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  #41  
Old 09-27-2010, 06:01 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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We're not big on co-dependency, but regardless, I can't imagine my life without her.
This is the most beautifully put description of polyamory- poly at its best. A trusting love without worry, jealousy or forced obligation- free to be and love as needed.
I hope your day is better. You both deserve it. Thank you as always in showing the ongoing evolution of your polyworld- warts and all! Lovely.
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  #42  
Old 10-13-2010, 08:55 PM
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Exclamation First, a public service announcement...

My wife is denying that I’m in the puppy house for talking about her in the last few posts...but I know better. She doesn’t like me talking about her...or ...at all....sometimes. Probably because I know her way too well.

That and because in the last couple posts were written very intentionally to try and convey a certain amount of frustration, disappointment, or annoyance that I felt at the time. It was also left ambiguous as to where those feelings were directed...my wife, or the situation, myself, the fates, phase of the moon, the prospective paramores? They all had their turn at one time or another. And it often didn’t matter if they deserved it or not.
It was intentional because that was my experience, so if it evoked similar emotions to those who have read it...and the confusion and randomness of where those emotions were directed, then my design was successful in giving you a glimpse of my experience. I think my wife had similar reactions to my frustrations at that time too...and if they’re coming up again, it probably worked. And if it seemed like a repeat from your own experience...then you will know I’ve been to a similar place.
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Originally Posted by Indigomontoya View Post
it's consolatory that I was not the only one grappling with some of these rather specific problems. Mind you I think we just fulfilled the the purpose of this board by saying that.
My wife being slightly paranoid... :P naturally read most of the frustrations and annoyance as stuff that was directed at her. Which it wasn’t then...most of the time...and isn’t now....usually.
Yes, at this point I’m half serious, and half jesting at her expense quite purposefully because it makes for better make up sex later when we finally see each other again. A little teasing has it’s rewards....even if it’s one of those things I do that drives her nuts.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who in the haze of half formed thoughts and intense emotions has found themselves laying the blame on others who may not deserve it. For taking my frustrations out on someone else who is involved, or in proximity, but not the cause. For taking the anger from a nebulous situation or circumstance, and transferring it to something a little more tangible, like a person...a loved one. Or even just reacting at the fact that no matter how well thought out own logic seems to be, it’s just not meshing up with theirs, in ways that may take a while to reconcile, if at all. They’re still another person, who will think and do as they damn well please...the only person we can really control is ourselves, ...and sometimes there’s a piss poor job done of that too...and all the more infuriating since there’s no one else we can pass the buck to either. Any of this sound familiar?
In trying to relate the emotional state at the time, I can only hope the ends justify the means. And I do want to apologize to my dear if it sounds inflammatory or that she would be in any way to blame. It’s simply not the case. We were partners working through our shit as best we could. What more could I ever ask of her, or myself? No one is perfect...not my wife, and certainly not I....just like not everyone is totally awesome...least of all me. But she is.

Some people on this forum have met my wife...some will meet her sooner or later. And some will only know her through the words I put down here. But I want to be clear who I’m talking about...the woman I married...whom I love dearly second to none...my wife...as I know and understand her.
You won’t know her like this...not as I do. IRL or online. And no matter how I skilled I could pretend to be at writing (and unfortunately for everyone in this case....I was a science major), I’ll never be able to give you more than the briefest glimpse into my love and adoration for this woman since it’s something that can only be experienced, not explained. I think it’s only really possible for my metamore(s) to come close...given enough time...and I certainly hope they have that chance.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled ramblings.
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  #43  
Old 10-13-2010, 08:56 PM
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Arrow Preamble...like I haven't done that enough.

This is going to be woefully inadequate. No matter what, I only have 10000 characters. It’s a nigh impossible task to sum up anyone really in that amount...never mind someone as awesome as my wife. As it is I'll have to split the beginning and endy parts out of the main body for length.

Ok...maybe I could in two words....She Rawks! Of course that’s not going to tell you much, is it?!
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  #44  
Old 10-13-2010, 08:56 PM
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Thumbs up Let me tell you about my wife...

My wife is simply gorgeous. She frets sometimes about not wearing makeup and such very often, but she doesn’t need it. She’s just the right about of short for me, she’s fit, toned, with long legs, a nice ass, and a generous rack...I was more about the legs and ass before I met her, and now I'm about all three. She’s got yummy lips, lovely smooth skin, and gorgeous blue eyes that turn green on ...um...certain occasions. Gotta love’em.


She wears a lot of hats. She’s an awesome mother, a dedicated career woman, and an athlete. Seriously about the hats though, she looks cute in baseball caps when she’s trying to hide her hair some mornings, and she has a collection of Sunday Best kind of hats that occasionally come out for special occasions. Being born to English parents, she’s one of the few people I’ve met where it actually suits her...must be a British thing.

She’s thoughtful, caring, and often self-less to a fault. She puts in so much effort into other people that she sometimes forgets to take care of herself. This occasionally gets us in trouble since I’m usually the one to try and keep her from overdoing it, or pick up the pieces when she does it anyways...but that’s hard to do when I’m not around.


She’s educated, not afraid of doing her own research, and extraordinarily intelligent. She fails to see it much...such is her modesty I guess....but that’s also I think from the fact that she’s from a grossly over-educated family where she’s the only one without a masters or PhD. Not that she couldn’t...just that she hasn’t...which is the difference I would draw. Our professional lives are quite separate, in that neither of us ever has much opportunity to see the other in action. I don’t think either of us has a great idea of what the other actually does with our day. I know she’s only seen the surface of mine, and what I tell her about is usually the few good or fun times I’m having, so she tends to think that I’m out gallivanting around the world being jolly, when the reality is far from it....but as I said, she spends too much time trying to take care of others, so I try not to go on to much about the hard times at work.

Similarly I have no idea what she does at work. When I get home from work I can see how much she’s been online during the day...and she tells me what the latest issues are at work, and what’s bothering her this week, etc. Usually dinner conversation stuff I suppose. But I really have no idea.

But there was something I noticed the last couple times I visited her office. I remember visiting it when she first took over the job, and the uncertainty she had about whether she’d be able to fill a new and unfamiliar roll from what she had done earlier at the hospitals. Some years later, things have changed considerably. She’s been doing the job, and she’s good at it...her last boss had nothing but glowing compliments about her. While she only fills in a supervisory role occasionally, and is generally not comfortable with it because it sometimes requires holding people responsible for their jobs. My job deals a lot with looking at how to lead people better, and she’s an excellent example that I’d love to learn more from. She’s organized, motivated, self-starting, not a fan of BS, and not afraid to get on the phone and arrange stuff that needs to be done. (I’m not a big fan of the phone) She doesn’t have an answer, she’ll go out and find it. She’s in charge. And I love her for it.


She’s very independent...or at least can be. I’ve known Cling-ons in the past, and saw what their bf’s had to put up with. I knew that kind of relationship would never work for me. As I think I’ve mentioned elsewhere, neither of us were big on the idea of co-dependency, and we have a hard time trying to ignore it in others. It’s been a definite bonus in recent years when I have to leave her to fend for herself and the kids for months at a time, but it was always good to know that she could take care of herself...and occasionally me when needed. I know from experience that even if I’m lying on the floor crippled by pain to the point of being unable to talk, that my wife is the sort who can calmly put me in clothes, help me to the car and get me to the hospital. I love her for that too.


Now she’s human, and not entirely perfect...like all of us, she has her flaws (here I go, back to the puppy house). She’s sometimes overly competitive, can be slightly passive aggressive, and occasionally about as hypocritical as I am. She’ll be one of the first to tell me to get help for something, but she’ll try to stay independent and work through things solo far longer than she needs to before she seeks assistance. She’s usually way too critical of herself. She’s got some daddy issues (who doesn’t) and ex-bf baggage (ditto), and a very special brand of logic that sometimes I think I’m not ever intended to understand (chalk it up to a woman thing ) And she doesn’t have a very good filter...which tends to fall off entirely with a little bit of booze. Ok, maybe that’s not so much a flaw in my world...I like her that way sometimes, open and brutally honest....although it can be awkward at parties...especially work parties. She doesn’t listen to me...even when she should...but that’s ok, since I don’t listen to her either....even when I should. She does numerous little things that drive me nuts...but that’s ok too...I drive her nuts too. What can I say...we’re married.


Is that it? Not hardly...but really none of it matters. It’s part of the package, and her flaws pale in a truly unimpressive fashion when considered alongside her attributes....and I’m not just talking about huge, ...um, ...tracks of land...either. Yeah, she’s a bit of a liberal, married to a conservative ...but she stands her ground, as she should.

She’s hot, sexy, a vixen, very well matched for me, and still makes my toes curl. Almost 2 decades together and all I can ever figure is practice makes for great sex. There’s been some developments lately that will need exploring, but I can’t imagine how that will be anything but fun. She also makes really good babies...and is an awesome mother to the children...they love her to death...possibly literally if they keep climbing and jumping on her in ten years like they do now.

She has her own hobbies now, but has taken the time to join me in some of mine. She’s awesome, a very unconventional gamer. She didn’t get into it until university...so she’s not a slave to convention. She doesn’t just sit around for the monsters to get her...and she doesn’t automatically jump up to defend the rest of the party...no, she jumps out the 2nd floor window and runs away! It’s awesome. She’s a vicious backstabbing Munchkin player too!...and wins those games far more often than I’d like.


Such is my wife...I’ve known her almost half my life, and over half of hers, yet she still does the unexpected. Sometimes to my chagrin....usually to my happy surprise....or at least surprise. Possibly this if off-putting to me since we’ve been deeply attuned to each other for years. It’s not the light superficial cutsie version that basking NRE kids have, of just finishing each others sentences. No, we vocalize each other’s thoughts, entirely...before the other has evened opened their mouth. We often can tell what the other is thinking with just a look...we know all each others ideas. Ok, not entirely all ideas...hence the occasional surprises. And we fight good...always have. Both of us can drive each other to the brink, but no matter how hurt or tearful the conversation, we always know it’s out of love for one another. We have our words, our processing, and eventually we work things out in the end. There’s never been any violence..which is good because she can kick my ass (or ribs in one particular case), but there is makeup sex... Who wouldn’t love that??


I’ve mentioned elsewhere how I suddenly found my wife talking in a very poly manner at a gathering a couple months ago, where I said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
My wife and I were at a dinner party the other night with some other poly peeps in the area.
It was a reflection on how things change, and how far we’ve come in the journey so far. In the last couple months I haven’t been able to see my metamore much, and my wife hasn’t had much time with her either. It’s possible they may be coming up on some challenges they may have to work out in their own relationship. And now that I should have some time at home and my gf is in town, we’ll have to figure out how to arrange all the schedules to try and get some precious time with our respective lovers. And if it wasn’t busy enough, there’s another girl, Vee, in a nearby town that I’ve been trying to get to know better for a while.

My wife has been awesome through all of this. She was supportive from the beginning with Vee, apparently picking up on the connection with her before I did. And while she has had struggles at various points with my gf, she’s finding her way there as well...certainly no slouch in trying to make things work out for the better.

But mostly lately, I’ve been noticing how my wife interacts with her own gf. Even going so far as to call me up to chew me out for doing something which upset my metamore. At the same time she tried to be apologetic... sooo Canadian. ...but as far as I was concerned it was a good thing. I’ve seen how pissed off she’s gotten at people who’ve done things to upset me...to see her leap to the defence of another, and against me was actually gratifying. It reinforced to me how deeply she cares for her gf, and how much she loves her. It’s beyond cute text messages and symptomatic NRE, and seems to be building into something far more substantial for my wife. She’s a force to be reckoned with...and it warms my heart immensely to see it.
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  #45  
Old 10-13-2010, 08:58 PM
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Wink Epilogue

No matter what I might say anywhere on the board, or anywhere else, no matter how much I may be frustrated by something during a given moment, or at a situation, there is never any doubt about one thing. I love my wife, forever, always, fully, completely, and think the world of her.

She deserves all the love she gets and more, from me, the family, and her gf...friends, and metamores.

She still Rawks.
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  #46  
Old 10-13-2010, 09:23 PM
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Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
No matter what I might say anywhere on the board, or anywhere else, no matter how much I may be frustrated by something during a given moment, or at a situation, there is never any doubt about one thing. I love my wife, forever, always, fully, completely, and think the world of her.

She deserves all the love she gets and more, from me, the family, and her gf...friends, and metamores.

She still Rawks.
Agreed!
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Old 10-14-2010, 10:35 PM
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Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
No matter what I might say anywhere on the board, or anywhere else, no matter how much I may be frustrated by something during a given moment, or at a situation, there is never any doubt about one thing. I love my wife, forever, always, fully, completely, and think the world of her.

She deserves all the love she gets and more, from me, the family, and her gf...friends, and metamores.

She still Rawks.
I-squared....these are great words. She is lucky to have you! YOU BOTH deserve it all....and more.

And who knew that scientists could be such eloquent and articulate writers!

Besides me....

P2
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Old 01-20-2011, 12:51 AM
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This has been the most incredible read! You have such passion in your writing and clearly such passion for your wife. It's all very inspiring. Thank you for sharing all this with us!
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Old 01-20-2011, 01:10 AM
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Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
It reinforced to me how deeply she cares for her gf, and how much she loves her. It’s beyond cute text messages and symptomatic NRE, and seems to be building into something far more substantial for my wife. She’s a force to be reckoned with...and it warms my heart immensely to see it.
Nicely said my friend
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Old 02-05-2011, 08:05 AM
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Default Finding information, people, and resources…Pt 1

When we last left our heroes, (ok..stop laughing, I know that’s way beyond exaggeration) there was a lot of processing, and not a lot of action, which was fine for a while. This episode won’t be much different as I figured I’d take a moment to touch on the other things that I was doing to get better acquainted with the poly world. People I met, books I bought (though not always read), and places I’d go to find answers, or get a heads up on the questions that I’d have to answer. There’s no real chronology to these, as many of the events overlapped or coincided with others, or happened in previous or later chapters of the journey.


Books

Yeah, I picked up the Ethical Slut, and actually read it. I bought Opening Up at the same time…didn’t read that one yet. It’s one of the possibly hundreds of books I’ve bought with every intention of reading…but the problem with me and books is the same as so many other things I’d like to do but can’t…no time.


I’m not sure there was anything that was a groundbreaking revelation in these books…but that’s also probably because I was already heavy into research mode before I even got to the pulp resources, so many of the points I would have already found online or in discussion. The advantage that pulp has over online though, is that books are generally more focused toward a particular topic, and take considerable time to explain their arguments in some detail, and also (again generally) have some research or viable proof backing them up in the editorial/publishing process…at least if it’s going to be taken in any way seriously in the non-fiction sections. This is of course relative mainly to the online world where any idiot can publish whatever crap they want and call it a blog. (Like this one for example. )

I did find it very useful though to gain some common terminology and analogies both for discussing ideas with other poly’s, and also to be able to explain it to those outside the poly realm.

I think it reinforced that what would otherwise be deemed as deviant sexual behaviours could in fact be very much normalized…just that it would require an adjustment in thinking by the people around us…if not the larger society, then perhaps at least the people we choose to keep around us as company. It may also be partially attributable to my having hung around a very libertarian crowd at certain times of my life, where the ideas of moral absolutes based on ideological dogma and societal tradition had already fallen by the wayside. Maybe Ethical Slut just put the permission in black and white print, that it was ok. It was ok to leave those by the wayside; it was ok to find one’s own way. It was ok, to want something we’d been programmed not to.

Most importantly I think, it moved the ethical question away from realm of the act or desires themselves, and instead placed it in the context of our relationships with others. It’s a powerful distinction that I think too few people in the main stream actually realize. This little bit will take some more reflection…and I’ll have to come back to this in a later post.


For something completely different, I’d suggest This is your Brain on Music by Daniel Levitin. It has absolutely nothing in it about poly, but a lot about how the brain works…and I actually found that lent me a much better understanding about how people work. Drawing on parallels between how we think about music, I have found that it helped me understand both myself and others. It tends to really strike a chord with me anytime discussions like labels comes up.


Online Reading

Most of the material I found online for research would be familiar to most others who’ve been around here a while. Poly Manner, the Misanthrope, Xeromag, I think were all on the early hitlist. Of course they’re all forms of personal commentary, so I don’t treat any of them as gospel, but run them through my own bs filters (mandatory for anything I find online), give them a dose of common sense. I strip out what makes sense, what might be worth trying out, or looking out for, and what can be discarded as nonsense, or at least not applicable to my situation.

I do this for a lot of things...and particularly when sorting though so many different sources, to sort out something as variable as human relations. It’s not entirely dislike putting together house rules for gaming, There’s a lot of good stuff out there, and a lot of crap that won’t work in the game being played, or the group that’s being played with. It requires careful customization, and sometimes experimentation to find what works and what doesn’t.
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