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  #11  
Old 09-27-2010, 05:06 PM
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I thought about this some more and it is definitely not wanting to share sexual energy with other people or feel there's as well. How could I do that in a room full of horny swingers
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  #12  
Old 09-27-2010, 05:56 PM
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The idea of swinging/casual sex brings up bad emotions/anxiety, as it pertains to me. I think it might stem from an incident when I was 18. It was overall pretty innocent and mild, just a lot of making out, but it was with a stranger and the next day I freaked out with what I had allowed myself to do so easily (not even any alcohol in sight). The guy was nice and called me a few days later and wanted to go out, we did and just I wasnít that into him, so now I was freaked out and feeling guilty for leading him on. To this day I canít go back to the place this took place, just driving by it give me bad vibes. Now is it reminders of incident that gets to me, the whole idea of casual intimacies or the fact that I know I am capable of casual when I donít think I should be?

I donít have a problem with other people who do it, just donít ask me to join in.
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  #13  
Old 09-27-2010, 06:35 PM
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Having been to some swingers events at the beginning of our journey towards poly (we very quickly realized that we weren't swingers) I did feel that it was a very predatory environment. I'm not interested in been leered at by men that see me as little more than a body. Also it's a little disturbing that swingers groups tend to accept single women but keep single men out.

Looks like there's all kinds of judgment about swingers between the 2 of us Mono. Not everyone at swingers events are the same way but there is a most definite vibe and culture that doesn't sit well with me. (who knows maybe events elsewhere are full of respect, that just wasn't my experience here).
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Old 09-27-2010, 06:42 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quite often, nude resorts and campgrounds are frequented by folks who are also into the "lifestyle". I've had my share of people assuming that I too am there to get freaky with other couples. The places I like to go actively discourage this cruising.
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  #15  
Old 09-27-2010, 06:49 PM
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I find it ironic that just as I am coming to a place of acceptance and even understanding about all this Mono, you are going through some stuff. We shall go through it together. I'm so glad you are feeling trusting enough to bring it up here.

As a product of a generation where there was no talk of sexual boundaries and "no" meaning "no," I can say with confidence that I got fucked up.

I've talked about this over and over on various theads, and processed it all out on this forum far more than anything to do with poly, but basically my thoughts are that for me swinging triggers for these above reasons. It reminds me of situations where saying "yes" was easier than saying "no," because I didn't want to feel guilty for enjoying a kiss or flirting. The "no means no" generation never talked about what it meant to say "yes." It taught me that saying "yes" meant I was a slut and that I should shut off from my body and saying "no" meant that I should feel guilty or prudish and sex negative. Neither absolute was helpful so I felt trapped.
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Old 09-27-2010, 07:58 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It reminds me of situations where saying "yes" was easier than saying "no," because I didn't want to feel guilty for enjoying a kiss or flirting. The "no means no" generation never talked about what it meant to say "yes." It taught me that saying "yes" meant I was a slut and that I should shut off from my body and saying "no" meant that I should feel guilty or prudish and sex negative. Neither absolute was helpful so I felt trapped.
I went through this exact same thing with anal sex. I thought that saying "no" would make me "uptight" and a "prude". ON one hand, I'm glad I tried it because I know for certain that it is not "my thing". On the other hand, the only reason I DID try it was so that I could tell people who want to stick things up my ass, "been there done that got the T-shirt". Now, I no longer feel the need to prove to the world how "not-uptight" I am. I do not want any "advice" from people about how to relax, use lots of lube, try carrots and butt-plugs, etc. I remember telling my husband (then boyfriend) that if he tries to enter my ass in any way, I will get up and put my pants on.

However, I don't project this mentality onto other people and suggest that anyone who does enjoy anal penetration must be trying to "prove" something out of a sense of inadequacy or low self-esteem. I don't think there is anything "unnatural" or "dirty" about it, although if I happen to do someone else up the ass, I reserve the right to wash my hand immediately afterward.
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  #17  
Old 09-27-2010, 08:38 PM
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Wow, great discussion and everyone is bringing to light points for me to consider. It's nice to know both sides of the swinger experience as it creates balance in my perception.

Obviously I won't be going to anything with deep swinger overtones or populations to avoid unnecessary triggers....what would be the point? But everything talked about here will help me understand and interact with those I meet and know already in the very diverse community of people I consider friends.
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  #18  
Old 09-27-2010, 09:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Maybe this is about my sense that swinger men are predatory and never come out of the headspace of looking for the next woman to screw.
Hey Mono, when I was younger I had basically the above option of ALL straight men. I put a smiley there because now it makes me laugh, I don't feel that way anymore. I think there are definitely some men (and women!) who put their own sexual satisfaction above most anything else, including their partner's physical and emotional safety. But I think these people are present in all communities: swinger, non-swinger, etc.
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  #19  
Old 09-27-2010, 09:26 PM
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But I think these people are present in all communities: swinger, non-swinger, etc.
I agree there are predators everywhere for sure. The swing scene is just very focused...sex. Without sex, there would be no swinging and so it has the preceptin of creating a potentially manipulative environment to achieve that sex or a sense that anyone who associates with swingers is fair game. I totally get that this is in my head though. It's a biased opinion based on ignorance.
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  #20  
Old 09-27-2010, 10:27 PM
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The swinger says sex is not love, and that sex outside of a loving relationship cannot harm the loving relationship. The polyamorist says one can have more than one love, and that love for one does not detract from love for another. Some can hold both views simultaneously. Whichever view is held, both fall outside of what society deems "morally acceptable." Both views are judged by society to be "wrong."

Some swingers argue that love and swinging should never mix. Some polyamorists argue that sex should only occur within the context of a loving relationship. These are also, of course, judgments. The fact that you are a swinger or a polyamorist does not prevent you from making them. We all make them. How you choose to let those judgments rule the way you treat and view others is entirely up to you.
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