Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 09-25-2010, 06:38 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
We also learned that there was still a long way to go. I still was bound by some boundaries or limits that seemed somewhat one-sided, and occasionally ambiguous. My wife had far more issues or concerns with my dating than I seemed to have with hers. Why was that? How do we work through that? Does it need to be resolved before trying at another relationship? Or does it require a trial by fire so to speak to work it out? And I wasn’t sure where that line between equal and fair was...it’s something we continue to work on.
I2...nice read, thank you!

I 'feel' similar to your wife I think....boundaries are for hubby, not so much for me. Saying this out loud bothers me immensely! I have so far upheld 'most' of the boundaries that we have decided on together. The only time being a little romp with the GF, while Hubby was in the other room. He didn't care about the romp, just the fact that I had broken the boundaries of ONLY 3 in bed. I wonder if this ease of breaching boundaries on the wife's mind is due to the fact that a) the hubby is NOT as jealous or in fear of losing the wife to a chick or b) the chicks just don't like rules!

How do you feel about it? Do you protest a bit, but really, it is okay? You know, Happy Wife, Happy Life and all!!

Thanks
P2
__________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. ~ Oscar Wilde
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 09-25-2010, 07:19 PM
sparky615's Avatar
sparky615 sparky615 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 7
Default

Those "flexible" boundaries will bite you in the ass every time. They have to be hard and fast and apply to all, or they have to be dropped. IMHO
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 09-25-2010, 08:59 PM
ImaginaryIllusion's Avatar
ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,927
Question

Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
I 'feel' similar to your wife I think....boundaries are for hubby, not so much for me. Saying this out loud bothers me immensely!
Saying that out loud would bother me too. But sometimes we need to bring those things out in the open to address them. We can't do that by whispering in a corner...there needs to be a very large bright light shone into the dark corners if we're going to clean them out properly.

In my wife's case, I really wouldn't say her viewpoint of boundaries is that one sided. And I'm not just saying this to smooth over the fact that she's a little annoyed at me about the last set of posts.
I think it's more that there's been a different set of issues that affect her comfort levels with things. Different than those that have affected me. And she has a different way of processing things. Where I do a lot of introspection and questioning of things ahead of time, I think sometimes she needs the issue to come up...which means trial by fire.

When it does, then she has to go away and process what's bothering her and how to fix it. The boundaries have been useful to make sure I don't do something stupid in the meantime while she's still processing. It's mostly a measure to slow things to a pace that the processing can happen, and keeps triggers from building on top of each other which could cause a situation to spiral uncontrollably.


Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
I have so far upheld 'most' of the boundaries that we have decided on together. The only time being a little romp with the GF, while Hubby was in the other room. He didn't care about the romp, just the fact that I had broken the boundaries of ONLY 3 in bed. I wonder if this ease of breaching boundaries on the wife's mind is due to the fact that a) the hubby is NOT as jealous or in fear of losing the wife to a chick
I'm not sure where I'm at with my jealousy...I never had much to begin with, and I think I've purged most of the rest...I'm just not worried about loosing my wife...at least not to other partners, male or female. There's other things that could cause her to leave me I'm sure...and those scare me to death. We're not big on co-dependency, but regardless, I can't imagine my life without her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
or b) the chicks just don't like rules!
I'd be crucified roundly if I made such a generalization around here!

Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
How do you feel about it? Do you protest a bit, but really, it is okay? You know, Happy Wife, Happy Life and all!!
Not an overly happy life today I guess. Like I said, I'm in the puppy house.

We're still working on this...I think it's been identified by both of us. I sometimes feel that it's overly restrictive, and I tend to bristle at the confinement on occasion. And I think she's wondering herself sometimes why she's concerned about some of the things that make those particular boundaries necessary, and how to work past them eventually....if ever.

That said, it doesn't change the fact that it's worked well for us. It's been effective for keeping me from doing stupid things and acted as spin control. It's allowed us to focus on actual issues and work past them rather than spending a lot of time doing damage control for regrettable acts after the fact. As much as the false starts I mentioned earlier annoyed me at the time, and hind-sight being 20/20, they were the right decisions to not get involved. But that's for a future post.

There's actually a lot more I can say about my wife...but that was actually planned for the next installment anyways. I might have to push up the publishing schedule though...so I can get out of the puppy house.


Quote:
Originally Posted by sparky615 View Post
Those "flexible" boundaries will bite you in the ass every time. They have to be hard and fast and apply to all, or they have to be dropped. IMHO
I appreciate the view. I should clarify though that while our boundaries aren't the same, they still apply to both. But some of the boundaries just aren't necessary for my comfort, and impractical to bother with, mostly due to frequent time and distance issues.
As for flexibility, we have no issues with boundaries flexing, or changing over time. The part that's bit me in the ass a couple times is simply not having kept track of where the last flex put them. I sometimes got lost in which ones are in effect, which had been taken down, or what the last modification was. And that's mostly my fault for having a mind like a sieve. And in the absence of a better memory, I'll end up chaffing against the more conservative or restrictive boundary that I can remember, only finding out after the fact that I didn't need to. It's a frustrating occurrence to be sure, but it's also a product of my rather conservative and cautious nature. My wife is too important to hurt by sheer carelessness.
__________________
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 09-25-2010, 09:30 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Saying that out loud would bother me too. But sometimes we need to bring those things out in the open to address them. We can't do that by whispering in a corner...there needs to be a very large bright light shone into the dark corners if we're going to clean them out properly.

In my wife's case, I really wouldn't say her viewpoint of boundaries is that one sided. And I'm not just saying this to smooth over the fact that she's a little annoyed at me about the last set of posts. .
I agree. Sometimes my 'opinion' comes out a bit too strong. I will ALWAYS try my very best - and succeed dammit - at not losing trust by disregarding boundaries set in place.

For me, I know that my hubby is very secure that I would NOT leave him for anybody, male or female! It's not as secure a feeling for me, even though I trust him immensely and logically know that he wouldn't. This whole situation has brought a piece of me to the forefront that I had NO IDEA was there. A bit of insecurity. AND while I grapple with that, I still see the longing in each of their eyes towards each other....and pine for some, I suppose. Ek. Again, with the out loud piece. Foreign feeling yet dispicable, all at once! Great! Self knowledge can suck some days!

I2, keep blogging....the doghouse door is opening!!
thanks
P2
__________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. ~ Oscar Wilde
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 09-25-2010, 09:32 PM
ImaginaryIllusion's Avatar
ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,927
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
This whole situation has brought a piece of me to the forefront that I had NO IDEA was there. A bit of insecurity. AND while I grapple with that, I still see the longing in each of their eyes towards each other....and pine for some, I suppose. Ek. Again, with the out loud piece. Foreign feeling yet dispicable, all at once! Great! Self knowledge can suck some days!
You're welcome.
__________________
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 09-26-2010, 02:11 PM
Indigomontoya's Avatar
Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 107
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
(maybe I’ll just dub that the ‘monostream’....someone remind me to cross post that to the glossary thread).
I am grappling with reconciling myself and the monostream as well. I am doing a pretty good job at it, but now it comes down to coming out (as I mentioned in my blog) and dealing with other people's monostream.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion
Why would it be ok for her to have intimate relationships with girls, but not guys? Why would a relationship with a guy be different? If I’m going to be allowed to date girls, why shouldn’t she be allowed to date guys? Only fair right?
I had this thought process too. When I opened up TP to girls for about 2 weeks and then went ahead and opened it up the rest of the way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion
If I’m going to embrace poly as a way of life, and part of my identity, then I can’t just say I’ll tolerate other guys nailing my wife...or it’s only fair so I can date other girls. It’s about loving others...opening up to the possibilities. So if my wife is bi and poly, then she should have the opportunity to find and experience that love, no matter what package it’s wrapped in. If it’s someone she loves a fraction as well as she’s loved me, what could I possibly have to say about that?
Dealing with mono versus poly, and not just opening it up and expecting physical encounters with no love was probably the biggest part of my hang up with poly. I suppose it comes down to the monostream of society again saying that love is a finite and one person for the rest of your life has been so ingrained in my psyche that it is hard to break.

Really really great posts, and it's consolatory that I was not the only one grappling with some of these rather specific problems. Mind you I think we just fulfilled the the purpose of this board by saying that.
__________________
Polyamory is wrong! It's Multiamory or Polyphilia. Mixing Greek and Latin roots? That's wrong.

Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 09-26-2010 at 11:09 PM. Reason: Tag formatting
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 09-26-2010, 03:18 PM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 885
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Saying that out loud would bother me too. But sometimes we need to bring those things out in the open to address them. We can't do that by whispering in a corner...there needs to be a very large bright light shone into the dark corners if we're going to clean them out properly.
..I`m a big fan of this.

So much time is wasted when we fool ourselves with lesser knowledge, just because it`s easier. The trick is, finding a way to convey this, without scaring off those we love.

Personal input : Your wife is a fabulous person. Anyone can see that, by reading her posts.
I find your blog a refreshing change from the same ol, same ol.
It`s the REAL truth,..regular things we all struggle with as people in loving relationships.

Keep on writing, man.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 09-26-2010, 03:55 PM
rabbit rabbit is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 38
Default

I'm curious (because I've been in a situation pretty similar to yours) does the "only 3" rule mean you and your husband can't have sex without her too?
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 09-27-2010, 12:06 AM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 135
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rabbit View Post
I'm curious (because I've been in a situation pretty similar to yours) does the "only 3" rule mean you and your husband can't have sex without her too?
Rabbit, I take it this one was for me!

Well, funnily enough, we DID STOP having sex with JUST each other for a bit. Not sure if that was due to the fact that we were exhausted from the 20 times per weekend routine, or that we actual 'felt' we were leaving her out.

We DID return though to sex with just him and me....and it is still fabulous. We are making a conscious effort to do more of that now.

Sorry for the brief hijack of the thread....if you are interested in more, go to the Polly Roller Coaster under Blogs. I would love to know your experience!
Thanks
P2
__________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. ~ Oscar Wilde
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 09-27-2010, 04:17 AM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
we were exhausted from the 20 times per weekend routine, or that we actual 'felt' we were leaving her out.

P2
Ummm ouch?!?!?!
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
blog

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:23 PM.