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Old 10-02-2010, 11:12 AM
sylphia sylphia is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 4
Default Feeling more jealousy over new partner than established one...

Hi all,

So, I think I've got this figured out (the reason why it is happening) but I wanted to see if there was anyone out there who has processed similar feelings...first, a bit of background.

I am a bi female in a relationship with two men. It is the first poly relationship for all of us. One man is an established partner (relationship of about a year), let's call him Oliver; the other man I have been seeing for about 8 weeks, first on a friendship level (that was fraught with sexual tension), and finally on a romantic/sexual level. Let's call the newer guy Aaron.

So, when I first got involved with Oliver, I confessed to him that I thought I might be poly, but I wasn't sure, because I'd never explored it. I was getting out of a marriage where I'd felt belittled and lost my love for my husband, and I quickly fell head over heels for Oliver, who truly is an amazing match for me. In the mad rush of NRE that ensued in the following months, I re-evaluated my original statement about thinking I was poly, and decided that maybe the reason I'd always fallen for more than one person is because I'd been in a series of bad relationships, and *this one* was somehow going to be different, at least in terms of reining in my wandering eye.

Turns out, it WAS different, in that I had for the first time a partner who really loved me, respected me, and treated me like gold. Yet, even without anyone new in mind, as it ALWAYS had since my earliest crushes, I began to have a desire for more. This time, though, instead of cheating, or pining without cheating, I decided to bring up the poly thing I'd mentioned when we first got together, before all the crazy chemicals kicked in. I also stressed the fact that I did NOT want to get into another heavy marriage-like situation quite yet, being so newly divorced, though I saw definite potential for the future.

Around this same time, I started making some new friends, which I needed since I was relatively new to my city. One of them was Aaron.

Aaron and I clicked immediately. The first time I hung out with him, we passed something like 9 hours together, just walking around and talking. We hung out platonically a few times, and one night we ended up kissing. Now, by this point, Oliver and I had done enough discussing the poly thing that he'd conceded that it would be OK for me to kiss someone if I felt like it, and I went with it. Thus began a slow journey of my relationship into relationshipS.

Many, many conversations and situations later (including one where Aaron wanted to stop seeing me because he didn't think he could "do" poly, which has since resolved), I am happily involved in a vee with Oliver, who is open to having another girlfriend but doesn't feel like seeking right now, and who is extremely supportive, loving and communicative, and with Aaron, who is in a relationship with me because he really likes ME, not so big on the poly thing; however, he is a demonstrated and self-confessed incorrigible flirt, and sexy enough that he gets tons of attention from the ladies.

Here's the weird thing:

OK, so when I think about Oliver finding another girlfriend, I feel happy, supportive and proud, like it would be an awesome payoff to him for having worked through all the difficulties we've had over the past few months as we've been figuring this thing out. He feels mono-leaning, but definitely can see the benefits poly will provide for him down the road. As of yet, I haven't been able to muster up even a shred of jealousy in any mental situation I can conjure up. He's talked to a few girls online, and I've only been disappointed when he hasn't really liked any of them very much.

But when it comes to Aaron, that green-eyed monster I'd been so sure I defeated comes roaring back to life. I obsess over Facebook flirtations he has with other women (even when I know it's terribly silly), I have stress dreams about him running off with other women and forsaking me entirely, I even picture him in the back room of his workplace smooching with them when it is unlikely that would happen. It puts a burn on me! He thinks it's funny, since it's me that wants the poly relationship, and he that would prefer me alone. I just think it's maddeningly illogical.

Best I can figure it is that:

a) my emotions toward him are already running so high since I am at that electric-gaze dizzy-headed NRE stage that just makes people want to possess each other


b) since my relationship with him is less secure because it's newer and because he'd prefer a mono relationship (so some mono girl might whisk him away from me), I am feeling that insecurity in the form of jealousy.

I care about him deeply, and obviously I want to keep him around for as long as that's working for all of us, but how do I kill the jealousy when I know it's so silly and completely illogical? Has anyone on here dealt with this sort of thing before? I feel like my head is on straight, but my heart is a fiendish hypocrite...
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