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  #21  
Old 09-24-2010, 08:48 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Thanks for the positive support!

Now onto the other aspect of actions not matching with words.

The bulk of the last week, I was mensing and dealing with the flu my son had brought home the week before. So I wasn't having fun with anyone! J wanted to see me before he heads out of town on Saturday. That leaves tonight. So I made plans with him.
Husband had a date that canceled on him on Thursday and S is still on the "lets just be friends for a while" tip, so he starts talking about getting a quickie in before I go on my date. It feels a bit like marking his territory with me as the fire hydrant, but I try to not read into it. He was heading out the door for work and we had no time to talk.
I message husband about unrelated stuff and crack a joke about not getting the male mind concerning the whole first dibs and sloppy seconds mentality. He jokes back and all seems fine. However, a big text drama ensues where he complains about how he isn't seeing anyone right now and feels I basically just told him to get in line for my time. Then he tosses in how he had to help me today with our laptop and camera for some work I'm doing this weekend for good measure. So I tell him I'll cancel. I don't want him feeling slighted at all.

And now, let me count, 7 times I'm told he is fine and doesn't care if I keep plans with J.
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  #22  
Old 10-01-2010, 05:29 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Never kept a journal before, but this seems to be shaping up to be one for me....

I've got so many thoughts swirling around in my head. The many years of practice with monogamy seemed to make at least the initial stages of connecting with someone easier; a more clearly mapped route. To be committed or to not be.

It occurred to me that because I already have a primary relationship with legal commitment, I was not making sure I knew what J's relationship goals might be. I guess since I feel limited on what I can offer compared to when I was single, I was overlooking the importance of finding out? But really, when I was single, I would ask these things to determine longer term compatibility before anyone started getting too revved up with the chemical love physical affection creates.

So I asked him, for reference, what his longest relationship was. - A three month monogamous one with a saturation of one on one time and a 7 months breezy FWB that faded due to her traveling a lot and just not getting back in touch with him after one trip. He calls her now and then, but she doesn't return the calls.

So I asked him why his relationships have not lasted long. He says he struggles to build a connection deeper than friendship beyond the physical part and they get fed up and drop him. Now, I've been seeing him since July. The circumstance of our association allows whatever connection struggles he has to go unnoticed. If anything, I've been pleasantly surprised with the level of interest and time he has asked for from me. I guess I'm just not someone who expects a deep committed connection as quickly as others. Maybe its just me, but if the longest time anyone he has seen has been 3 months before getting fed up with what he offers - he's been meeting really impatient people?

The second part of what he has shared was that apparently, he wants a GF and from the sound of it, he would prefer a monogamous relationship style. I cannot give this to him. He seems content to continue seeing me -for now- for a lack of options with what he would prefer to have with someone. He requests time from me, seems eager to fit me into his schedule, and all this speaks to me as an indication that I am wanted. That I can't give him his longer term goal doesn't change what we do with our time together. It does however, change what options I thought might be possible *someday*.

In the past, when I learned that someone I was seeing did not have long term compatibility with myself, I would quickly exit stage left. To continue on with a real mismatch of goals seemed to me to be a waste of time for they and myself. Whatever time they would be giving to finding someone more compatible with their goals would be impinged on by any time they gave to me. All the while with me knowing I was not what they preferred.

So I guess I'm wondering what my responsibility is in all this. Start making the time we share more a friends type of association? Soak up his time until magical mono GF falls out of the sky? Will she also face whatever it is that has made other people give up on him? I mean, if he truly does struggle to make a "deeper connection" with romantic partners, maybe what we have going on is a better fit for him than what he says he wants? But at the same time I have trouble putting stock in the idea that he really does have this struggle when the longest amount of time anyone has afforded him is three months. I wasn't head over heels for my husband for longer than that.

So many What Ifs! What if mono GF does come along? We would have to stop having sex for him to live up to the expectations of a mono GF. Fine, we become friends, but would she be comfortable with him having a friend that he only recently stopped having sex with? And if the goal is for us to end up just being friends - why should that wait until someone comes along? The longer we continue on as is, the more likely I am to feel attached and have sore feelings over the transition.

GAHHHH! Why can't I be one of those people who just doesn't think so much?
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  #23  
Old 10-01-2010, 07:08 PM
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Vincezzo, your last post sounded a lot like Mono's early posts. We had so much to negotiate. You are in a different position than we were but similar in ways also. Maybe reading some of Mono's earlier posts would help?
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  #24  
Old 10-01-2010, 11:58 PM
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I'm in a similar postition. I know I am BF whose name starts with A's rebound relationship after his marriage. He is mono, we were friends and fell in love.
He knew that I wouldn't be leaving my husband. However, wanted to continue the relationship. A few weeks ago, after I talked to him about some long term issues I had with hubs, told him I wanted a d in the heat of the moment. He apparently, felt that I would follow through with this and I would begin a permanet ltr mono relationship with him. I told Husband this and that I would straighten this out. A and I had a long talk, almost broke up.

I explained to for several reasons we couldn't be togather long term. We have decided to proceed with a quality not quanity relationship. We both feel this is where we are now and when he is ready to move on. We will transition to friends. He isn't currently looking for another partner, we have good understanding of this. I just know for me, my life is better with him in it and I love him. So I am doing my best to meet his emotional needs and my husband's needs. I am just not going to worry about how long it lasts. I do realize we aren't on a day to day thing. We both have plans for future things togather. So I am happy and secure. I also know he will always have love in his heart for me.
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  #25  
Old 10-03-2010, 06:40 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Vincezzo, your last post sounded a lot like Mono's early posts. We had so much to negotiate. You are in a different position than we were but similar in ways also. Maybe reading some of Mono's earlier posts would help?
I did read some of his earlier ones; thanks for suggesting. I think he is a bit like me in that he is calculating. Not a negative thing as it doesn't imply the grade of intentions so much as it is just about weighing odds and getting caught up in possibilities without evidence. Really, I'm over thinking possible factors rather than real factors. I'm stuffing the majority of my musings in the mental wait and see box. If, in the end, I get my heart caught up and it results in hurt it isn't going to be anything I haven't weathered before.

J and I had a discussion last night about this stuff. He is really good at the physical acts that imply emotion to others. The soft caring aspect is perhaps, misleading to others, prompting the "where is this headed?" talk a bit prematurely for him with his past partners. Just one of those things I noticed and offered up for his consideration. He did voice that some of the relationship ideals he holds are things that may or may not ever come to pass for him regardless of whether I'm in the picture or not. If we stopped seeing each other sexually, life does not guarantee him things like monogamous compatible partner, marriage, kids and even if it did - he doesn't know when he will be prepared for those things.

Time to go listen to the wisdom of the Rolling Stones and remember that I can still steer my ship towards what I need if not always what I want.
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  #26  
Old 10-03-2010, 07:22 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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On the hubby end of things.

Since S withdrew from sexual interactions with him, wanting to just be friends "for a while", they have been in contact more than they ever were prior to relations as just friends. She lives a very compartmentalized life. Her room mate and their dynamic is never exposed to her other associations. There are other associations that she never exposes either. And these are the associations she frets over and complains about to him. He was feeling compelled to see these largely unknown people and their motivations as harmful to S and being Mr. Emotional Tampon.

"So, how do you know the view point you're being offered is not just a one sided story?" was the question I put to him.

I also made sure she wasn't holding back on the physical intimacy till I gave it my blessing and she said she wasn't, she just wasn't interested in dating anyone right now. Well okay, but that was what you said before dating Husband.

When I would stand outside of things and consider what Husband was dealing with from the perspective of one of his friends, I was concerned for him. He is putting in what most people would see as BF duty. The shoulder to cry on when all these invisible people take advantage of her, the go to guy for what she can't see to one her own, Mr. Fix It......well, I see him as the one being taken advantage of by her. No motivation on her end to address his needs; no physical intimacy, and well why not? She doesn't have orgasms (her input here; not a guess) so what would she stand to gain in any reciprocity if all her needs are met freely? Why am I seeing her this way? Is it because I want to see her in a bad light? No.

I grew concerned over this upon meeting the wife of one of S's past poly partners. Apparently, they are now in divorce because her husband was siphoning money and gifts to S out of their mutual account. I'd write this off as malicious gossip if S had not mentioned this guy to me long ago. Her words "I know he wants more from me than I'm ever going to give him but I'm not going to turn down what I can get out of it till he figures it out." Hmmmmm At the time, I had no idea of the external dynamic the guy in question was dealing with and just perceived him as she painted; a lecherous dude trying to buy her affections. She certainly never let it be know he was married, poly or no. Suddenly, the separation of her associations seems clearer.

In talking with Husband, I am not worried abut him putting us in the poor house trying to get out of the friendzone with her. Its just not his style with anyone. And I do think she learned something over it due to what she has shared about life view changes she has made in the last year. So I wasn't warning him about money so much as telling him its in his hands to get what he needs if he is going to continue to know her on this level. I suggested he doesn't just wait for a green light putting all the power in her hands. He saw her in the afternoon yesterday and found her not completely resistant; some kissing ensued. And tentative plans to meet up later which did go well for him. He is now operating with his eyes open concerning her and pleased to see he can have a voice in the course they take. And with us becoming better in discussing these things without getting bogged down in ego and self insertion, I am now at ease with letting him see if there is potential for him with her rather than second guessing him at every turn. I do think she is manipulative, but not necessarily with malignant intent. He will just need to speak up for himself and not let her run him over due to feeling bad about his past mistake. He now realizes that she is quite capable of taking advantage of others if they let her but we both see she doesn't do this with people who won't allow it. Maybe we can all grow out of this? I care about her enough to see what comes of it. Sometimes people just need some expectation placed on them to learn to live up to any.
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  #27  
Old 10-04-2010, 06:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
Sometimes people just need some expectation placed on them to learn to live up to any.
This is all very well, but I have found that I set people up when I don't tell them what those expectations are. And that isn't fair. I find it better to let people know what I expect even if it isn't rational to them. At least we can start talking about what is. She might do better to know what you think and that you expect it to be different now because she has that bit of knowledge about herself. I think it would also be kind to offer her suggestions and ask her how she feels knowing how you feel about it all and what she thinks she could do to make changes that work better for all involved.
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  #28  
Old 10-04-2010, 07:12 AM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
This is all very well, but I have found that I set people up when I don't tell them what those expectations are. And that isn't fair. I find it better to let people know what I expect even if it isn't rational to them. At least we can start talking about what is. She might do better to know what you think and that you expect it to be different now because she has that bit of knowledge about herself. I think it would also be kind to offer her suggestions and ask her how she feels knowing how you feel about it all and what she thinks she could do to make changes that work better for all involved.
I'm not withholding my thoughts or expectations from her. I'm sorry if something I shared gave you that impression. These posts get long enough without putting down the content of all conversations surrounding the moments I share!
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  #29  
Old 10-04-2010, 07:19 AM
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I'm not withholding my thoughts or expectations from her. I'm sorry if something I shared gave you that impression. These posts get long enough without putting down the content of all conversations surrounding the moments I share!
sorry, I didn't think you were necessarily as I don't recall you saying that you had talked to her about it, I was just commenting on the importance of it. And my own experience of that.
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  #30  
Old 10-05-2010, 05:36 AM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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sorry, I didn't think you were necessarily as I don't recall you saying that you had talked to her about it, I was just commenting on the importance of it. And my own experience of that.
Its cool. I do hold some back concerning her in case Husband decides he wants to make his own posts.
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