Mono females & poly lovers

[redpepper]

mono's get a bad wrap on the "controlling" thing no? Is there not a positive term to use that indicates their "dedication" or "full attention" to a partner... I find nothing wrong with that. I don't find mono "controlling" and I haven't known too many others that I would describe as such, but I do know quite a few that I admire for their attention and dedication to a partner. It's a matter of whether you want that from a partner or not I think. I love that about Mono... I find that I need to be careful not to possess him, something that is usually reserved for what people say about mono's!

The uniqueness of a mono/poly relationship is very special. I don't think the line is that large, maybe misunderstood and judged. At least that is my take from where I sit.

Hey, Sage, what's this yahoo group you speak of? What do they discuss?

[sage]

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PolyMono/

I think that's the link, I just get all the posts sent to my email and I find it an awkward forum to navigate. Not nearly as good as this. there's a poly side to it also but I haven't been there. There are a group of regular monos who have got to grips with their relationships and new members coming through venting and asking for advice. But it's about caring and support you can only give advice if asked for and no judgements or criticism. There are quite a few fragile women out there who need such a place and some very good advice is offered up. I've noticed at least one poly guy on here has a partner there who is very good.

For more robust characters like me I enjoy the freedom of this site and the interaction of both mono and poly. When I first came here I had Mono telling me to push through the pain and Morning Glory telling me to look for positives. I think they jump-started me out of my "poor me" syndrome much faster than the softly, softly approach I would have received over there.

[GroundedSpirit]

Thanks for more input Sage,

Originally Posted by sage

........ you will see that while we accept we find actually being "comfortable" a lot more difficult. Likewise the mono/poly site but you probably wouldn't want to bother registering.

Ok, so here I see that in reality - you at least - haven't actually 'crossed that line'. In other words, it's still not where you would prefer to be. You're settling because of love you have for someone who has different views. But as you say, your're not 'comfortable' with it, would prefer it otherwise if you had a choice etc.
But at least you TRIED ! And that's something.
But, for example if you had a mono GF that approached you for advice because she had encountered a similar possibility and was at least curious, what would be your advice ?

From what I'm reading - and please correct me if I misread - I suspect you'd tell her 'don't go there - it's too difficult & painful'. Yes ?

this based on..........

Originally Posted by sage

I would say that most mono women fall in love with a poly before they realise how the implications of that will feel. It's one thing to know it intellectually but a whole different kettle of fish to experience the emotional roller coaster ride. That was my situation.

Originally Posted by sage

In both these cases we accept and try to make ourselves comfortable because of the quality of our relationship and the level of love we feel for our poly mate.....................

If we broke up I can't see myself knowingly going into another poly relationship.

So let's see if anyone else has stepped over the line and is willing to stay there ?

GS

[GroundedSpirit]

RP,

Originally Posted by redpepper

mono's get a bad wrap on the "controlling" thing no? I

Yea - that term could be taken a lot of different ways.
But bottom line, in a mono relationship/configuration there IS a control element - if nothing more that self reassurance that at least one facet of one's life is 'under control'. One thing (ideally) not to worry about (relationship competition, loneliness etc) So although it may not be 'controlling' it still offers some security of control.

In contrast, opening to poly - especially initially - doesn't offer that safety net from unknowns.

Does that make more sense ?

GS

[GroundedSpirit]

Let me see if I can add to anything for clarity sake........

Are there women who have only been exposed to a mono culture, been presented with an option of being the mono partner of a poly love mate and have chosen that option - NOT necessarily (or purely at least) out of love or infatuation, but because they sat down, analyzed the pros & cons, and made a conscious choice (WITH an open mind) to give it a try.

A situation where it made sense and the pros seemed to outweigh the cons, even though it seem to go against everything they had learned prior ?

Curious...........

GS

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

I know this thread is directed at woman based on the title so I'll leave this comment alone, my friend

Yea - I know where you'd likely go - and with good reason
And thanks - because this thread really isn't really so much for us guys opinion - as much as I'd value yours ! And feel free to email it to me.
But I agree - here I think it would lead us off track.........

GS

[phoenix762]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

Let me see if I can add to anything for clarity sake........

Are there women who have only been exposed to a mono culture, been presented with an option of being the mono partner of a poly love mate and have chosen that option - NOT necessarily (or purely at least) out of love or infatuation, but because they sat down, analyzed the pros & cons, and made a conscious choice (WITH an open mind) to give it a try.

A situation where it made sense and the pros seemed to outweigh the cons, even though it seem to go against everything they had learned prior ?

Curious...........

GS

I really hope I'm not pulling this off topic...
I usually lurk because I am not poly, but am curious about it, so usually, I really don't have anything to add.
That being said, you were wondering if a woman who was only exposed to a mono lifestyle (this would be me) -if presented with an option to be a poly relationship (I have not, but for the sake of this conversation, let's say I have) decided to accept the poly nature of said relationship NOT because of infatuation with said man, but b/c I have rationally thought it out beforehand.

Yep, I sure would.
See, here's my take on it.

I would love to have a relationship with someone whom I would NOT have to devote a lot of time to, well, because I tend to be a loner, and I have pissed off TWO husbands who don't understand that I like to spend a lot of time alone not b/c I don't like THEM, but b/c I am just a loner by nature.

I also have a horrible sex drive. There are long stretches of time that I could care less that I have no sex, and then there are times, for some warped reason, I would (if possible) have sex every day. Sad to say, these times are terribly rare.
Yeah, I'm a mess.

So, here's how I see it....if I'm with a guy who also has relationships with another woman/man/wom(e)n, whatever....hey, he won't be terribly pissed if'n I want to be alone a lot of the time....win/win? Yeah?

How most people would see this, don't know....probably wouldn't want any parts of it.
You think something like this has been done? Is it even feasible?

I hope I (well, kind of) answered your question w/o completely confusing you....

[sage]

I think you are going to find so little response from women that Mono's input is valid. Would he happily, actively seek out another poly relationship knowing what he knows about them (if anything happened to RP of course)? From my participation on the mono/poly forum there doesn't seem to be any difference between mono guys accepting poly and females. Maybe the issues are a little different but there seem just as many and they are just as intense, in some cases more so.

Your investigation seems very black and white whereas in reality the lines are very blurred. This is the best relationship I have ever had in my life, so I don't see myself as "settling". I have grown in ways I probably never would have otherwise. Maybe a poly relationship was what I needed while not necessarily being what I would have chosen knowing what I know now. Maybe it's like the vegetable that is really good for you but you'd still go for the dessert given the easy choice.

If a girlfriend asked me if she should explore a poly relationship I would say,"1. Educate yourself fully before opening your heart. 2. Get to know this person as well as you can before opening your heart.3. Examine yourself and what you want long term." On re-thinking I would probably put myself through steps 2 and 3 if the opportunity came up again. Does that get me closer to your line?

[GroundedSpirit]

Great Sage ! Thanks again

Originally Posted by sage

If a girlfriend asked me if she should explore a poly relationship I would say,

Originally Posted by sage

"1. Educate yourself fully before opening your heart.

Ooooo-k - educate......about what ?

Originally Posted by sage

2. Get to know this person as well as you can before opening your heart.

Great advice for any relationship - right

[QUOTE=sage;45915]3. Examine yourself and what you want long term."

Ummmmm...........what you 'want'. But isn't this based on what you believe to be your available choices ? So if this is a new, foreign choice - do you route back to 'education' or default to the known ?

Originally Posted by sage

On re-thinking I would probably put myself through steps 2 and 3 if the opportunity came up again. Does that get me closer to your line?

LOL - I don't know hun - does it ?

I see the 'line' as coming across a poly option totally unawares, giving it an honest evaluation, and going forward. AND not coming back (as in viewing it as an impossible or impractical option)!

Not sure whether you are coming back or not ? I hope not - and for all the right reasons. Time will tell -right ?

GS

[glowinthedarkstars]

hmmm I came here first pretty mono (poly curious) but since being with P who is poly for a year I have developed other relationships....one of which is with a married couple. With them, I can relate I think to mono's experience in a sense, because the couple's bond is so strong and beautiful I am deviod of jelousy and only compersion w them. With P however I still have quite a bit of jelousy from time to time.