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  #21  
Old 09-26-2010, 12:58 AM
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Educate yourself about what it is to be a mono in a poly relationship. While no relationship is exactly the same most monos experience many of the same diffculties. You mentioned some of them yourself (jealousy, envy etc.) and in the link below 11 Do's and Don'ts, I bring up things that most women would never dream that they would have deal with in an otherwise healthy relationship.

Re: Examine yourself. You plough through all the extraneous shit and find what is really important. For me it was having a committed, beautiful, deep and meaningful relationship that kept me growing. Z being poly doesn't exclude any of those things in reality. Let's say I was a born- again Christian who saw polyamory as fundamentally wrong (not all Christians are in this category but some are).Then polyamory would never be truly compatible.

Well by that final definition of yours I would say that I am well and truly over the line.
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  #22  
Old 09-26-2010, 01:56 PM
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Originally Posted by phoenix762 View Post
I really hope I'm not pulling this off topic...
I usually lurk because I am not poly, but am curious about it, so usually, I really don't have anything to add.
That being said, you were wondering if a woman who was only exposed to a mono lifestyle (this would be me) -if presented with an option to be a poly relationship (I have not, but for the sake of this conversation, let's say I have) decided to accept the poly nature of said relationship NOT because of infatuation with said man, but b/c I have rationally thought it out beforehand.

Yep, I sure would.
See, here's my take on it.

I would love to have a relationship with someone whom I would NOT have to devote a lot of time to, well, because I tend to be a loner, and I have pissed off TWO husbands who don't understand that I like to spend a lot of time alone not b/c I don't like THEM, but b/c I am just a loner by nature.

Hey - thanks Phoenix !

This is great. Glad you decided to move out of the lurkers corner

So maybe you have shared something important with us. It seem, at least in your case, a strong sense of independence (as contrasted to dependence?) has given you the right situation to consider things with an open mind. You're not necessarily looking to get into a relationship that follows what most might consider 'convention'. You're also honest with yourself about not bringing to the table what maybe a majority might be expecting. (you mentioned a lot of sex and time in this category).

So it makes me wonder if there's otherwise some internal conflicts with many others. I think everyone has a desire to have (and embrace) at least a certain amount of independence - even in the framework of a relationship. But yet, particularly in a mono relationship, it's customary to give up a certain amount (in some cases a lot) of that independence.

Now it seems that for anyone who places considerable value on independence, at least weighing the options of poly would make sense ?
But that doesn't seem to happen.............i.e. the point of this thread.

Nice to hear from your perspective ! Thanks again.

GS
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  #23  
Old 09-26-2010, 05:23 PM
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Would he happily, actively seek out another poly relationship knowing what he knows about them (if anything happened to RP of course)?
I'll answer this seeing as it pertains to me. Keep in mind I love Redpepper with a level of self awareness and trust that no one else in my life has shared. I fully believe that she is getting the best and most sustainable love I have to offer.

If something happened that ended the intimate aspect of my relationship with Redpepper, I would be left with a large body of diverse and accepting friends and lifelong family friends.

Would I seek out another relationship with a poly woman - no.
Would I allow myself to act on emotions for another poly woman - no.

The hard and sad truth of the matter...anyone who knows my past understands I have experienced affairs and know full well the damage they create for myself and for all the people involved. I can't imagine getting into that scenario again, but I could see that scenario happening before another poly relationship.

After all this time and experience it is still my love for Redpepper and the positive influence I see myself having in her family that sustains me...it is not a heartfelt belief or confidence in the idea of poly.
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  #24  
Old 09-27-2010, 07:13 AM
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wow, that surprises me. I thought you were the most together mono I had come across. I'm not saying that you're not together; I can't really convey what I mean properly.

If you notice I had a similar reaction to you initially, (i.e. never again). But on going deeper it felt like by saying that it also meant that if I could wipe my present relationship away as if it had never happened and have a great mono relationship instead, I would. And I wouldn't.

I think we feel pretty similarly about our partners and it's hard to imagine anyone else who could possibly be out there to offer us anything approaching what we have now. But then we never imagined being where we are now and it's the best we've ever had. So how can we categorically close ourselves off to the possibility of it ever happening again?

Does that make any sense?
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Old 09-27-2010, 07:24 AM
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But on going deeper it felt like by saying that it also meant that if I could wipe my present relationship away as if it had never happened and have a great mono relationship instead, I would.
I think we feel pretty similarly about our partners and it's hard to imagine anyone else who could possibly be out there to offer us anything approaching what we have now. But then we never imagined being where we are now and it's the best we've ever had. So how can we categorically close ourselves off to the possibility of it ever happening again?

Does that make any sense?
I've already had a great mono relationship...I needed it and that need was filled. If I didn't already have a child and all the mono experiences I had I would want that and Redpepper and I would never had become a couple in the first place.

I feel confident in saying this is the deepest relationship I have had and the only one of it's nature I will have for however long it lasts (hopefully for a very very long time).

I love her with everything I have...but I don't love poly as I see all the struggles my friends and metamours undergo. I see too much pain and imbalance in it.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 09-27-2010 at 07:27 AM.
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  #26  
Old 09-27-2010, 07:47 AM
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But if you look at the thread "Is poly worth it" it's predominantly positive. I look around at all my old mono friends and they may not have the emotional roller coaster rides that poly relationships often include but they are mostly a lot less healthy, honest and dynamic than my relationship and I'm sure yours. Many of them are "affairs in waiting".

I have also had kids and a long mono relationship peppered with affairs, so maybe that has helped me get where I am. I don't have any illusions about a mono relationship necessarily being any better than a poly one just because it's mono. Any relationship is only as good as the people in it.

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  #27  
Old 09-27-2010, 08:02 AM
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But if you look at the thread "Is poly worth it" it's predominantly positive. I look around at all my old mono friends and they may not have the emotional roller coaster rides that poly relationships often include but they are mostly a lot less healthy, honest and dynamic than my relationship and I'm sure yours. Many of them are "affairs in waiting".

I have also had kids and a long mono relationship peppered with affairs, so maybe that has helped me get where I am. I don't have any illusions about a mono relationship necessarily being any better than a poly one just because it's mono. Any relationship is only as good as the people in it.

Everyone's reality is different, if you read that thread than you saw that my opinion was different. I couldn't be a in a poly/open relationship as a primary partner or "husband". I'm not saying mono relationships are better at all. I'm just saying that there are a lot of unique circumstances that had to all come together for me to be in this relationship. Part of that was not realizing what kind of struggle I was about to take on. I can't imagine anyone else ever being worth that. I can't imagine ever giving some one the chance to see. No, I'm afraid I would turn away from even the mention of the words open or poly if I ended up single again and I would be sure to ask.
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  #28  
Old 09-29-2010, 05:33 PM
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No, I'm afraid I would turn away from even the mention of the words open or poly if I ended up single again and I would be sure to ask.
Mono- I agree to a point. While I think the self-awareness and growth has been beneficial to me personally, I would never get into a mono/poly situation again. That is just an almost insurmountale battle. I think if I would ever become "single" again, I would stay single and be free to love whomever I choose without the guilt and oppression of having to make such huge compromises to the natural progression of a relationship due to mono expectations of a primary mono. Now I would think that using this journey as a guage I would be able to recognize if a lover is becoming expectant or feeling the pressure to control to feel secure. As a poly lover with a mono husband the protection of his feelings on the matter has in turn caused me to feel unable to share huge parts of my life. While I respect his need for it, and I understand his struggles, I have not really made him realize what his needs have done to me and our relationship because of the disconnect. I have a hard time with imposing my wants/needs on others. I definitely do not let them walk on me, and I do as I choose, but I am not overt or obnoxious in my expectations being imposed on them personally. I communicate what I want, I do what I need to to make those wants happen but I don't expect my husband to be right beside me "embracing" what I choose. I just journey on and hope he follows but that has not always been the case...that hurts, alot. And that is because of expectations of what traditional marriage is supposed to be. I am learning what a non-traditional marriage can be. But if all was erased and I could live my life...marriage would not be on my list of To Do in Life. I agree that mono/poly isn't the best scenario for me.

Last edited by Morningglory629; 09-29-2010 at 05:36 PM.
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  #29  
Old 09-29-2010, 05:40 PM
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But if you look at the thread "Is poly worth it" it's predominantly positive. I look around at all my old mono friends and they may not have the emotional roller coaster rides that poly relationships often include but they are mostly a lot less healthy, honest and dynamic than my relationship and I'm sure yours. Many of them are "affairs in waiting".

I have also had kids and a long mono relationship peppered with affairs, so maybe that has helped me get where I am. I don't have any illusions about a mono relationship necessarily being any better than a poly one just because it's mono. Any relationship is only as good as the people in it.

I love reading your stuff, the way you process and attempt change. I really wish I could be as non-judgemental as you. I think I need to work on my selfishness. Yeah I am poly and love is something I like to share, but I need to really just learn to live and let live and not be so quick to wish for everyone to be the same in how they think and process. You are one cool mono Kiwi!
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  #30  
Old 09-29-2010, 07:16 PM
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I agree that mono/poly isn't the best scenario for me.
I don't think that mon/poly relationships are the best scenario for most people. But there are some truly great ones
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