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  #11  
Old 09-24-2010, 07:56 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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For me jealousy is about what needs I don't have met. I need to walk through the many emotions that come up and see what I find out about what I need. Then I need to be honest about what comes up to my partners. It could very well be that you want to be their top man. So be it. Nothing to be ashamed of, although highly unrealistic. It is part of nature after all.

Not talking about it with them is worrying to me. It is your issue, but it is theirs also because it is your shared relationship. I don't think there will be growth and understanding and connection built if you go it alone. You could learn a lot from them about yourself if you allow them to be your mirror. Ask them to ask you questions in the moment, tell them what words you need to hear when they say things that trigger your jealousy. Experiament with what might make it easier for you. Talk about what works out of those times and leave the rest. Most of all, don't be afraid of your jealous feelings. They are a gift in that they show us that we need to address something and make a change to something more comfortable. Learn to appreciate that and use it.

That's my take anyway... There is ton on jealousy here on this forum. Try a tag search or thread search, check out the stickies... Maybe you will find something useful.
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  #12  
Old 09-24-2010, 09:07 AM
nto nto is offline
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I have talked to them about it. The problem that I am running into as I think more about it (Everyone's given me so much to think about) is that I am not allowing myself a choice. I know it bothers me some in itself. But it's amplified by the fact that I have to tolerate it. I can't in all fairness say "Nope. I am vetoing all men." And since I can't, I HAVE to deal with it. Whether I like it or not. I have to force myself to be ok, because to do otherwise is unfair. I have backed myself into a corner, which causes anxiety attacks in me.

As for what I need to hear... "Nevermind." Which really isn't fair to ask. The hostility and anxiety and rage doesn't go away from much else. I know it's probably a leftover from the traditional mono mindset, but what do I do with it? I am too angry to be calmed by much else. It doesn't do a lot of good to be hugged, or told that I am loved when I feel sick and am clenching and unclenching my fists. There's not a lot that helps when an anxiety attack is full on screaming in my brain short of removing the cause. Which doesn't help me learn to deal with it.
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  #13  
Old 09-24-2010, 09:20 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is online now
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Would it help if you had the right to veto some men, but not all? Maybe you could negotiate a list of reasons why you could reject someone... Or a list of characteristics men have to fit for you to accept them...

If you can agree on one, that is, if it's not totally unfair and unbalanced, maybe it will help? The point would be for you to feel secure that the men your partners are dating aren't a threat to you or them (depending on what your fears are about).

Sure, you feel like you wouldn't be okay with any men at all, but maybe you can cut it down to some characteristics? Find what would be okay?

If you really can't, then you'll need to find a solution in yourself... I'm not sure how... But maybe talking about it with a poly-friendly counsellor or therapist might help? If it's a deep-rooted issue, maybe they'll be able to pinpoint it for you. And sometimes just knowing what the problem is can be enough.
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Old 09-24-2010, 01:43 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey NTO,

I think if it were me I'd make a commitment to deal with your anxiety before anything.
Frequent anxiety is a disease (treatable) and it will cloud all your decisions - often making matters worse and mountains out of mole-hills.

In the mean time, get in touch with yourself and just have that conversation with yourself about......

"Ok - I'm anxious and therefore not viewing this situation (whatever it is) clearly and am liable to make a mistake here".

Then go take 20 deep breaths, embrace that conversation, and try to look again at the situation MINUS the emotional (anxiety) component. You'll be surprised how different it looks now - and what you may feel is a more appropriate action.

Overcoming anxiety reactions can take years of practice but it CAN be done. The rewards are well worth it and failure - especially to try (work hard at it) -will make your whole life a living, drama prone hell !

Get to it !@

Good luck.

GS
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  #15  
Old 09-24-2010, 02:39 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Maybe meeting the men that they think are going to be keepers would help. Have you tried that? Sometimes the idea of someone else is bigger in our heads than reality. Meeting someone can dispell the myths that are created about them being a threat. We get to see why our partner would like them and all the things about them that are nontheatening and possibly lovable about them. Sometimes common interests arise that can make them even friendworthy. Things seem to run more smoothly when there is a relationship of some kind between metamours.
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  #16  
Old 09-24-2010, 03:06 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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www.xeromag.com

While not a site for anxiety or anything, it IS a poly/BDSM site. Franklin has some really good articles on there about dealing with jealousy & he does it with a side of humor.

His ideas should get you through the short term but you really should get into a councellor of some sort who deals with anxiety & panic so s/he can give you some overall, & situation specific, coping tools.
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