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  #41  
Old 09-25-2010, 01:29 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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I've also decided that perhaps telling J immediately might not be the best approach... I'm going to take my vacation and enjoy it, and I'm going to tell her how I feel in person after I get back. I want her to see that I am happy for her, not to have to wonder if I'm just saying the words if I write to her.
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  #42  
Old 09-27-2010, 04:54 AM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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After a couple of days of feeling somewhat better... my mood has crashed again.

I'm just feeling like a complete and utter failure right now. A failure at making my feelings known to J, a failure to Tonberry as a husband... I can't even do the laundry right... just feeling completely useless today and like the world would be better off if I wandered of somewhere and became a hermit.

I can't even llok after my cats right, I just stepped on one and now he won't come near me...

Last edited by Ragabash; 09-27-2010 at 05:07 AM.
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  #43  
Old 09-27-2010, 11:08 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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It's okay, we'll get over it. Just need to be patient and work at it.
I do think your decision not to tell J until we're back was a bad one though. It felt like you kept finding excuses not to tell her, and postponing more and more until now you've decided not to tell her until after we're back.
I really wish you had told her right away, or the next day, at least given her a call before the trip. I really feel it's going to ruin our whole vacation now, that you left everything hanging instead of solving them beforehand. I feel it has started to ruin it already. And I hate that you gave up instead of telling her you liked her. Now she won't have the whole week to make it less awkward, and she'll be much more invested in her new relationship instead of it just being "that guy she just met on a dating site". Even if she would have given you a chance, now it's going to be too late.

On my end, I was very much looking forward to this trip with the two of us, until yesterday.
I was getting closer and closer to Rag again, after we had a hurtful argument (I talk about it in this post of a blog I've just started) and as I told him I thought we had a great relationship and couldn't wait to spend a week alone with him, he started making hurtful comments again and pushing me away.

Right now I'm feeling like every time I make myself vulnerable for him and take a step towards him, he uses it to hurt me and step back. It makes me feel terrible, because he's acting exactly like my parents used to and that stressed me out extremely. Earlier I went to snuggle him in bed and then had to leave because I was getting worried he would start punching me if he woke up.
I realise it's a silly worry, he'd never hurt me. Yet that's what he's been doing emotionally: I go to snuggle him (telling him how I enjoy his company, that I had a good day, that I'm looking forward to more time together) and he punches me in the face (makes hurtful comments). Then he resents me for avoiding him, but how could I not?
I'm hoping talking about it here will help, as there are many people here I trust, and since we both frequent this forum you will get to hear both sides of the story, too, and we will both be able to read your comments and advice.
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  #44  
Old 09-27-2010, 03:28 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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Yesterday just felt like a huge emotional setback, in pretty much all aspects of my life. I basicly sunk into an sudden, extremely deep depression, which fortunately isn't as severe today.

First... I bit the bullet and sent the email to J. She'll know how I feel about her by the time I get home from my vacation.

As for the rest, it seems like a huge number of smaller issues snowballed until they became one absolutely huge issue. I'm hoping the vacation will help, because for the sake of my sanity I need to get out of this town for a while. A small town in the middle of nowhere of less than 6000 for two people who never learned to drive isn't exactly conductive to long term sanity, and yes, we are planning on moving, hopefully next year as soon as Tonberry's immigration status is finalized.
Unfortunately, where we're living is the town where I grew up, which makes it all too easy to fall into old patterns and ruts, which is exactly what I think happened. I need to learn to recognize them for what they are and avoid them, and while I do think I'm slowly getting better I still have a long way to go.
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  #45  
Old 09-27-2010, 03:36 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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I should also mention that Lumpy, the cat previously mentioned, wasn't hurt and quickly forgave me for the accident last night.
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  #46  
Old 09-27-2010, 03:39 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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We also talked about things and I'm feeling much better about the vacation once again. I think we'll have a good time and it will be good for both of us. Also, as much as I'm going to miss Sean, I think that will be good too as sometimes I feel I need to miss people, and being over each other too much can become a problem... Especially online.
When living together you can be doing different things (one person reading, the other watching TV, for instance) and still be "together" (in the same room, talking every so often, etc), while online you tend to have to focus on the talking, so I feel you get overcrowded faster, in a way? Like, when you're together, you can't really decide to take a walk together or anything like that, you're stuck in front of the computer...

I'm not even sure what my point is anymore, but I feel it will be good to get out of town, and also to see Sean less, so that I get a chance to miss him, but also a chance to do things without him and tell him about them.
I guess sometimes I just feel like going away from some people so I can appreciate them more when I come back. That must sound silly, but it works for me.
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  #47  
Old 09-27-2010, 03:40 PM
ThatRomanticGeek ThatRomanticGeek is offline
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@Ragabash - Man, I feel for you so much. I know exactly what you mean about feeling envious of your wife, but not her boyfriend.

I wish I had words of wisdom to offer you, but the best I can do is say I relate.
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  #48  
Old 10-05-2010, 10:00 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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Tonberry and I are back from vacation now, but it will take a bit of time to catch up on everything though. I heard back from J, she's not interested in any sort of relationship beyond being friends and coworkers. While it doesn't exactly make me happy, it's not unexpected and I can live with that.

In the meantime, we had a great vacation, but it's good to be home.
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  #49  
Old 10-06-2010, 04:47 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I'm in a weird place. It's hard to see my husband being just-friended, I want to go to J and tell her what she's missing. Part of me is upset with her for sending all the wrong signals, acting like she was interested in him, and in the end not being interested at all. Another part doesn't want to be upset with someone who is so important to my husband.
Yet another part feels guilty that I have been so lucky in love when he hasn't. Had he started dating J, it would be balanced and fair. But now, I have a husband, a boyfriend, and they've BOTH been just-friended by the other person they were interested in. I feel like I shouldn't be that happy when they aren't. On the other hand, I also want to support them both. It makes me so mad that people don't seem to see them as the wonderful men they are.
And then, yet another part is getting a bit stressed out that they both have only me to depend on. I wish I could share that responsibility with another woman in their lives. I wish I had an "accomplice". I'm worried I'm not going to be able to help both of them and take care of myself at the same time.

I really wish things had been different. There isn't much I can do, of course. And it's getting a bit better, and it will get even better, I know that, but still, it's sad.
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  #50  
Old 10-06-2010, 05:00 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I'm in a weird place. It's hard to see my husband being just-friended, I want to go to J and tell her what she's missing. Part of me is upset with her for sending all the wrong signals, acting like she was interested in him, and in the end not being interested at all. Another part doesn't want to be upset with someone who is so important to my husband.
Yet another part feels guilty that I have been so lucky in love when he hasn't. Had he started dating J, it would be balanced and fair. But now, I have a husband, a boyfriend, and they've BOTH been just-friended by the other person they were interested in. I feel like I shouldn't be that happy when they aren't. On the other hand, I also want to support them both. It makes me so mad that people don't seem to see them as the wonderful men they are.
And then, yet another part is getting a bit stressed out that they both have only me to depend on. I wish I could share that responsibility with another woman in their lives. I wish I had an "accomplice". I'm worried I'm not going to be able to help both of them and take care of myself at the same time.

I really wish things had been different. There isn't much I can do, of course. And it's getting a bit better, and it will get even better, I know that, but still, it's sad.
For God's sake don't feel guilty that two men who like eachother love you!!!! It is a blessing, a gift. Lucky girl. As far as Rag's J, it is best that before anything progressed between them that she realized poly isn't for her, and she would rather remain friends. The signals may just have been as you said- interest, but maybe she is self-aware and just can't get into the idea of poly for herself. Friend isn't a bad word. At least there is genuine caring going on.
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