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  #1  
Old 10-06-2010, 03:59 AM
alexi alexi is offline
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Default Children in a polyamorous relationship

My wife and me are in a relationship with another couple for about a year now. To strengthen our bonds further the other couple have suggested that we have a child each from the opp spouse followed by a child from our own wives. We have no kids now. We are in our thirties.

Do you thing this is a great suggestion and a safe one too. What could be the possible implications?

Thank you
Alexi
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  #2  
Old 10-06-2010, 04:39 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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At the moment my thoughts are:

Why?

Is a year really enough time to determine that you want to have children with these people?

Who will be the legal guardians?

How will you discuss things with the children?

What about when they are in school and have the others children on the playground asking questions?

I'm not against it, but I think there is a lot there for you all to discuss and think about. Alot of good and bad can come from this. It all needs to be considered before making such a decision.

My biggest concern is, why from the other partner first? I'm 27 my husband is 29, we've been together 8 yrs married almost 5, and we have no children. When the time comes for that, I want to have my husbands child.

It's a big step all around. I wish you luck in that decision, but for your sake and that of the kids, don't make it lightly.
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  #3  
Old 10-06-2010, 04:45 AM
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aLABiMCpl aLABiMCpl is offline
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Arrow 1st is 1st....




Kind of weird suggestion actually.

I would think if having a kid with the other in a couple was a viable option it would be the 2nd one.... 1st being having one with your spouse.


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Old 10-06-2010, 04:55 AM
alexi alexi is offline
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I am totally against this idea. I feel maybe aLABiMCpl's idea is a better one. But still I am not game atleast for the moment.... for I feel uncomfortable and feel it's too early for such thoughts as Mohegan has pointed out.

Thank you
Alexi
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  #5  
Old 10-06-2010, 05:15 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Yeah if you're against it, then it should be an easy decision.

Don't place anyone in a situation that they aren't sure of. Especialy children.

I am really one who advocates for a healthy home for children. If anyone has issues with this, it will not be healthy for the children.

Smooth things over with the couple as simple as "we aren't ready and when we are, we'd like our first child (or all depending) to be ours. We are happy with this relationship, but this is a step we aren't ready for"

How would you handle it if you weren't married and the one your were dating for a year said, I want you to parent my child? I'd personaly run, but that's me.

I question why they would even bring this up.
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Old 10-06-2010, 05:32 AM
alexi alexi is offline
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His idea was that his proposal will strengthen our bonds as intimate couples for a long time. I now wonder if he was really serious.... the wives are non-committal though.

He has good looks and claims he had earlier fathered a cute baby girl for a childless couple about 3 yrs ago.

Alexi

Last edited by alexi; 10-06-2010 at 07:23 AM.
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Old 10-06-2010, 12:12 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alexi View Post
His idea was that his proposal will strengthen our bonds as intimate couples for a long time. I now wonder if he was really serious.... the wives are non-committal though.

He has good looks and claims he had earlier fathered a cute baby girl for a childless couple about 3 yrs ago.

Alexi
I think that is one doozy of a wrong reason to create a human being (or two, if the second thing is also one of his "reasons"). It sounds like this guy bases his masculinity and self-worth on how many eggs his sperm can fertilize.

[cue ass-whooping for being "judgmental" - see signature]

Last edited by NeonKaos; 10-06-2010 at 12:17 PM.
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  #8  
Old 10-06-2010, 02:34 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Wow, it seems to him that kids are pawns for creating a stronger bond. Well, he is right. It will be stronger, because it will be all about the kids, the moment someone gets pregnant. It will be for the rest of the lives of whom ever creates the child. If he thinks that it would be all about cute cuddly babies that one can gaze at and coo at and then get about being intimate with ones partner then all I have to say is HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! ya right! So doesn't happen like that.

You know that saying that that they say to new parents that they have a "bundle of joy?" Well, its bullshit. Babies are demanding, self centered, loud, consume your entire brain because you have to think about schedules, feeding, changes, clothing, schools, dynamics with parents, grand parents, other children... it goes on forever...They are no "bundle of joy." Maybe if at the end of the day when everything is done for them and them only, you get a fleeting moment of "oh ya! i love them" if you are lucky. Otherwise there is a ton of resentment and exhaustion. yet, miraculously you keep going!

So, ya, do I think its a good idea? Absolutely not. Unless you want your entire dynamic to change and the huge possibility of your quad to fold.

Really I think this guy has some unresolved issues around the loss of his child. I say loss because he fathered a child that he never got to raise. It seems to of affected him. Guess what! because its human nature to be affected when our genes are involved. Again, babies are not pawns for us to push around and think are cute. they are human beings. they are new life. that fact should never be taken lightly if we are to have a healthy future generation. It should never be taken lightly to think it doesn't affect us, even if we don't raise them.

I'm sorry if I sound condescending, but I find it very frustrating that people don't remember that they were children too once upon a time and that they also had a childhood that effected who they are as adults... how is it that they don't see that they would create a child that didn't ask to be born that will also have a childhood. Wouldn't they want to have the best for them. The least amount of trauma, the most love, support, stability and best chance at a future. After all, they will be around for the rest of your life! They never ever go away. you can't get rid of them once they are here. Its a HUGE decision! and should never be done to create any amount of closeness to a partner or anyone. It just doesn't happen like that.
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  #9  
Old 10-06-2010, 05:13 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Also what about the adults? What if you find that someone isn't fertile? It's hard enough not being able to conceive when everyone around you seems to be having babies. I can't imagine adding to that the pressure of having to balance out the babies so that everyone has their genetics evenly dispersed. It just seems like a really bad plan. Babies should be brought into the world because THEY are wanted not because it will make the relationship stronger. There are plenty of mono couples who do the same thing to save a relationship. Guess what? It doesn't work. If you have stress or things aren't great as they are having kids just makes that worse!
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  #10  
Old 10-06-2010, 05:19 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I think it's a bad idea. It seems like it's using kids to have some kind of concrete bond between you guys, but it completely ignores said kid in the process.

Are you all living together? If you were, then I would understand something along the line of "let's stop using birth control, and whoever gets pregnant, we'll raise the kid together and consider each of us a parent". And of course in a case like that you might not even know who is the father, or care for that matter.

Still, if you don't live together, where would the kid live? Would each kid live with their mom and be raised by the non-biological father, with biological ties to the other?

It all sounds very messy and I would say, if you want a strong bond, try something that won't involve someone else for the entirety of their lives. If you don't live together, think about moving together, for instance. Of I don't know, make joint purchases. Something that binds you together but, if things go wrong, will only be a mess for the four of you, without catching kids in the middle of it.

And well, since you don't feel that it's a good idea, then definitely, don't do it. Any child should ideally be planned and really wanted, because it's hard enough when it's a child you seriously want, it's all the harder if you're not into the idea. And you certainly don't want to regret having a kid, that would suck for everyone involved.

I can see an idea like this one work in a completely different situation, but I don't think you've been together long enough to be sure you're past the NRE and in the right mind to raise kids.
Also, I would suggest not having two at once (seems like the plan was for both women to be pregnant, then later both of them to be pregnant again, each time at the same time). I'd say if you're lucky enough to have more people to take care of kids, don't "ruin" that advantage by having more kids simultaneously. You might find that four people for one kid might already be hard on all of you.
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