New to Poly and needing help

[Fidelia]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Why did you wait 45 mins before seeing what was going on?

I don’t really have much of an answer for that question, except that I was lost in my own head. I remember listening to my heart pound for a very long time. I guess I entered that entered that state where time fades. As I wrote in the OP, this is all new to me, and to a very large extent I feel like a stranger in a strange land (and not in a cool Heinlein martian way. This I do not grok.)

Originally Posted by redpepper

What did you think was going on?

I had no idea whatsoever. That’s why I went to find out.

Originally Posted by redpepper

I think you have yourself to blame for that.

You are certainly right about that. I agree.

Originally Posted by redpepper

If this was a first time after a long wait to broach the topic I can totally see them getting caught up in it.

I can totally see it too. It is completely understandable. Understanding it does not help the wound heal.

Originally Posted by redpepper

Damn right they both need to sit and listen as you work through your anger though.

Funny thing: I'm not really all that angry. I feel hurt, insecure, and abandoned, mostly. Some anger now and then, but not much.

Originally Posted by redpepper

But don't forget to tell them that is all it is. Working through it to see where you end up.

Right now he and I are stuck in the elephant house. There's no telling where we'll end up, but for the time being at least that's where we are.

Once again, everyone, please accept my sincere thanks to each of you who’ve taken the time to consider my situation and respond. Your insights and questions are really helping me get a handle on this. Also, thanks to each of you who read this thread and took a moment to send me a good vibe, It’s working. Things are coming clearer at last. Thank you all.

I have decided to find a poly-friendly counselor and do the work necessary to learn the lesson being offered here so that I can heal and move on. (And I might as well do it now while I still have coverage for it.) If Hubby and Star decide at some point they wants to revisit these issues, I’ll try to be ready to meet them where they are. But I’m not waiting for them. I’m going to find the straightest line between the problem and the solution and I am going to get from here to there, and I know I’ll be stronger and better and wiser for having made the trip. Thank you all for the encouragement and support. I particularly liked the hugs. Really, thanks.

[XYZ123]

Good luck with the counseling. Will hubby and Star come with? Maybe it will be a more evenly grounded setting to discuss these issues? Sometimes having a "referee" for all the emotional parties can be a big help.

[redpepper]

you sound strong Fidelia. Good for you taking the bull by the horns!

I was wondering to if they would agree to go with you to counseling?

Hugs to you, keep at it, you're doing great. Let us know what happens.... ?

[Fidelia]

Star lives too far away for counseling to be a viable option except maybe once in a while, and Hubby seems to be making himself comfortable in the elephant house. So for now at least, it looks like individual counseling for me. And that’s okay. Of course I’d rather work it through with him/them, but if he won’t, he won’t. And I’m certainly not going to further damage our marriage by pushing him. I already know where that course of action leads He’s one of those people with will NOT be pushed, but can often be lead. So I’m going to move forward, and concentrate on my healing. Hopefully he’ll see me making progress and at some point decide to deal with the elephant. But that’s his choice to make.

Originally Posted by redpepper

you sound strong Fidelia. Good for you taking the bull by the horns!

I am strong. I know I’ll get past this. This is not my first rodeo, after all. My heart’s been broken before, plenty of times, and it always heals stronger in the mended places. This is a bad break, to be sure, and made worse by the “who did what to who,” and even worse by the isolation of not having my nearest and dearest to help me deal with it. I really did feel like there wasn’t anyone in the world I could open up to about it.

But you guys here at this forum have helped me so much, with your insights and ideas, your solid advice, and most of all just your support. I really cannot thank you enough for your help. I am filled with gratitude for the blessings you all have given me.

Okay, everybody c’mere for a big group hug. Come on. . . . *BIG BIG warm loving grateful HUGS*

[Rarechild]

Urrrmph..aaaaahh.

You go Fidelia. I am so glad you have found the beginnings of peace with your situation. I am impressed by your attitude and by you taking charge of your own state of mind.

[Fidelia]

NOBODY else wants a group hug??

Okay, fine . . . Rarechild and I will enjoy this awesome poly-hug enough for all the group . . .

Mmmmm . . .mmm. . .

[MonoVCPHG]

Whoooaaaa...no hugging for me unless it's Redpepper

[Mark1npt]

Love the cracker!!!!!!

[redpepper]

oh! I do! I do! ahhhhhhh, love a big 'ol huggy.... tee hee. makes me all soft and mushy **

thanks Fidelia

[XYZ123]

*hugs*