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  #1  
Old 10-03-2010, 01:51 AM
crazygirl crazygirl is offline
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Unhappy so lost

i have been with my husband for over 15 years. married for 13. i'm bi. we had decided long ago to have an open relationship that has changed as we changed over the years. for a long time, due to mental health reasons i wasn't interested in having another romantic partner. and because of my medications i wasn't much interested in sex either so every now and then he would have a partner and that was fine. it was more of a friend with benefits relationship than a romantic one.

things have changed.

about a year ago a girl i knew in highschool, my - or rather our - first girlfriend, got back in touch with us. i'm much more stable and we really hit it off. the sparks flew and things took off. much to fast i think now that i'm looking back. i really care about her. but i've come to realize that i don't love her. not like i love my husband. furthermore i've decided that this just isn't for me. i don't mind sharing his body. but sharing his heart is killing me.

i didn't come to this lightly. i've had these thoughts and feelings for probably 6 months now and i've made sure to take my time to think things through. with my mental health issues major emotions come and go and i wanted to make sure that this wasn't just a mood. it's not. but now i don't know what to do.

i've talked to my husband. he knows how i feel. but...well, i can't seem to get him to communicate with me. i don't really know what HE wants. from me, from our relationship, or for our future. he says he wants to do what he can to make things easier on me (basically to keep me from freaking out about one thing or another). but earlier i asked him what he would do if i just broke up with her and he said he didnít know.

i understand iím putting him in a terrible position and i feel awful about it butÖ.gods, i just donít know what to do. i know what i want. i want the romantic relationship to be between just me and him. but i also want him to CHOOSE that. is that wrong? i told him i wonít force him or even ask him to break up with her. iím not that kind of person and i refuse to have that kind of relationship. but i also told him that it would probably be really hard on me if he says with her after i break up with her.

i just donít know what to do and i donít have anyone to talk to. iím going to schedule an appointment with my therapist but i donít know when iíll actually be able to get in to see her. i literally donít have any friends. and i feel like he is at worst shutting me out. at best itís like heís trying to pretend itís not happening. i really donít want to hurt anyone. iíve honestly considered trying to fake being in love with her just to keep everyone happy. but i know that wont work. and itís not only not fair to me itís not fair to her. she deserves better.

please, any feedback at all will be greatly appreciated.

~ crazy lost girl
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  #2  
Old 10-03-2010, 03:15 AM
PeaceNerd PeaceNerd is offline
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Wink Advice that's worth every cent I'm charging you

Dear Crazy

I put that title on this post because I only kind of sort of know what I'm talking about. I don't have much polyamorous experience, but I do know some things about people. Your question goes far deeper than just its polyamorous aspects. It works like this: Each relationship with each person is different from every other relationship with someone else. A relationship depends on A and on B, and on their interaction at the moment. If someone IS right for you, they are. If someone isn't right, they aren't. Neither you, your husband, or any other human being is here for your amusement/entertainment.. Nor are you there for theirs. The one rule I believe in is that to be right, a relationship has to be right for EVERYBODY involved. I can give you no definite advice: but listen to your heart. If it feels "icky," it probably is. Do you think your husband would be upset if you told him you don't want a partner you can't love the way you love him? It sounds to me that you might not mind it if he had or took temporary partners. Maybe there's a way you can make this a win-win situation for everybody. Good luck!
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  #3  
Old 10-03-2010, 02:51 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Location: New England USA
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Hi C-girl,

If I might share a couple thoughts..........maybe it can help you get some clarity on what is obviously a confusing point for you.



Quote:
Originally Posted by crazygirl View Post
i really care about her. but i've come to realize that i don't love her. not like i love my husband.
Of course you don't lover her in the way you love your husband ! Nobody loves anyone in 'the way' we love someone else ! That's the nature of love
And what makes it so special.
And keep in mind you don't need this duplication in order to have something very special to all of you. It's actually more beneficial when everyone can understand and appreciate the uniqueness of the connections.
Sit with this awhile and I think it will make sense...........


Quote:
Originally Posted by crazygirl View Post
furthermore i've decided that this just isn't for me. i don't mind sharing his body. but sharing his heart is killing me.
Having some considerable experience in being with someone with periods of serious mental distress I can understand your situation. AND understand the role of being the caregiver. Nobody is an endless well of strength and despite all our heartfelt desire to help our loved one(s) there comes a time we need to refill our own reservoir in order to continue giving that love & support.
And this reservoir lives in the heart. Sharing a heart is not a threat. And trying to imprison one is really cruel, selfish and in many cases unrealistic. Hearts are not known to survive confinement. Set free the tend to grow and encompass everyone with more warmth. And THAT includes YOU !
Think about that if you will............

[QUOTE=crazygirl;47032]i didn't come to this lightly. i've had these thoughts and feelings for probably 6 months now and i've made sure to take my time to think things through. with my mental health issues major emotions come and go and i wanted to make sure that this wasn't just a mood. it's not. but now i don't know what to do.[quote]

Way to go girl. That's admirable. But keep in mind that when you are not in a completely healthy condition, it's easy to miss certain points in your analysis. Likely he has been your pillar of support through this rough period and it's natural to be fearful of that pillar being pulled out. It's human nature - no fault. But like I mentioned above, in order to continue to be support, he needs support too. You've probably heard numerous people say "in order to be in a position to help others we have to support ourselves first".

You care about your GF - apparently he does to. And apparently she cares about you both.
Build on that. Don't let fear & unjustified jealousy distort what you all are trying to accomplish here. And that's to have everyone healthy, happy and in a good place.



Quote:
Originally Posted by crazygirl View Post
i've talked to my husband. he knows how i feel. but...well, i can't seem to get him to communicate with me. i don't really know what HE wants. from me, from our relationship, or for our future. he says he wants to do what he can to make things easier on me (basically to keep me from freaking out about one thing or another). but earlier i asked him what he would do if i just broke up with her and he said he didnít know.
Sweetie, I'm sure he's confused, tired, stressed and just feeling like he's running on half a tank. Communication is probably difficult. A lot of men aren't great on communication to begin with, and when overwhelmed by dealing with a difficult situation are likely to be less so. Probably all he wants right now is some peace and solace. A little nurturing himself. Don't deny him that. He needs it to keep going !


Quote:
Originally Posted by crazygirl View Post
Ö.gods, i just donít know what to do. i know what i want. i want the romantic relationship to be between just me and him. but i also want him to CHOOSE that. is that wrong?
The whole "romantic" thing means different things to different people. And the definition differs widely between the genders. It would seem, from your limited writing, that he's got that (his) 'romantic' connection with you and is fighting tooth & nail to make it survive. Every connection between people - even the so called 'romantic' ones are different. What you have together can't be changed by anyone except yourself. If you want what you have together to remain, and be strong, focus on that and don't be concerned about something different. Apples and pears. Focus on the apple and the pears will take care of themselves.

I know...........easier said than done........but it's worth it in the long run.

Good luck and keep coming back if we can help.

GS
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  #4  
Old 10-03-2010, 02:57 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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One think I like about polyamory is that relationships can be more fluid. You can go from a sexual relationship to friends without benefits if that is the direction it is heading. But it is all about talking about what you want.

Your husband's relationship with your gilrfriend should roughly be independent of your relationship with him. It sounds like you are feeling insecure. Him breaking up with her won't fix that problem, it will just make it easier to ignore. Talk to him about what he likes about you. See why he wants to be with you.

In theory, his relationship with that other woman should not affect his relationship with you. Once you start pushing for a choice, then it will affect both relationships.

It sounds like the root of the problem is communication. Try to work with him to communicate. A marriage counselor can be good at helping here.
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