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  #31  
Old 09-06-2010, 06:03 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Sorry, just trying to see things positively. That would be a big step for me and mine if it was possible.

<<hugs>> to you. I hope you get what you want from it.
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  #32  
Old 09-06-2010, 06:20 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Maybe if I was going to live with them on an ongoing basis it would seem like a positive step. Being able to be with them throughout the daily and weekly routine might not make specific "couples time" seem like such a big deal. Time together would just happen as a part of the routine of making meals together, sleeping together on some nights, going to choir with them, etc.

To think that I can remember the time when I first heard about poly from him that the idea of us all living together was a big "NO WAY" on my part. (Although that's what they said they eventually hoped for with the right combination of people and housing situation.)

Last edited by dragonflysky; 09-06-2010 at 06:24 AM.
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  #33  
Old 09-06-2010, 07:52 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Actually I am seeing your situation as a good thing... now near with me as I am sure that my opinion isn't helping at this point but really, it means that they keep their connection while you are there. If you stay there then I would think that it would mean too much too fast. At least the fact that they are busy would mean that you can establish yourself and find a place. I think you need to get out and find yourself a place, your own things to do and your own friends. Their busy life right now means that you will be able to. I think that is awesome. I think that they are making sure that you are taken care of in that way and that is respectful.

Okay, if this continued after you have found your own place, friends etc. then it would be time to negotiate some time balance. Give it some time though and get yourself set up. Just because you are there for a month, doesn't mean that you should be acting like you will be there forever. It's too early for that.

Still, I get that it looks discouraging at the moment. I hope that when you are established with your own place that things look better. It would be helpful to talk with them when you have signed a lease and are ready to move out about creating some time and a schedule. It will come... and it will be a process.
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  #34  
Old 09-06-2010, 10:54 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Thanks RP. I agree that if I were to stay it would be too much, too fast. The thought of living with them on a full time basis as being a "positive step" was more in response to Ariakis' comment about not seeing me in a "secondary" position at this time, but as them "fitting me into their lives" right now. And I don't see it that way. I don't see that they're fitting me in now.

One of my biggest concerns in considering a poly lifestyle was not being able to have the time and attention I'd like with the one I love. And right now that fear is looking me straight in the face. I don't necessarily see myself as taking on an additional partner/lover. I'd most likely be "mono" within the overall poly relationship.

I've been married two times. My former husbands were always my best friend and we enjoyed doing things together, although we had some separate interests and friends. I've struggled with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome at various times in my life and don't have a lot of extra energy reserve when I have down time. I have to choose carefully when it comes to how much I can involve myself with other people and activities outside of work.

I don't know......poly may not be for me. I may be too selfish and needy. The relationship dynamics in terms of what to reasonably expect are so confusing for me. I just know that I don't want to be in a "secondary" relationship position, and he has said in the past that it's not his desire or intent for me to be in a secondary position either.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 09-06-2010 at 11:20 AM.
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  #35  
Old 09-06-2010, 05:00 PM
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D I can totally imagine what that fear would be like. I feel for you, I really do. Very scary. Crossing my fingers for you that this will work out.
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  #36  
Old 09-06-2010, 06:38 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Thanks RP. I appreciate the wisdom and support you share on this forum.
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  #37  
Old 09-08-2010, 08:05 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Well my schedule for moving has been changed a bit. Things were getting too hectic for me in terms of packing and managing everything else I needed to take care of. I didn't know how I was going to get it all done in time. As I shared... with a history of Chronic Fatigue I have to pace myself. Then the moving company called and asked if it was possible to change my move date to 5 days later than planned. With the help of some good friends and a bit of rearranging of my schedule I was able to make it all work!

So, I call our guy up last night to tell him about the changes. This will mean that I get to their place this coming Saturday evening instead of this Thursday evening. He said he was disappointed. I asked why? He said because he'd be working all night Saturday (which I already knew because he had told me that before). It was nice to hear he cared enough to be disappointed. But, I was kind of surprised since they were going to be busy with several people over to their house for their SCA group when I was originally scheduled to arrive Thursday night anyhow. And he'd have to work the next day.

He hasn't always wanted to sleep with me when he has to go to work the next day because he doesn't sleep well when he's in a different bed. And the 3 of us have an agreement that he and I don't sleep together or have sex in their bed. Plus he's made comments to the effect that "You know if we sleep together, we won't be sleeping much." (I guess the temptation to do things other than sleep must sometimes be too strong for him!? I can be quite content to cuddle and sleep. It's not like I "demand" sex every time we're in bed together, although I sure don't turn it down when suggested! )

This is indeed a work in progress....a process.
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  #38  
Old 09-29-2010, 02:54 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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I successfully moved to the area where my couple lives and have been staying in the spare bedroom in their house. Overall, things have been going pretty good! We've had some misunderstandings in terms of balancing out time and attention, but have been able to work through them so far. Our guy basically sleeps with each of us every other night. I sometimes get a few nights in a row as she works a couple of nights a week. They do some activities together that don't involve me. (For example, they're at choir practice tonight.) But it's fine with me because I'm beat getting up at 5:30 am and commuting an hour and a half to work. Also, he and I will often go out to dinner when she's working her night shift.

I haven't felt much jealousy seeing the two of them kiss and hug. It doesn't bother me to think about them sleeping and having sex together. In fact when I go into their bedroom (only by invitation) to kiss him good-bye in the morning, she and I wish each other a good day. I wondered if it would bother me when it was actually happening in the same household. The main thing that upsets me is when I don't feel like I'm getting enough time with our guy. We do some "family" events together and even include her mother at times! When it comes to riding in the car all together, she and I informally take turns riding in the front seat next to him.

We're open with our relationship in terms of people coming into their home. We don't flaunt it, but don't hold back on kissing each other when we get home from work or holding hands if we feel like it. I also found out he has ADHD which helps explain some of his lack of focus and his forgetfulness particularly when he's feeling tired and overwhelmed from his job.

He's gotten fresh flower arrangements for each of us each week!! They're different to match our differing personalities. He's been far more attentive since I moved here. He will often call and leave me a voicemail during the work day "just because". (The voice mail is often him singing a cute little song he's made up for me on the spur of the moment...awwwww.)

We've discussed what my role is with her 8 year old son in terms of supervision and/or "discipline". I didn't want to over step my bounds, but want to help however I can. Basically if I see her son doing something I am pretty certain his mom and our guy wouldn't approve of I'll say something like "Is that something your mom and _____ (our guy) would approve of?" Usually he'll say "No". If he pushes it, I then suggest we talk with them about it when they're available. He typically toes the line at that point in time! LOL

Some changes will be happening in a few weeks as I move into my own place. It's near where I work. Since it's over an hour from their place it won't be very convenient to see one another throughout the week. I admit to having some concerns about it because I've come to LOVE the day to day time we've been able to spend together as a couple and as a family....as well as the nights he and I spend together! Guess we'll just take it as it comes.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 09-29-2010 at 03:21 AM.
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