Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-14-2009, 05:41 AM
Creatress Creatress is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 23
Unhappy Helping my Mom Handle This

I'm 25, a single mom, getting into my first real poly relationship. I love my boyfriend & girlfriend, who are married, and it's involving a move that puts me 1,800 miles away from my parents, instead of 600. My mom is devastated. She's convinced that they're going to take advantage of me, that my DD2 will be scarred for life, that this is a stupid decision. She's convinced that we're only going to see her once a year and DD won't know who she is. My loves are not very close with their families, so it's hard for them to understand, but I'm doing the moving because they have the bigger house and the job (but he's job-hunting) and they don't have the capital to move, right now. *sigh*

This really hurts. This hurts worse than when I came out as queer, worse than when I told her I was pregnant (and single). She's heartbroken. I miss being able to talk to her once or twice a week without feeling like a horrible person. How can I help her along through this?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-14-2009, 06:21 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default Being Well - Doing Well

Quote:
Originally Posted by Creatress View Post
How can I help her along through this?
First, be well and do well.

If she loves you--and I'm sure she does--, deep down, fundamentally, she wants you to do well and be well. She may not understand that you can be well and do well in the circumstance you're entering into, but that doesn't mean that you can't or won't. She may fear that you can't or won't. (I don't know; I'm guessing.) But you can -- Or so I presume. (Sometimes being well and doing well requires us to move on from situations that don't do well by us, but that's just life.)

Comfort her with your own happiness, joy, love, peace, freedom, growth.... She does want this for you, doesn't she? (If she doesn't, fogive her and hope one day that she'll wake up.)

It's your life you must live, and not everyone -- and often not everyone close to you -- will understand, appreciate, or even accept your choices. But if you choose based on what you feel or know to be right for you at the given moment, while being open to hearing the expressions of others on the matter, you're doing the best you can for yourself. And anyone who disapproves of your choices when you're following your own path can be listened to without resulting in a loss of autonomy or personal peace and happiness. Tell Mom that you have to follow your own heart; but let her know that you intend to be well and do well. That you'll accept nothing less.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-14-2009, 09:39 PM
Catfish Catfish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: America's High Five
Posts: 299
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JRiverMartin View Post
First, be well and do well.

If she loves you--and I'm sure she does--, deep down, fundamentally, she wants you to do well and be well.
Pretty much the gospel truth.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-14-2009, 10:31 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 369
Default

It sounds as if your mother loves you and is concerned for you. But, ultimately, your life is your life. Let her know why you feel this is right for you and how happy this makes you. And then hope she comes to accept, if not understand. I wish you all the best.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-15-2009, 12:52 AM
aussielover's Avatar
aussielover aussielover is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Home Sweet Home :D
Posts: 262
Default

I'm in a very similar situation to you. Although my loves are the ones with the children, not me, and I'm moving half way around the world. I WISH it were only 1800 miles.
I haven't told my parents yet. I plan to do so once it's been working for a few months. Good luck. You have to do what will make you happy. Hopefully once she sees how happy you and your daughter are, she will feel better and be happy for you.
__________________
"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Home
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-15-2009, 02:29 AM
Quath Quath is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504
Default

See it as concern and let her know that you are happy with it. The other worries are no different than if you were straight and moving to be with a heterosexual partner.

You can help put her mind at ease by letting her know that you are lucky to have two loves while many people just get one. Let her know that you are grown up and you are making grown up decisions. Sometimes she may disagree and sometimes she may be right. But ultimately, this is your life to live and not hers.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-15-2009, 06:11 AM
Sunshinegrl's Avatar
Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 227
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
See it as concern and let her know that you are happy with it. The other worries are no different than if you were straight and moving to be with a heterosexual partner.

You can help put her mind at ease by letting her know that you are lucky to have two loves while many people just get one. Let her know that you are grown up and you are making grown up decisions. Sometimes she may disagree and sometimes she may be right. But ultimately, this is your life to live and not hers.

This.
__________________
I donít get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here...
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know that I am
I am, I am
The luckiest..
~ Ben Folds five ~
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-15-2009, 07:11 AM
Creatress Creatress is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 23
Default *sigh*

All of what you've said makes sense. It's going to be hard convince her that I'm happy when I know those first few months are going to be tense--their third doesn't like me much, feels threatened, etc. And it's a big adjustment for me. Don't get me wrong, I am excited, and I'm in love. The thought of not seeing these two again is downright painful. But man, I am not looking forward to these next six months of conversations with my mom. We've been close my whole life, it's really hard to see her so sad.

What about her arguments that they could try to use DD against me down the line (if they were crazy, which they're not, but Mom is pretty convinced they must be). The other big fear, which is actually a bit more realistic, is that DD's dad's family will find out from facebook or something, and try to take DD away. We'll be living on the opposite side of their state. So she's worried about those worst-case scenarios, too. The second one, I can't make much headway on. I'm not super concerned about it because as far as I can tell, the relationship structure is legal in their state, they just can't call non-married spouses for what they are (bigamy laws). But it's generally a more progressive state, so hopefully the law would be on my side.

Aaaargh. *sigh* I want Mom to be happy for me. It won't happen soon, but geeze...this interim is going to be pretty intolerable.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-15-2009, 03:13 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Creatress View Post
... their third doesn't like me much, feels threatened, etc.
Hmm. I had the impression from your initial post that you were entering a dyad and making it a triad. This new bit of info is a bit disappointing -- as she wasn't mentioned before ... and this suggests there may be a greater problem than you may want to acknowledge. If their "third" doesn't like you and feels threatened, things could end up being more than tense. They could explode in your face. Emphasis on the word "could" here.

Are you sure you want to enter into a situation like that?

How will this serious problem be addressed? Will the two others (the first you mentioned) help resolve this, or will leave it to you and the "third"?
I ask because I'd not want to be abandoned by my partners in that way. I'd want them to insist that they'll give serious help to me in dealing with this "third".

Are you on open speaking terms with the Third?

Again..., are you SURE you want to be in the middle of that?
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-15-2009, 05:26 PM
Creatress Creatress is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 23
Default

Regarding the third, Q, originally she was on her way out. She saw how good things were when I was there, and wanted in on it, basically. She had previously checked out of the relationship, and is now working on it again, and because A & R (my significant others) love her, they're willing to let her work things out.

Q won't really talk to me about anything serious, which is why I'm of the mind that if she doesn't want to talk about it, it doesn't get to be my problem. A & R have said before that if Q gave them an ultimatum or something, they'd pick me, because I contribute more to the family emotionally, sexually, financially, intellectually, and practically. To clarify, they definitely love Q, but she's young, she doesn't have as much earning power, isn't as educated, and has a lot of emotional issues she's working out. Not the best communicator, either. So there's baggage. They love her, but life in the triad is rough, mainly because whoever isn't between the sheets at a given time feels left out, which would be somewhat resolved with the quad since they'd have someone else to go be with. There are also some financial and time resource issues happening, since Q doesn't drive. The three of them share one vehicle, and Q has to get a ride, meaning someone else's time, etc.

Also clarifying, I don't see myself as the rescuer, here. I'm not assuming it's going to be near-bliss. It will be rough at times. But I want to give it six months or so and see if we can make it work, because if we can, it will be wonderful. I think Q will likely feel better once I'm there for a while--she had this problem before I went to visit, as well, and I think she's letting her fears and worst-case scenarios percolate in her mind, making me out to be more intimidating than I am.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:12 AM.