cut up about it then why not carry on the way things are going. If she is really hurt and jealous then I don't see why she can't insist or just contact the woman herself to see if she can meet her... telling the husband she is going to first of course. I bet he will be all over it if she says she is going to do that and his reasons behind them not meeting will be revealed.
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Old 10-08-2010, 03:52 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Thanks for the input. I will share this with her. It is pretty much what I was thinking too but I don't fully trust myself yet to be free enough of monogamous expectations to risk advising someone on this stuff just yet.
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Old 10-08-2010, 09:36 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Well.......it's likely the only 'model' she has any knowledge and reference to.
If it's all you know, it;s all you do.

Educate her ! Buy her a book - take her to school as they say. And THEn - after that, if she still refuses to meet and act like a responsible person, then you know what you are dealing with. As someone mentioned - cowgirl. I have some other not-so-nice terms for those types

And for him - he needs to know that her behavior now will likely indicate her behavior in the future. Sans education and a new approach.

People reveal their true character in funny ways..............

GS
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Old 10-10-2010, 06:41 PM
granolaglam granolaglam is offline
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I am the woman that Vinccenko is referring to in the post. Thanks for the post and all of the responses. My husband and I had a long and revealing talk yesterday as most of them have been in recent weeks. I shared a lot of what I gathered from these posts.

Part of the problem has been that when we entered into an open relationship, he did not really educate himself about the dynamics. I did and do and then report back. So the education piece that GroundedSpirit referred to is important to me for all parties. In part because I like some structure and guidelines in my life but more importantly this is heavy emotional stuff that can't be dealt with willy nilly, in my opinion. Though we do not have a set date for when we are going to meet, we are at least in a better place with understanding why it needs to happen sooner rather than later.

Thanks everyone.
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Old 10-10-2010, 10:17 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
She feels it is more ethical if her husband told the woman that they can not continue till she meets his wife and sees for herself that they are very committed. But her husband isn't wanting to push this. He would prefer to wait it out and if she gets to be a hassle, THEN he will just end things.
If the husband told the other woman that he and his wife are poly and he's not looking to leave her, then he's dealing with her in an ethical fashion. The other woman may be a cowgirl or may simply be clueless--it's too early to tell.

Now, I expect any woman I'm dating to meet my wife early on, even if it's only via email or texting or a short phone call. I expect that just to head off the cowgirls before they leave the corral. I don't do it because I think it's the most ethical approach--I just don't want to spend more time figuring out if she's a cowgirl.

It's perfectly ethical to spend time seeing the woman without her meeting the wife. He's informed the woman of the poly nature of his marriage and there's no reason to push things in an attempt to be certain she isn't a cowgirl. He's already been open and is dealing with her just fine on that issue.
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Old 10-11-2010, 01:42 AM
granolaglam granolaglam is offline
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thanks for the additional perspective.
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Old 10-11-2010, 06:47 AM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
If the husband told the other woman that he and his wife are poly and he's not looking to leave her, then he's dealing with her in an ethical fashion. The other woman may be a cowgirl or may simply be clueless--it's too early to tell.

Now, I expect any woman I'm dating to meet my wife early on, even if it's only via email or texting or a short phone call. I expect that just to head off the cowgirls before they leave the corral. I don't do it because I think it's the most ethical approach--I just don't want to spend more time figuring out if she's a cowgirl.

It's perfectly ethical to spend time seeing the woman without her meeting the wife. He's informed the woman of the poly nature of his marriage and there's no reason to push things in an attempt to be certain she isn't a cowgirl. He's already been open and is dealing with her just fine on that issue.
The only person I've met that my husband has dated, I knew before hand. There are a few others I never met nor asked to meet.
The person my husband has met that I've been dating; a meeting was offered and he said he would feel better if he did meet my husband. So I'm perfectly willing to admit I don't know what is best in all situations.

I agree too that one doesn't need to force a meeting immediately or even in every instance. But if you're seeing someone who is throwing off all the signs of what you want to avoid, wouldn't a meeting, chat, whatever be a great way to go about sussing it out?
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Old 10-11-2010, 06:53 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Yes, it is a good way to help gauge the other woman's intent. The question, though, was whether it was ethical to continue to see her without that meeting--and it is entirely ethical to not push the matter.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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