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  #11  
Old 09-26-2010, 03:03 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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Is there a poly community in your area? I got comfortable with poly gradually while being around poly people and seeing how they did things, what went well, what didn't. I think most people aren't hard-wired poly or mono, that it's like the Kinsey spectrum, that some people are at both extremes and really couldn't be happy with the other thing, but there's a lot of people in the middle who can go either way under the right circumstances.

Also, I don't get this mentality of "I'm just not interested in anyone else, therefore I'm not poly." I've never had all that much interest in meeting new people to date, a hypothetical person just didn't seem all that appealing, no matter how I tried to imagine someone who'd be just perfect for me.

Then I met a cute poly guy and within an hour or so I was hoping he'd kiss me and pretty soon after that he did, and we've had an ongoing thing for more than a year now.
Still, I wasn't interested in meeting new people to date. I tried OKC, met up with people, dates went okay but no sparks, I was just going through the motions to show I was making an effort.
I did start going to church, and there was this one really cute guy there, but he had a girlfriend, and they were probably mono, and that even if he was single, he was probably boring, and no way would he be interested in me, and if he was interested, it'd probably be in a pure and wholesome monogamous way. But damn he was cute, and we ended up talking enough that it was obvious he wasn't just cute, he was interesting, so I messaged him on facebook saying I'd like to get to know him, which lead to him asking if I wanted ice cream (duh! it's ice cream!) which it turned out that he was using ice cream to lure me into his bedroom because he'd been looking at my cleavage and thinking of things he'd like to do....So, not boring. 2 months later, still not sure what's going on, but I am very interested.

My point is that an absence of interest in dating theoretical people doesn't mean anything, because at any random point in time, someone could stumble into your life and you could suddenly find yourself very interested in dating that specific person.
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  #12  
Old 09-26-2010, 03:34 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I do think people tend to be more mono or more poly, although some people could go either way too.

If you are mono, you can still have a mono/poly relationship. About the jealousy, I haven't felt it, when I came out to my husband I told him I definitely wanted him to be free to have other relationships, too, and when I tried to think about it, I really thought I would be jealous to some extent and have to work on it.
When he developed and interest in someone, told me about her, invited her for supper and everything, though, I wasn't jealous at all! I think it helps when there is a face and a name, but I also mostly think in my case, seeing him so happy just made it impossible for me to be upset about that.
I'm not sure if because I am poly I react better to it though: since I've experienced it before, it's easier for me to understand that he loves me just as much if not more when he meets someone else, because I've felt it myself.

As to whether you're mono or poly... I knew I was poly, because I guess I always had been like that and I could feel it. But still, I was with my husband monogamously for five years, simply because I never met anyone I was interested in. It's possible that you are like me. The way I work isn't to look for a relationship and find someone who would be a good fit. I meet someone and then feel like I want a relationship with them in particular.
If you work like me, forcing it just wouldn't work. Dating just doesn't work for me at all (as in dating sites, getting introduced by friends, etc) because it puts me in a different state of mind, and I need to be in a regular state of mind, just meeting the person normally, for things to develop.

You might be mono too, though. If that's the case, you can still have a mono/poly relationship, but it can be hard. It might be hard for him if he feels you're getting the short end and it makes him feel like a jerk. It might be hard for you if you feel like you're getting the short end, too. It's workable but harder.
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  #13  
Old 09-27-2010, 05:21 AM
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kopoa, what is this study you mention to do with voles? Do you have a link to it?

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Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
In the end, neither of us remained faithful, but the compatibility and love was still there........

All in all, it was good practice for seeing that sex won't sustain or kill a real connection if the compatibility and emotions are genuine. And hey - if they are not real, you didn't loose anything that was ever going to be right for you in the first place.
I love this... thank you for this reminder. connection and compatibility out last way longer than just sex.
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Old 09-27-2010, 05:25 AM
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kopoa, what is this study you mention to do with voles? Do you have a link to it?



.
As requested Lilo..these have been talked about previously

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...ighlight=voles
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  #15  
Old 09-27-2010, 05:35 AM
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As requested Lilo..these have been talked about previously

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...ighlight=voles
I thought I recognized the little fellers.
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  #16  
Old 09-27-2010, 05:36 AM
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I thought I recognized the little fellers.
They're like guinea pigs!
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  #17  
Old 09-27-2010, 05:54 AM
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They're like guinea pigs!
no, no they aren't... not half as cute. Come on, seriously?! How could you compare!
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  #18  
Old 09-27-2010, 06:08 AM
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no, no they aren't... not half as cute. Come on, seriously?! How could you compare!
Your right Lilo I was just joking
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  #19  
Old 09-27-2010, 02:45 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
kopoa, what is this study you mention to do with voles? Do you have a link to it?



I love this... thank you for this reminder. connection and compatibility out last way longer than just sex.
Thanks!
In terms of people having tendencies to poly or mono; I don't think I have a tendency to one or the other so much as I tend to place more importance on some things (devotion and fortitude) and less on others (sexual faithfulness, chemical love). Unfortunately, we are raised to believe sexual faithfulness equals love despite seeing and having experienced ourselves, that people don't always love who they have sex with. Even the words "I love you" isn't always said with sincerity. sometimes I think people say it because of the emotional response it stands to elicit in the person hearing it.
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