Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

 
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
  #1  
Old 09-25-2010, 05:36 AM
Tiana Tiana is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 20
Post Tiana's Blog - Life's Everchanging Path

Let's see, where to begin....I've never been very good a writing journals of any kind, but I thought that this couldn't hurt. I will try and post updates as things happen, though likely they will not be daily updates, but I will check for comments, feedback, advice etc, daily. There are several people in the blog that I will mention and to keep things straight I will refer to them with pseudonyms. And please pardon my horrible and many typos in advance. Also apologies for the length of it I have to use multiple posts for this first entry, future entries will be shorter I promise!

I am a 28, soon to be 29 year old woman living in Canada. Growing up, I only ever had monogamous relationships. I was 16 when I had my first boyfriend. We were together for a year, but it was little more than an elevated friendship, it never progressed beyond romance. At 17 I had a new boyfreind, Akira, via a long distance relationship as he lived in a different province from me. The day after my high school prom I flew back with him to him to his province and began a life with him......and his mother. This relationship did not go very well. His mother largely sabotaged my relationship with him and he had alot of issues as well being an adult living with attention deficit disorder, he never really grew out of the mentality of being a 17 year old boy, which made life very difficult for us. Naive as I was I had hoped I could change him and help him overcome alot of those obstacles but quickly learned that that was impossible.

There were several times throughout the course of my relationship with Akira that I was tempted by other men in my life, whom I cared about as well, and had though and daydreams of intimacy with them. Then towards the end of my 9 years with him things began to feel apart. We had tried relationship counseling but Akira did not take it seriously and assumed the only problem with our relationship with that my sex drive was broken and there had to be something wrong me. In the last 5 months of our relationship I met a man online, Bob, and developed a near instant connection with him. We became close friends very quickly and it wasn't long before Bob developed stronger feelings for me which he revealed and I knew I shared, though at that time I did not tell him that. We remained friends, as he felt it was not right to have such feelings for me given I was already in a relationship, albeit a failing one.

Then not long afterwards a situation was forced upon me in my relationship with Akira that I could not deal with and I fled to male friend, Edge's, house for 3 days. During that time, Edge became more than just a friend, he and I had always been close. He was there for me when I needed him and gave me the intimacy I so missed and was lacking in my relationship with my Akira. I was also in touch with Bob during this time. At that time, I wrote off all the feelings of love and intimacy I felt for both Edge and Bob as just e being a desperate girl in a bad situation reaching out for that which I did not have, I did not at the time even remotely think it could be possible, or even okay to love more than one person.

Shortly after my stay with Edge I moved back home to my own province, back in with my parents, living in the basement. I remained in touch with Akira and hoped that some time apart might help mend things between he and I. It was not to be, over the course of a month of bi-weekly phone calls Akira never once asked how I was doing or feeling, though I would often ask about him and he would be quite happy to talk about himself. He never mentioned anything about how he was feeling in regards to our time apart or that he missed me or anything. After that month, and 9 years of knowing who he is and how he thinks I knew it was not going to get any better, and I ended the relationship with Akira. It was probably one of the hardest things I'd ever had to have done at that point in my life, but I recovered quickly because in my heart I had known for a long time that it was over.

A few weeks later, I was free to pursue a relationship with Bob. Bob lives in the southern US, and came up to Canada for my birthday and we hit it off pretty quickly and developed and intimate and sexual relationship. We often talked about the future and what we both wanted for ourselves. We both shared alot of the same goals, to get married one day and have children, and raise a family. We often talked about such things and how it would work and if it could work between he and I. All the while, I still felt and believed that I was a monogamous person. It never crossed my mind otherwise, in fact it wasn't even something I ever thought about, it simply was.

As things turned a bit more serious between Bob and I, we began talking more and more about how it could work between us given he was a US citizen and I was a Canadian one. Bob's coming to Canada and acquiring US citizenship was tricky business as he has a misdemeanor on his record, me moving to the US and acquiring residency there (I would not give up my Canadian status), was also difficult as I would not be able to get a work permit for at least 3 months after being married, and, during the time my residency application was pending I would not be allowed to leave the US, which meant I couldn't visit my family. My family is very important to me and a big part of my life, and I love my country and never wanted to permanently leave it so this made things very difficult for me. Bob set in place a plan where he and I could move to Seattle after being married so as to be as near to my family as possible, which at the time I thought was alright, things frequently aren't real to me until they are upon me, so I was, or at the time thought I was, okay with that.

Never the less things progressed and after two years Bob proposed and I said yes. We set a wedding date, Oct 2010. We picked a location and began plans. I returned home and started working on things from my end with my mother and grandmother. I was very excited. The about around Christmas time, I met John online. At first John and I were just friends, we only talked in the MMO we met in and over im's. We became friends very quickly and we chatted with each often. My wedding plans progressed, Unity candles got decorated, my custom wedding dress was ordered, handmade invitations were sent out, toasters, serving knives, and cake toppers were all bought, and pieces for the table favours were ordered.

Sometime just after Easter John mentioned one of his hobbies to me was Hypnosis and it caught my attention right away and he told me about friends he shared this with. I made a comment about how I didn't think I could be hypnotized and he expressed an interest in trying it with me as he felt that everyone should get to experience it at least once. I was reluctant, but after a few weeks expressed that I'd be willing to let him try it was just a matter of timing as to when I was not spending time with Bob, as Bob and I were on voice chat and webcams daily, I hardly got any time to myself when I was not working. After a while the opportunity presented itself and John text-tranced me for the first time. It was a very interesting experience. He had expressed to me ahead of time that I was always in control and if I didn't like what he was doing I could easily break free of it. He gave me some audio hypnosis tracks to listen to that were for relaxation and for a boost of energy.

I began talking with John on voice not long after he text-tranced me and it wasn't long before he tranced me in voice. I want to make clear here to any readers of this blog that John DID NOT use hypnosis as a means of mind control to force me to have feelings for him. Since that time he and I have had many Hypnosis sessions and they are very enjoyable. We came to know each other a bit better and spent alot of time in our MMO together. I made several new friends through John whom I love dearly and are close to my heart. Things progressed and I soon found an inner conflict within myself, because of feelings developing more than what they should (from a mono stand point) in an engaged woman's heart.

continued in next post

Last edited by Tiana; 09-25-2010 at 05:45 AM. Reason: set post icon
Reply With Quote
 

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:53 PM.