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  #21  
Old 09-27-2010, 10:28 PM
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Why not pitch in to the talk.

I have similar issues-not identical, but similar.

I don't really care if people swing or not.

BUT-it REALLY bothers me when people who do swing try to "sell" it to me.

I was a player (not a swinger, a player).
I had open relationships.
I had fuck buddies.

I went through a time of thinking all men were scum out to use me, so I was going to get revenge for all of "womankind" and fuck over as many guys as possible.

I went through a stage of dating only a woman and thinking I'd never be with a man again.

I went through years of identifying (as noted in previous posts HERE) as bisexual because there is no way to deny that I was MADLY in love with a woman and remain madly in love with who she was when I knew her (I no longer know where she is or who she is).

But-who I am today-isn't naive about the concept of swinging. It's just that I know ME well enough now to know that I don't EVER, EVER want to participate in a sexual act with ANYONE ever again that isn't also an emotional involvement on a permanent basis.

It's not a matter of "we're a couple forever". It's a matter of WE ARE DEVOTED TO OUR RELATIONSHIP FOREVER in whatever format or dynamic it takes. Otherwise-I don't want to share my sexual energy, or whatever you call it with them.

I'm NOT saying all people who swing are pushy. I can say however that thus far in my life the people who I've known who swing-were determined to "win me over" and that makes me NUTS.

Not to mention leaves a very bad taste in my mouth.
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  #22  
Old 09-28-2010, 12:38 AM
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It taught me that saying "yes" meant I was a slut and that I should shut off from my body and saying "no" meant that I should feel guilty or prudish and sex negative. Neither absolute was helpful so I felt trapped.
I don't think "helpful" was quite the word I meant here, but I wrote it quick, knowing I would change stuff later.

neither "yes," or "no" was what I wanted FOR ME. I don't think I know what I want for me to this day. I think I say "no" when I need to with my partners but still feel guilt. I think I say "yes" when I want to also, and don't feel like a slut anymore, because I only say "yes" to people who love me and are my partners. I still need to think about it and process when I am on the verge of no though...

Like swingers, I want to be able to really KNOW when I have crossed over from one to the other and why. I think then is when I will be healed. Very close to getting there I think.

Swingers really seem to have this all together in my mind. not that I would ever swing again, but I have learned from the swingers I know all these "yes" "no" things that I now am working on for myself.

I think it should of been a "yes" means "yes" message sent to young girls rather than "no" means "no" far more empowering. only if there is some discussion around it that is.

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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
The swing scene is just very focused...sex. Without sex, there would be no swinging
Mono, I think SJ said above that she hung out with her swinger friends as friends.... not just for sex. They would hang out regardless of sex. Maybe they were not swinging at BBQs with the kiddies, but they still said they were in the lifestyle. So,,,, just so you know, it isn't always focused on sex....

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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I don't really care if people swing or not.

BUT-it REALLY bothers me when people who do swing try to "sell" it to me.
I haven't had this experience in a long time since I became so set that I am poly by my own description. I have had more interest in poly, when I talk about poly with swingers, than them telling me i should come and swing with them. I did from a local woman that thought I might enjoy the swinging women's group, but that is it.

It seems to me there is a cross over for some poly people whereby they swing (ish) and are poly... again, recreation? i dunno, I don't get it and am not really "in" on what goes on, probably because people know I'm not interested and can blow up about it due to my own shit ,,,, sooooo, ya, don't know much about how that works. Just saying it exists and recruiting in terms of letting others know the option exists in terms of offering sex positive experiences.

Sex positive is really about ones own version of their sexuality to me. Trouble is it has to involve others, so, that means that people still have to communicate in someway and get involved with each other, and therefore have something more than a fuck, so, ya, again... struggling, and don't get the appeal. At least I don't get all passionate about not getting it anymore, maybe that is all I can hope for?
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  #23  
Old 09-28-2010, 01:30 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

Mono, I think SJ said above that she hung out with her swinger friends as friends.... not just for sex. They would hang out regardless of sex. Maybe they were not swinging at BBQs with the kiddies, but they still said they were in the lifestyle. So,,,, just so you know, it isn't always focused on sex....



We were friends. Real ones. There for each other. We more often then not, got together for non-sexual activities. In fact, the one woman and I, loved each other. We were just young, and polyamory= polygamy to our ignorant mindset back then.

'Swinging' seemed like a more acceptable term.

'Closed swinging' is how we dubbed ourselves.

We were not at a point, where any of us felt comfortable talking about 'feelings'. That was bad ! bad ! bad !
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  #24  
Old 09-28-2010, 07:04 AM
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Gulp! I am agreeing with Mono on this. And I have been very judgemental- even on someone I love with all of my heart and his SO. Not a great thing for a very fragile relationship. I am trying to be accepting but I just can't get over the ick factor of it. I am apologizing for my disdain but not only am I sure even my adventurous side wouldn't like it, I am having a hard time being open about it. I am really trying to accept that my bf enjoys it. Mon- sharing your energy with someone who is interested in sharing their energy with swingers is still hard for me. But I am giving into it...no more boundary for them. God help me! Is it hypocritical to be polyamorous and not have any respect for the culture of swinging? I hate feeling that maybe I am hypocritical on this subject.
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  #25  
Old 09-28-2010, 07:35 AM
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I watched a documentary tonight on the history of drug use and the opening line in the intro was something about people, by nature, finding ways to heighten their sense of thrill and excitment; therefore they will seek activities out to do so. Some take drugs, some drink, some skydive, but people are all alike in that they do it for a thrill. Of course with drugs and alcohol there can be addiction issues, but hopefully the point is made.

I thought of this thread in terms of this idea; people swing for a thrill perhaps. At least that is why I did. Its human nature to find a thrill and push oneself to do it. Maybe this is what swingers do. I think that might be a big difference between poly and mono and swinging... There is a thrill in the nre stage when we throw all caution to the wind and live in the thrill, but really when it all settles in, there is no thrill, just life and normal every day stuff. Swinging doesn't involve any of that.
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  #26  
Old 09-28-2010, 11:48 AM
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"Throw caution to the wind" is probably not accurate, but I would agree that thrill seeking is the goal of swinging. And I believe that's why many of us burn out of it. "Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt. Thanks."
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  #27  
Old 09-28-2010, 11:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
Gulp! I am agreeing with Mono on this. And I have been very judgemental- even on someone I love with all of my heart and his SO. Not a great thing for a very fragile relationship. I am trying to be accepting but I just can't get over the ick factor of it. I am apologizing for my disdain but not only am I sure even my adventurous side wouldn't like it, I am having a hard time being open about it. I am really trying to accept that my bf enjoys it. Mon- sharing your energy with someone who is interested in sharing their energy with swingers is still hard for me. But I am giving into it...no more boundary for them. God help me! Is it hypocritical to be polyamorous and not have any respect for the culture of swinging? I hate feeling that maybe I am hypocritical on this subject.
I don't think its hypocritical but I do think you are looking at this from only your angle. It can be slightly judgmental though. You are missing out on the other side. I am not great with purely casual sex. But some people enjoy it. Some people miss the dating and newness of a new person. There is something to be said for variety. I can see the appeal in swinging for this. That pure physical connection with someone.

I have many friends who enjoy sex for sex. They do not have the need for an emotional connection (and yes, women too ftr)...they don't go to swinging parties but I bet they would enjoy it if they could get past the stigma of it.

Sport sex isn't for everyone, but I don't judge those that still like it ...
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  #28  
Old 09-29-2010, 05:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I don't think its hypocritical but I do think you are looking at this from only your angle. It can be slightly judgmental though. You are missing out on the other side. I am not great with purely casual sex. But some people enjoy it. Some people miss the dating and newness of a new person. There is something to be said for variety. I can see the appeal in swinging for this. That pure physical connection with someone.

I have many friends who enjoy sex for sex. They do not have the need for an emotional connection (and yes, women too ftr)...they don't go to swinging parties but I bet they would enjoy it if they could get past the stigma of it.

Sport sex isn't for everyone, but I don't judge those that still like it ...
You are right...I know you are right. I just can't "feel" that you are right. I need to learn to detatch sex from love. Workin on it. Being that I am a sport enthusiast, RPs comparison is helping. Once you feel it is a sport, can it go back to being real intimacy? I mean once you and your partner swing for recreational sex, does it go back to being special? Curious because this is my fear aside from the STD thing.
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  #29  
Old 09-29-2010, 06:09 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
You are right...I know you are right. I just can't "feel" that you are right. I need to learn to detatch sex from love. Workin on it. Being that I am a sport enthusiast, RPs comparison is helping. Once you feel it is a sport, can it go back to being real intimacy? I mean once you and your partner swing for recreational sex, does it go back to being special? Curious because this is my fear aside from the STD thing.
I think its more a seflish thing. This isn't bad. But recreational sex isn't about the other person, its about you. I don't know many swingers, and please someone correct me, who are in it for making others feel special. They are in it for other reasons.

As to your question about being special vs being recreational...I can fuck pengrah and I can make love to her. I can do the same with SJ. I don't have a problem morphing between the two. I have never had a problem having kinky fun casual sex and going back to being a lover. There is something always infinitely more special about making love...but it is very different than a casual romp
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  #30  
Old 09-29-2010, 06:22 PM
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I have known swingers to try and make me feel special. Now I am realizing it was false and all because they wanted to fuck me. I don't know if it was lies, but I don't trust men now when they complement me. It goes back to my thinking its a pathetic attempt to get laid and not that they admire me. We talked about it once before on here. I said I find men like that pathetic and got some shit from people for saying so.

It goes back to only fucking and making love to those I love and I know love me. That way no confusion and no damage. I got very confused before and thought all men loved me. not true but swinging can cause that illusion it turns out.
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