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  #111  
Old 09-22-2010, 06:27 PM
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I feel like I'm on the verge of a meltdown today. My time is being used up in my week off from derby doing things that I don't really want to be doing. I had to go out yesterday evening and meet my mother in law's cousin (because my mother in law wanted to show off the grandkids). I had already made arrangements to take the kids to the park with some friends (which we all wanted to do) and that had to be cut short. I'm not the best with having my plans changed. I like to know what's happening and then I like things to go as planned.

I guess this is part of the saying no thing that I think I'm so good at. Apparently it turns out that I'm great at saying no to strangers and those I don't have any emotional investment with but I'll go along with what those I care about want to do because I feel a sense of obligation. I guess I either have to suck it up and do things willingly and without resentment or I have to speak up and say that I have plans and that they can't be changed on a whim. More stuff to work on I guess.

Hmmm but I have no problem with telling my husband that I'm not willing to do things for the most part. So I guess there's a level of intimacy somewhere in the middle that I worry about upsetting people by telling them no. Or more to the point I worry about not being accepted and cared for if I rock the boat. I guess if I had a really clear idea of what I did want it would be easier to say no to the things that I don't want to do.

For example Friday is my friend's birthday party and it's a surprise. To begin with everything was pretty smooth and I was excited to go and hang out. Then her partner and I were trying to figure out how to get childcare for her son worked out (I had volunteered to find a sitter for all 3 kids, and I have one) but the only way she could make it work was to drop my friend's son off at 4, which means I have to leave work an hour early. Then I find out that it's not only the surprise party but that everyone is expected to go out on the town afterwards with them (very strongly implied). The thing is that I have 3 kids in my house who are going to get me up at the crack of dawn and a party of my own to prepare for the next night. This is one of those places where I haven't been able to say no (at least to the early drop off childcare part). For my own sanity I better not go out on the town though. I want this to be a fun birthday experience for my friend and I don't want to be there being a downer because I'm feeling resentful about not being able to say no.

-Derby
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  #112  
Old 09-26-2010, 03:58 PM
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At the moment things are good although it seems that life is going at a whirlwind pace. There are so many exciting things that I'm doing in the next month that I'm having trouble finding the down time. This weekend has been very full and fun. I'm off to Vancouver tomorrow afternoon for the week. Then there's the ball I'm going to and the loving more conference. At some point I think I'm going to have to have a stay home weekend with movies and the fireplace.

Somewhere in my head I equate stay at home weekends to a waste of a weekend. I'm not good at not filling up every spare moment. I'm going to work on that while I'm in Vancouver this week. Since I won't have any responsibilities (other than work) I'm going to try to listen to what *I* want to do. If there is a pool chances are that will be part of what I want to do. I don't think I do a good job of being my own primary. Or at the very least I put unrealistic expectations on what I should be.

I'm not sure how you learn to be your own primary. I'm not good at putting my needs first because I'm not very attuned to what those needs are. I tend to get to the end of my rope and have a meltdown before I know that I need a break and that I need to focus on me. And even then sometimes there just isn't time and I have to keep going and giving. Such is the nature of having a job that requires me to be a caregiver and having 2 kids at home that I am alone with much of the time. I don't resent my job or my kids at all but sometimes I need to be taken care of (even if it is just me doing the taking care of me).

How does one find time for self care and what does it look like? I'm not really into the pampering massages and pedicures and stuff. Mostly it just seems like a waste of money since I'm not sore anyway. I enjoy moving my body but I haven't been enjoying the derby drama that comes with being on the board (I'm not going to run for the board again, I prefer to just show up and skate). I also like small groups of company. For some reason I find more than 4 or 5 people together trying to talk a little difficult to handle, I have a hard time joining the conversation because it seems that there's always someone with something more interesting and important to say. I really like date nights, going somewhere where we can talk (but then again why can't date nights be quiet nights at home...more of this need to go out so as not to "waste" the evening).

I had some of my past revealed to me this weekend and I don't appear in the best light. As much as I know that's not where I am anymore it was painful to rehash it. I know that there were reasons at the time that I felt the way I did, and in the long run the way things turned out were for the best. But having that mirror held up to the way I was (and am capable of being again) was a pretty uncomfortable experience. I know that for the most part I am a good person but I can over react to things from time to time without being able to fully articulate why it's making me uncomfortable. I hate that I have to be so vague about it too, it's almost like being muzzled against saying anything in my own defence. What it feels like though is that I'm a less than stellar partner and all I can do at the moment is sit with that and process.

These posts are really all over the place. I really do have coherent thoughts somewhere in my head. I just can't seem to get them out in a story that makes any kind of sense. This is the way my thought process works though. No wonder it takes me forever to figure out what my needs are. Right now I'm having a need to have the good things about me shown to me. Having a mirror held to you is good as long as you see all of who you are. Just the negative and it doesn't make for good and happy feelings. And hugs...I need hugs. Good thing I have a couple of small people here who give the best hugs ever.

-Derby

PS I got my period today so that accounts for some of the emotional rollercoaster.
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  #113  
Old 09-26-2010, 04:14 PM
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...Well,.....hugs.

I suffer from Super-mommy/woman syndrome. I don`t like sitting around, I don`t like not feeling useful. I feel best when I am doing multiple things at once.

Learning how to relax and actually concentrate on myself, took a lot of mental work. For me, it finally came about when I realized how bored I was with myself. TOTALLY sick of myself.

That prompted me to do things I`ve never done, and reevaluate who I thought I really was.

As for mirrors,...they can be hard to look at. Even harder if you have (Like I did, not sure with you.) a perfectionism streak. We then tend to see warped funhouse mirrors, and judge ourselves way more harshly, then how everyone else sees us.

Critical eyes are great to have professionally, but can be a real catch-22 on a personal level.

Again,....hugs.
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  #114  
Old 09-26-2010, 04:16 PM
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Thanks SJ, it's good to know I'm not the only one who has unrealistic expectations of myself.
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  #115  
Old 09-26-2010, 04:32 PM
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**HUGS**

Sometimes self-care is allowing yourself the space to feel crappy. Writing your thoughts unapologetically also counts. I know how difficult it can be for you to get "alone" (in the sense of kid-free) time and space, and remembering the days when I was in your shoes, it took more than just a few hours of me-time to still the chatter in my head and figure out what I actually wanted to DO with myself.

It'll clear, and in the meantime, we love ya!
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  #116  
Old 09-26-2010, 05:30 PM
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Wow, this post sent me to some serious thinking and self evaluating. Thank you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I'm not sure how you learn to be your own primary. I'm not good at putting my needs first because I'm not very attuned to what those needs are.
I have noticed that this tends to happen to most women as soon as that "mommy" instinct is triggered. For most of us it takes years to overcome this and realize that we are neglecting to care for the caregiver to our children and they are suffering for it or at least not getting the best we have to give.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
How does one find time for self care and what does it look like? I'm not really into the pampering massages and pedicures and stuff. Mostly it just seems like a waste of money since I'm not sore anyway. I enjoy moving my body but I haven't been enjoying the derby drama that comes with being on the board (I'm not going to run for the board again, I prefer to just show up and skate). I also like small groups of company.
Sometimes it is just being able to decline being "helpful", especially when you know it will only add more stress to your life. When you are the one everyone goes to when volunteers are needed, they stop asking other people to help, so by declining, you are actually giving someone else a chance to say YES.

I like taking my kid to football, but I hate most of the volunteer jobs. I do have a job that gets me on the field nearly every game, but I only have to interact with only one or two other people. It is a very left brain type job and most of the people who like to volunteer hate it. It has none of the drama of dealing with a bunch of complaining parents. I seem to be able to do a good job at it and am appreciated for it, which make me feel good about myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I know that for the most part I am a good person but I can over react to things from time to time without being able to fully articulate why it's making me uncomfortable.
I over react alot and it is really hard to hear your 15 year old son (who is also prone to over react) say "Mom, it's really not that big a deal. You are over reacting, everthing is going to be fine." In the moment, it is really not really appreciated when he does this, but when I am in my rational mind again, it makes me think.

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PS I got my period today so that accounts for some of the emotional rollercoaster.
TOTALLY! Hugs!
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  #117  
Old 09-27-2010, 04:39 AM
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I'm not sure I get the over reacting thing you talk about. I don't find you and "over" reactor, I find you to be a reactor. You respond to situations where you feel uncomtable and don't know why. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and nothing unusual. Its not like you are a drama queen. You have emotions, you get confused by them, express them in the only way that you know how, in order to work them out. Once you figure it out, you aren't emotional any more and are more than accomidating of others and know where you are at. Much more than I would be in your situation. Nope, the whole "over reaction" thing I don't believe exists anywhere but in your head at this point. Maybe those around you are less openly emotional? I dunno.

On the note of who you are as a partner. You are a pretty damned fine one to me. Top notch, can't be beat. You don't give yourself enough credit my sweets.

Big hugs and kisses.
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  #118  
Old 09-27-2010, 04:43 AM
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Thanks Love, I appreciate that. Just wait though one day you might get the brunt on one of my reactions...it might seem more like an over reaction then .

<hugs and kisses> to you too
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  #119  
Old 09-27-2010, 07:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Thanks Love, I appreciate that. Just wait though one day you might get the brunt on one of my reactions...it might seem more like an over reaction then .

<hugs and kisses> to you too
well, having just talked to you outside of here, I hope you realize that i doubt this above statement very much.
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  #120  
Old 09-27-2010, 04:35 PM
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I've been known to shake up pop and put it back in the fridge as a booby trap when I'm especially angry about something LOL. Otherwise my outbursts tend to be a bunch of crying and then I leave to go for a walk. In a fight or flight situation I usually prefer flight. Getting away from the situation lets me clear my head and then I can talk about things in a much calmer manner. (most of the time).
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