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  #11  
Old 06-26-2020, 08:52 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Fair and equal are two separate concepts. If you guys were mono, you wouldn't be taking big fancy vacations either, right? Because you can't afford them.

We do different things with different people, and that's okay.
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  #12  
Old 06-26-2020, 09:20 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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My worry is that since I’ve been with partner A for so long and they are my fiancť, they will want to close the relationship if they see too much of an imbalance or if they start becoming depressed.
And they can do that -- request to close.

And you can answer honestly "No, I don't want to close"

Or if willing... "I'm willing to partly close and not date NEW people. But the people already here? I'm not ending it with them."


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I wouldn’t put up with them asking me to close, but it’s not a point I want to reach.
Well, that point is not here, so don't worry about it at this time.



Quote:
A has asked once if they could come along on a trip and I said we couldn’t afford it, but I would ask B If they’d be willing to splurge. Unfortunately B got a little annoyed and said they couldn’t afford to take another adult to Europe, but a smaller trip in the future would be ok.
That was nice of B.

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B already contributes lots of money to the household in the form of groceries and B gives A pretty expensive bday and Christmas gifts.
Ok.

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I feel THINK like A wants me to push harder to get and to invite them along, but I just can’t stomach it.
You think that A wants you to push.

But you could be thinking wrong, and A hasn't actually asked you to do anything of the sort from the sound of it.

So why are you thinking things that stress you out? You do not have to "mind reader" A.

Quote:
I guess not everything has to be equal, but partner A has started to feeL bad when I’m in trips. They can’t sleep, cry sometimes, and feel bad in general.
That's on partner A. It's not your job to rescue A from all their feelings. Maybe if they feel yucky they will change their mind about improving their job situation. Maybe not.

You don't sound like you are being MEAN to A. Partner A simple is adjusting to the fact that they don't get to vacation with B like you do.

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If I could afford to bring A along, I would offer on occasion, but I just can’t.
Well, you mentioned studying and changing jobs in the future. Maybe you can offer later down. No point in banging head on wall because you cannot do it RIGHT NOW.

Again, you are not being MEAN to A. You all just have to live within your means. That's Life for all people.


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It just seems that what makes B happy (travel With me) ends up making A unhappy and feel bad about themselves.
Then it's on A not to be comparing.

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Just tired of feeling guilty... I guess I shouldn’t though.
No, you shouldn't.

You are not doing anything horrible to A by enjoying your time spent with B doing whatever activities. You make space for both. You don't rub it in A's face that you do fancy things with B. Or whine "how come you don't take me out like that?" or whatever.

Cut yourself a break.

Let Partner A deal with their own emotional maangement.

I get that it is uncomfortable to watch a partner struggle. You might hold space for them and listen or reassure.

But it isn't your job to FIX anything. YKWIM?

Galagirl
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  #13  
Old 06-26-2020, 10:39 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaisyF92 View Post
Yes, I suppose I do believe in 1, 2, and 3.

My worry is that since Iíve been with partner A for so long and they are my fiancť, they will want to close the relationship if they see too much of an imbalance, or if they start becoming depressed.

A has asked once if they could come along on a trip and I said we couldnít afford it, but I would ask B if theyíd be willing to splurge. Unfortunately, B got a little annoyed and said they couldnít afford to take another adult to Europe.
!!! OK, this is a bit shocking to me. You live in the US and felt pressured to ask one partner to take the other partner to Europe??

And you say, "unfortunately" B said no. Gosh. That took balls, even to ask. I could imagine it made B feel like they are expected to be a sugar daddy to someone who isn't even their own partner.

Quote:
... but a smaller trip in the future would be OK.
That is generous. $65K a year isn't really all that much money, especially if you're paying off student loans, or saving something in an IRA or something! Or maybe putting something aside for a future child's education. Whatever. No adult needs to spend a thousand or much more on their partner's partner (or whatever tickets, hotels and food would cost abroad)!

Quote:
B already contributes lots of money to the household in the form of groceries, and they give A pretty expensive b'day and Christmas gifts. I feel like A wants me to push harder to get and to invite them along, but I just canít stomach it.
A sounds like a leech. I have a really strong aversion to this kind of entitlement. A is lucky to get expensive gifts for birthdays and Christmases. My meta doesn't buy me gifts at all.

You say A doesn't know the meaning of hard work. Are you getting fed up with their low income and lack of ambition, not to mention this idea his meta should take him along on expensive trips...? It's not like B is making $250K a year!

Quote:
I guess not everything has to be equal, but partner A has started to feel bad when Iím in trips. They canít sleep, cry sometimes, and feel bad in general.
I'd say, let A feel bad. If they break up with YOU, or start to fuss about going mono, just because you get to go on trips, that shows their character. Ideally it might motivate them to work harder and start earning more so they CAN go on fancier vacations. Asking B to gift A would be counterproductive!

Quote:
This isnít something I want to happen, because I do value both relationships the same. If I could afford to bring A along, I would offer on occasion, but I just canít.

And Vinsanity, no, I am not comparing the relationships. I want them both to be happy. It just seems that what makes B happy (travel with me) ends up making A unhappy and feel bad about themselves. The trips are important to me because since A and I live together, the only real alone time I get with B is when we do week or two long trips abroad. I think alone time is important for growth and connection... and while A has had me all to themselves for 4 years, B had never had that opportunity, so I try and make up for it how i can.

Just tired of feeling guilty... I guess I shouldnít though.
Feeling guilty because your partner is whiny about not being able to afford trips, while they don't do anything to earn more money, is a problem. Maybe A is using YOU. Maybe you are letting A use you. Look inside yourself. Why are you enabling this behavior?
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  #14  
Old 06-26-2020, 11:08 PM
DaisyF92 DaisyF92 is offline
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Thank you everyone for putting this into perspective!

Well I didnít directly ask B if theyíd pay for A to come along... I said something like, A mentioned feeling envious of the trips and might like to come along on our next one. And I donít agree with mooching either. I am working hard for my degree and know it will pay off. And when I am on trips with B, I often pay for meals or activities to even it out a bit. I know they donít make all that much either...

And I guess Iím a way I am starting to become fearful of the future and slightly annoyed that myself and B will likely be the ďbreadwinnersĒ.
I love A very much, but for lack of a better word, they are a bit lazy. They donít clean very much and create more than half of the mess in the home (B is kind of a neat freak and ends up cleaning after A, which I also feel bad for and try to help).

I just donít know what to do. We were engaged before B came along, but now Iím wondering if marrying A is the right move. If I have children with both partner A and B, I worry that myself and B will become solely responsible for providing for them, and possibly only B if I canít work during pregnancy or illness.

I hate letting money become a factor in my relationships. Thank you for your help everyone. Iíll try to not let Partner Aís moods let me feel guilty.
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  #15  
Old 06-27-2020, 12:05 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello Daisy,

I guess the first thing you have to do is, ask yourself, is Partner A worth having around, even if they don't contribute much in the way of work or money. What qualities does Partner A have that do make them worth having around? Do those qualities make up for their lack of ambition? This is something you have to decide. Because I don't think Partner A is going to change. They are always going to be lazy (with an income to match).

If you do decide that A is worth having around, then I suppose your next move is to sit down with A and say to them, "Honey, I want very much to take you on fancy trips with me, it's just that I can't afford it yet. And, B can't afford to splurge on us both. Can I ask, would you be willing to just hang in there for a couple of years? because after I get done with school, then I'll start making more money, and you and I can start going on trips together."

If A is worth it. You decide.
Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #16  
Old 06-27-2020, 01:21 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I love A very much, but for lack of a better word, they are a bit lazy. They don’t clean very much and create more than half of the mess in the home (B is kind of a neat freak and ends up cleaning after A, which I also feel bad for and try to help).
Sounds like A needs to get it together with cleaning their fair share.

Quote:
I just don’t know what to do. We were engaged before B came along, but now I’m wondering if marrying A is the right move.
Well, a successful engagement period ends in one of two ways to me.

1) The couple thinks long and hard and does all the talks. Take the marriage prep class at their house of worship, online, extension office, etc. They decide they are NOT deeply compatible and end the engagement. They do NOT get married. Small win for both -- because ending engagement is cheaper than paying for a weddding and a divorce later down.

2) The couple thinks long and hard and does all the talks. Take the marriage prep class at their house of worship, online, extension office, etc. They decide they ARE deeply compatible and end the engagement period because they plan to get married. NOW they start planning a wedding. Win for both because they know what they are getting into, have something of a plan, have confirmed they have shared values, etc.

I often see people just jump to wedding planning without doing the work of Engagement. I don't know why they do that. They are caught up in wedding party stuff like outfits and DJs and menus... but not putting the same or more energy planning the marital union.

I think it goes better over all for the couples who do the marriage prep classes and REALLY consider what marriage means.

Quote:
If I have children with both partner A and B, I worry that myself and B will become solely responsible for providing for them, and possibly only B if I can’t work during pregnancy or illness.
Well, that is a risk.

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I hate letting money become a factor in my relationships.
Love may be infinite, but resources of time, energy, finances, gas, distance, and more are not. We all have to work within our own scope.

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Thank you for your help everyone. I’ll try to not let Partner A’s moods let me feel guilty.
Good.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-27-2020 at 01:25 AM.
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  #17  
Old 06-27-2020, 11:37 AM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaisyF92 View Post
I hate letting money become a factor in my relationships.
Then don't make it a factor. Focus on what is really going on, what is at the root of all the money talk. This is not about money at all.
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  #18  
Old 06-27-2020, 05:59 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Then don't make it a factor. Focus on what is really going on, what is at the root of all the money talk. This is not about money at all.
I agree. A's lack of money is a byproduct of his personality traits. I think you are finding some of those traits to be unattractive. You don't owe A a marriage just because you met him first.
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  #19  
Old 06-29-2020, 04:38 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I guess the first thing you have to do is, ask yourself, is Partner A worth having around, even if they don't contribute much in the way of work or money. What qualities does Partner A have that do make them worth having around? Do those qualities make up for their lack of ambition? This is something you have to decide. Because I don't think Partner A is going to change. They are always going to be lazy (with an income to match).
This.

I would advise against marrying (perhaps even living with or staying with) someone with the expectation that they are going to change. People can (and do) grow and change - but that has to come from within themselves (and, largely, FOR themselves).

My boys are both lazy slackers (with incomes to match) but I love them and they take care of me in ways that I appreciate. This is not to say that I donít sometimes get angry and frustrated when things donít get done - I do. But I also recognize that this is a situation that I have chosen for myself. (We do not have children, or my choices would likely have looked very different.)

I earn the income and take care of all of the finances (bills, savings, planning) and they take care of literally everything else (except my laundry, I do that myself, since I do need clothes to wear to work! ). If they donít do it, then it doesnít get done - which can make me grouchy, but I am sure as hell not going to do it myself. If I want to go on vacation and take one or both of them, then I do (I tell them what I want, they do the planning and the legwork and I make sure we have the funds to cover it.)

That all being said, I agree with the other posters are saying with regards to A wanting to travel too. If he really wanted to, he could work on improving his financial situation and paying his own way or tighten his belt and save up. (If the boys want to take a trip that I am not a part of then they have to save up and pay for it out of their ďfun moneyĒ - which means giving up other things, or come up with a gig to generate some cash.)

Just my two cents.

JaneQ

Afterthought: It occurs to me that there are times that I do volunteer to treat metamours (or even just friends), usually this is for a concert or other event in the city that we have bought extra tickets for. Often we will want to go out to a nice restaurant or bar and since we invited them to come with us, we will treat - because spending time with them makes the outing more enjoyable for us and I donít want people to feel pressured to spend money that they canít afford.

In turn those same people often invite us over for dinner or gatherings at their homes (pre-COVID) which is something we DONíT do.
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  #20  
Old 06-29-2020, 06:43 PM
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ToniO ToniO is offline
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Hello Daisy! My situation is somewhat the same as yours. My partner and I have quite considerably different salaries. It can sometimes be complicated as well, and we don't live in a poly-household like you. So I definitely can understand where you come from. Before I met my current partner, I thought these finance questions were somehow insignificant, but now I realize they really are not. It can really put a strain on relationships.

I suppose all relationships, monogamous or non-monogamous, all have to work and decide their finances individually. Just between monogamous relationships there are considerable differences in terms of how this topic is managed. Some couples share everything, while others keep finances completely separate. In the end, I suppose there is no right, or simple, answer to this.

I think that the style and situation of a relationship probably gives some general guidelines on how this topic is dealt with on average. Some poly relationships have just two person under one roof, and others live elsewhere. On the other hand, in some cases more than two people live in the same household, and perhaps are all romantically involved with each other. The more established a relationship is, I think the more finances are shared.

I'm not sure if you already mentioned if A and B are romantically involved with one another. If not, I guess it makes sharing finances a little less common. In any case, you all live together so I think a good idea is at least to balance out the bigger 'normal' expenses in life, such as housing, food and so on. That's what we do as well, as I pay much greater portion of our expenses.

Can B be forced to pay more than A on these expenses? No. But as I said, all relationships have to decide their own position on this. If household members would have considerably different salaries, but wouldn't balance it out in any way, I think I would find living in that kind of relationship quite uncomfortable as well. Households, indeed families, are usually there to support one another.

I agree with what was written earlier that you shouldn't feel bad about trips with your other partner. In the end, quality of the relationship isn't defined by how well off you are anyway. Whilst in my current relationship our income difference is bigger than in any of my previous relationships, I'm happier than ever.

I guess what I want to say with this rant is that don't feel bad about spending more money with the other partner but do talk about finances as well and if you should somehow balance out the bigger expenses.

Thank you for this interesting topic. Looking forward to more opinions.

Best, Toni
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