Gay, Bi-, Queer Poly Men Gather & Chat Here

[anotherbo]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

BTW, you said you want to connect with men emotionally now, whereas before you were just more into the cock. My gf and I joke about how we'd be content with each other sexually, but... sigh... boys and their darn sexy cocks.

Lol Magdlyn, you make me laugh.

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

One must put up with a lot of lame guy crap (bad communication abilities mostly) just to get to play with those yummy cocks.

I must say, after 30+ years living with a straight vanilla man, it's so damn refreshing and easy to be in a LTR with a woman (even tho she's trans). This is in reference to typical male/female communication styles, and .... present company excluded, of course.

Thanks for excluding us... but personally I'm still dishing out lots of lame guy crap myself! Part of it is having been so isolated socially... its not just my sex skills that are rusty! I need some WD-40 to grease my social interactions too.

Male/female communication styles... communication and social connectedness are things I seriously undervalued in my young life. Just as I undervalued women in general. I'm trying to make up for lost time now.


Anotherbo

P.S. Wow, could I be more fucking self-absorbed at the moment! Seems like everything I post is about me. A change is coming...

P.P.S. -

Magdalyn ~ "Who are these others? Just take 'em one at a time when you can find 'em!"

Excellent point!

[anotherbo]

Originally Posted by RazeGeneration

And if a relationship develops between you and a guy, are you more looking forward to the sexual aspects, or emotional?

I ask because when I first started dating, those things were separate, and mostly still are, though I'm working on it. If I liked a guy, I would shy away from jumping his bones too soon, however if I got in a guys pants early, I tend to not care much for them. There have only been few exceptions for me...

I'd love to hear more about the exceptions. And anything going on in your life, relationship-wise.

[River]

Originally Posted by anotherbo

P.S. Wow, could I be more fucking self-absorbed at the moment! Seems like everything I post is about me. A change is coming...

"To study the Buddha Way is to study the self,
to study the self is to forget the self,
and to forget the self is to be enlightened
by the ten thousand things."

~ Dogen

Your study of yourself, here, is a publically offered gift. It has none of the feel of perverse self-absorption and all of the feel of a shared waking up process. Do not withhold your gifts.

[RGee91]

Originally Posted by anotherbo

I'd love to hear more about the exceptions. And anything going on in your life, relationship-wise.

As River said, there is no issue with talking about yourself. I'm sure there are other men going through what you are, who could learn alot through your self examination

But I will oblige your questions, the exception was one guy who I'd been friends with for awhile, he came on to me, we had a sex-filled relationship for about 6 months that was really more of a FWB relationship, just with less friend, more benefit . During this period, we rarely talked aside from group conversations with friends and teammates (we played football in high school btw), but really no 1on1. When we were alone, we fucked. After the sex stopped though, our friendship resurfaced and he's now one of my best friends.
Although it did follow my usual pattern of:
no sex=connection
sex=no connection
What made it different is that we were able to re-establish a friendship. That only happened once before him.
It was a guy I really liked, even while we were sexual. He was my first. I'm still very much protective of him, even though that chapter has been closed for years. We've also been able to hold a friendship, though not nearly as strong as my old team-mate.

Currently I'm single and being pursued. I see no point in entertaining him because I'm literally leaving the continent in 2 days. Also, he's not out, and I'm really bored of closet-cases. I think it's sad that of the (insert number here) men I've been with, only one identify as gay, and one as bi. All the others were "straight" (-_-)

I don't want a relationship I have to hide, gay or poly...

[River]

Originally Posted by RazeGeneration

Although it did[n't(?)] follow my usual pattern of:
no sex=connection
sex=no connection

By connection, I suppose you mean (what some folks call) heart connection, or lovingness / tenderness (?).

In my own case, if I'm very attracted to someone, I'm attracted to the whole person. Otherwise, I'm just not that much attracted to begin with. That is, physical attributes alone aren't enough to make me very attracted to a person sexually. Sex, for me, always involves my heart (and his or hers) -- even though I like the physical aspects of sex as much as anyone. So your usual pattern strikes me as a bit sad and lonely, and I'm glad you're challenging yourself to open that up -- or break out.

Originally Posted by RazeGeneration

I see no point in entertaining him because I'm literally leaving the continent in 2 days.

From where to where?, if you don't mind my asking.

[River]

Hey, Where'd ever'body go?

[anotherbo]

Hey River, I'm still around, but I'm guessing Raze is changing continents right now.

Anyhow, your holistic feeling about the people you date sounds very healthy to me. It's pretty much what I'm working toward. I do ok re: women, but I still have no actual experience with any M-M relationships, so we'll see how that goes when the time comes.

So what's your story as far as relationships, these days? I saw you post that you'd been in a couple different ltr's in the past, and in an earlier post it sounded like you're not finding anybody to connect with at present.

[new2poly]

Originally Posted by anotherbo

Closer to the second ~OR~, River.

When I met my (now ex) wife, I realized that a deep emotional bond is what I really had being needing in my relationships with women; and having this emotional intimacy really fueled our sexual connection, which was the most intense in my life so far.

Beforehand I was basically thinking of women as sex objects, and didn't value them appropriately. Similar to how my thinking has been in the recent past about men. And I think finding an emotional intimacy with a man would similarly fuel my desire for sexual intimacy. I'm open to that now in a way I haven't been before.

Its only in the last few months that my attitudes have been changing in this respect. Being grossed out by kissing or cuddling or the idea of falling in love with a man, these are already things of the past; I guess my earlier posts didn't make that clear. Even the idea that I might someday consider a man to be "my boyfriend" would have seemed strange to me a couple months ago; now I contemplate this possibility happily.

As for the types of men's groups you mentioned, I have some confused mixed feelings about the idea. But I can't seem to sort out the 'why' of it right now.

Thanks for the continuing input!

I would like some gay/bi/queer men to comment on my thread in the new to poly forum, "What is this?". I think it would be really beneficial to me to get the take of gay men on my relationship.

Basically, I am the wing in a FMM Vee. I have a deep need for emotional intimacy, but not so deep a need for sex. My primary satisfies my deep emotional needs thoroughly... because my primary identifies as a gay man, we are abstinent and I have no expectations of that changing. We don't have any less of a 'relationship' however because of the lack of sex. If anything we are even more emotionally connected.

[new2poly]

Originally Posted by River

As I re-read what I posted above I realized that the phrase "non-sexual passionate love" may ring more than a little weird in some ears. "What the hell could THAT mean?!" But it's clear to me that not all passionately loving relationships have a strong (or any) sexual/erotic focus. (I chose "focus" because I couldn't immediately think of another appropriate word.) ... And so I guess I only go so far with Freud on even this matter. He thought sexual eros was the root of all desire for intense intimacy or closeness. I rather doubt it's quite that simple. Even the term "eros" needn't necessarily refer to sexual desire.

Eros is mainly about passionate desire and/or bonding. It's at the core of all loving in some form or another, sexual or otherwise. Certainly it was there in our relationship with our parents, however healthy or distorted. Anyway, all friendships which are genuinely loving have some passion, some eros. And that's a good thing. If you ask me. But poor Eros has long been misunderstood and underappreciated in our culture. Especially in M-M relationships--friendship or otherwise. Straight men are often terrified of their desire for loving intimacy with men/guys! We're taught that. And not getting the message is to dance with a taboo.

I'm glad to "hear" someone voice this, "non-sexual passionate love". I love my BF, my primary, who is a gay man. I have long felt that physical affection is often mistook for something it isn't. I love to touch him, hold his hands, kiss him sweetly, lay in his arms, but that doesn't mean I want to have sex with him. Lots of my friends just think I'm lying about it, that I secretly want to 'change' him, but... I just don't. I love him, just as he is, and more importantly I respect him. Sex is off the table, I just accept that and because of that I am able to be me with him, warts and all. I don't have to impress him to make him "want" me.

I am now opening myself to the fact that different people can fulfill different needs. If my needs turn sexual, I can find someone to satisfy that...right now it's not necessary.

[River]

New2Poly,

I'm both fascinated and excited by the possibilities we're rubbing up against in this conversation about "non-sexual passionate love". In reality, at present, I can only imagine myself into such a relationship. I think I could do well in such a situation. But I have so little experience with it. So who knows. And, obviously, there are perhaps a thousand ways to be in such a relationship. Some folks may include lots of hugging, cuddling, holding hands... -- physical intimacy which isn't sexual, per se. That sounds good. I could deal with that. But I'm also a sexual being, and so I'd probably want to be getting that need met by another--or others.

Anyway, the ideal that I can imagine but which I have not yet lived/experienced involves lots of people, lots of contacts, lots of relationships... some of which are very-very intimate and bonded (sexually or otherwise) and others which are less so. In my ideal world, everyone (nearly) would be much more available for touch, for hugs and cuddles and caresses. Kisses, even. And I'd be more available for these, too! (I've got my "stuff".)

Sex is good. Sex is important. Sex is valuable. But love is more so. Or so thinks I.