Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-07-2010, 08:16 AM
jlpanian jlpanian is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
Posts: 22

Originally Posted by geminigirl View Post
What you are looking for does not have to be polygamy, depending on the spiritual commitment and relationship dynamics of everyone involved.

One question which comes to mind is if you would be open to a girlfriend who would also have the option of having another lover other than yourself?
Thats a tough question. I have already wrote and re-wrote several times only to have deleted it all. I guess the best answer is no. I say this because by saying yes, I feel like my wife is getting the short end of the stick, and I'm not looking for just an extra relationship on the side. I'm looking for a relationship with my wife and another woman. Except no three-way sex or anything.

I think I would be more accepting of the other woman having outside relationships, more so than I would be with my wife. (remember my wife likes the idea of me being with another woman, not visa versa). But the problem with saying yes, is that I feel like im diminishing the connection between another woman, and our relationship. It is not that I do not think she can be loving to two different people. But I feel that i'm looking for someone to come join our life!

As RP says, this is very complicated, because its easy to want this new person to conform to our lives, but we need to be equally supportive and conformative to her life as well. I am not sure this woman even exists, but hypothetically this is how I see it in my mind.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2010, 08:32 AM
geminigirl's Avatar
geminigirl geminigirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 111

What you're wanting is not ethically wrong, though it might not be ideal for many people. My suggestion is to be VERY honest with women that you meet about what you want and let them decide for themselves. I don't think it's impossible for you to find a partner who will be happy with this arrangement, but it is important to remember that everyone's relationship needs are personal, and can change over time. Loving any other person is always a risk and we cannot control all the factors involved.

Ask for what you want, as honestly as you can, and be open to people regardless of their flaws and variances.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2010, 05:40 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,433

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I find it difficult to understand what she would see as the advantage, knowing my PN's struggles to have enough time with me.
I can understand it, actually. I feel the same about my husband. I want him to get more that what I alone can bring to him, and I want an "accomplice" to share things with, to plan surprises, to organise things together, etc.
But in my case, I just wouldn't be able to be mono, so I guess that's the part I have more trouble "getting".

JP, what if you met a woman who felt the same way, but who was already married? Say, a mirror version of your own situation. The man isn't interested in other relationships, the woman is, the man wants her to have another man, etc.
And they want to be one big family. Not "she joins your family but has someone on the side" but "they both join your family". You'd all raise all kids together, and so on.
Does that seem bad to you as well? I'm asking because I'm thinking maybe it's the question of "outsiders" that is a problem, but what if the other man was not an outsider? What if he became part of the family as well? Your wife and he would have things in common, being the mono ones. You would share a wife with him and therefore have that same "accomplice" relationship I was referring to earlier.

Would that possibly work?
Of course you can't really plan ahead. As RP said, what happens is just unpredictable, you meet someone, they have their own "luggage", their own expectations, you often have to rethink your rules or boundaries to accommodate everyone. But I find it can be helpful to think about various situation and wonder how you would feel about them, because this way if you encounter them down the road you are more prepared.
Me: 31F, straight
Seamus: My husband, 32M, straight
Dragon: My boyfriend, 29M, pansexual, married to Fox
Fox: My boyfriend, 29M, homoflexible, married to Dragon
Reply With Quote
Old 10-07-2010, 11:13 PM
jlpanian jlpanian is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
Posts: 22


Thanks first and foremost for joining in the discussion.

I have not actually thought about that. I think you may be onto something, when I think about outsiders, or mystery men. I think I am probably afraid of the unknown in that regards.

As I think about the couples idea, it doesn't seem that bad. There are plenty of times I would love to have another great guy friend to hang out with and do things with. I think I would have to trust him pretty well (and Im sure the same would go for him, especially since we would be sharing the same woman).

I think I am the most open to this idea more so than some of the others. Very interesting contribution, thank you.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 03:52 AM.