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  #51  
Old 10-06-2010, 06:48 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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You're right, I need to look at the positives. Of course I'm incredibly lucky and shouldn't feel guilty... But it's human I think. I imagine two best friends who do everything together, and one of them meets someone and the other doesn't, suddenly it isn't "balanced" or "symmetrical" anymore, you know what I mean?
I also feel I'm hoarding all the luck

You're right that it's good J was honest about where she stands. It's better than having to deal with a messy situation later, and of course having a friend is a good thing, and she's a very nice person, so I should focus on that.

Thank you for giving me a different perspective
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  #52  
Old 10-06-2010, 07:07 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
You're right, I need to look at the positives. Of course I'm incredibly lucky and shouldn't feel guilty... But it's human I think. I imagine two best friends who do everything together, and one of them meets someone and the other doesn't, suddenly it isn't "balanced" or "symmetrical" anymore, you know what I mean?
I also feel I'm hoarding all the luck

You're right that it's good J was honest about where she stands. It's better than having to deal with a messy situation later, and of course having a friend is a good thing, and she's a very nice person, so I should focus on that.

Thank you for giving me a different perspective
You shouldn't feel like you're the only one who Sean and I have to look to for support either, because you're forgetting that Sean and I are friends now who can commiserate with someone else who gets it.
I can understand why you feel upset with J, though, even though I hope the two of you will still be friends. Maybe she didn't realise that she was sending all those signals, or maybe as MG said she realised in the end that poly isn't for her. Either way, she's a good friend and I'll be okay in the end. Hopefully some day I'll meet someone else who is more poly-friendly or poly-curious, but until then I'm very happy I have you in my life, and I'm happy that you have Sean in your life too.
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  #53  
Old 10-07-2010, 05:23 AM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
You're right, I need to look at the positives. Of course I'm incredibly lucky and shouldn't feel guilty... But it's human I think. I imagine two best friends who do everything together, and one of them meets someone and the other doesn't, suddenly it isn't "balanced" or "symmetrical" anymore, you know what I mean?
I
Yes I know what you mean by balance. I think RP talks about that in her blog. Finding that balance and always trying to balance everyone's happiness, meeting needs. A legit worry for your loves. Very loving women! But hell yeah you are hoggin the luck...throw some this way!
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  #54  
Old 10-07-2010, 06:04 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Haha I wish I could spread the luck, I really do!
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  #55  
Old 10-07-2010, 06:10 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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Haha I wish I could spread the luck, I really do!
If you figure out a way to, I think Sean and I would get first dibs on some.
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  #56  
Old 10-07-2010, 07:41 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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If you figure out a way to, I think Sean and I would get first dibs on some.
You both have me. Ergo, you both have some luck already
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  #57  
Old 10-10-2010, 12:39 AM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
You both have me. Ergo, you both have some luck already
Don't worry, I know I never forget how lucky I am and I'm sure Sean doesn't either. It's one thing to know it and another to feel it when the rejection is still fresh, that's all.
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  #58  
Old 10-13-2010, 10:15 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I've been dealing with some issues with Ragabash lately. It's a mix of a lot of things: how he took my finally seeing Sean (he's been much less confident since I've come back, and as a result I'm less drawn to being intimate with him), how he took J's rejection (once again, loss of self-confidence, sadness, etc), and some underlying issue we've both had for years (depression, anxiety, stress... On various levels we've both had both. I'd say he's more heavily into the depression aspect, I'm more heavily into the stress aspect).

Bottom line is, there have been some tensions between us. I keep wanting to have sex with him, but being put off because he seems so miserable most of the time. And when he does feel a bit better and I start to relax and trust him again, he gets more sexually aggressive than I would like and it goes down to zero.

We've had similar issues for years, and it's always a vicious cycle (not having sex with me causes him to be depressed, his being depressed causes me not to want sex with him). Fortunately, and that's why I'm posting about it now, I feel it's going to be better soon.
First, he seems to recognise he has a problem with depression and want to work on that, which is very good. He took an appointment with a GP, which is a good step if he follows through (it will be like at least the fifth appointment taken in order for him to find a therapist, and so far we're still at point zero after a year and a half).
And the other thing, that I was hesitant to talk about because I don't want it to cause my husband to feel more down... Sean has been helping me a lot.
Before, for the five years we've been together (well, really, the last three years or so. That's when he started having anxiety attacks that stressed me out, and other procrastination issues caused me to lose trust in him and not want to be intimate as much) I always felt all alone in that. Who could I turn to? I talked to my girlfriends, but their advice was always to leave him, and I never wanted to do that. Ragabash is my husband for a reason, and I want to work through these issues. But I know I can't tackle it on my own anymore, it's been too draining for my own health.
But now, I feel I can talk to Sean, because he's genuinely interested in our happiness. He wants our relationship to succeed. He wants both Raga and me to be happy and healthy.

It really helps me to talk to him about it, although I told him yesterday, I felt bad that for the past month or so, it's pretty much the only thing we've talked about. I guess problems in a relationship do spread to all the others, but the thing is, it didn't drive Sean and me apart. I didn't create a drain on our relationship. It brought us closer, and brought me closer to Raga as well.
Because I have someone to talk to who comforts me and helps me, I'm stronger to face the next struggle we face. And I think now we're finally able to make progress rather than getting further and further down.

And ultimately, I realise it's not a problem in our relationship (I mean Raga's and mine). It's problems we have individually. If we can work on ourselves separately it will be a big help. I feel we can't help each other because the way we work causes us to make the other feel worse (the vicious cycle I mentioned earlier).

We also picked up a nice book about anxiety and phobias. I've been following its advice and feeling much more calm and relaxed, I'm thinking it will help us a lot (we both have numerous anxiety problems as well as phobias).

It's hard to know the line with oversharing, but I trust people here, and I feel confident talking about my relationship with Raga considering he can post here at any time, too. I'd be leery of talking to people if I knew they were only getting one half of a story (mine) instead of the whole picture. Here at least you can get the whole picture, since it's equally my and Raga's blog.
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  #59  
Old 10-14-2010, 01:12 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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Okay, I'm going to put my point of view on, although Tonberry is largely correct in her interpretation of what happened, except for a few key points.

The first is that my self-confidence didn't get lower as a result of her seeing Sean in person for the first time, that blow came later in a stress-fueled conversation that I've been told I misinterpreted. However, what ended up happening did seem like it was confirming my fears about entering into poly, that I would end up being the provider of emotional in financial support, but when it comes to physical needs I would be left out in the cold.

The second is that I have recognized for a long time that I have a problem with depression, but an event that occurred over the weekend finally drove it home for me so that I finally recognized that I can't handle it by myself, and that I have to finally face my fears and get therapy.

I'm also happy to say that I'm relieved that Tonberry has Sean to talk to, because he's close enough to care but not right in the middle of the situation, so it doesn't make me depressed or jealous.


I may post more later, but right now I can barely think, it's been a long night.
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  #60  
Old 10-14-2010, 09:14 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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You're right, you didn't get depressed right after I came back. First I was the one who felt down because upon my return I learned that my interest was moving across the country and I wouldn't be able to see him when I spent a month with Sean (they were coworkers), and possibly lose contact with him.
So I was feeling down about that for a bit, and I guess that's how our vicious circle started this time.

I'm not sure why it slipped my mind, then again the few days after I heard about it, I was feeling like my brain was the blue screen of death I guess I had blocked that out or something.
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