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Old 09-24-2010, 02:09 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default Mono females & poly lovers

This thread came about as a result of a conversation with a close friend & potential lover (female) the other day.

After reaching a point in our friendship that proposing 'more' seemed appropriate, I received the reaction that I more or less expected. i.e. "I'm a mono minded person but I totally respect your choices and no it will NOT change or affect our friendship".

And it dawned on me - remembering one of our frequent contributors here (Mono) - that it's entirely possible to be very happy being the 'mono' element of an otherwise poly relationship. To hold true to your own beliefs and needs while respecting & loving your lovers for their own personal choice.

So.............

Are there any other females participating here that are equiv ? Are you a mono female in a loving relationship with a poly person and very happy and content in your configuration ?

If so - how did you 'cross that line' ?
What reasoning did you discover that allowed you to see that your own wants and needs might be met regardless of a different set of needs in your partner ?

If an answer to this question emerged I think it could be great resource material for MANY poly folk struggling with the small pool of potential poly loves ?

Thanks for any feedback.

GS
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Old 09-24-2010, 04:45 PM
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Hi

There are a few things about your post I'm not quite clear on but I'll give it a go.

Yes I think I am what your asking about. A mono female in a poly relationship and there are definitely others who regularly contribute to this board. I don't quite understand what you mean by "crossing the line"? I started out as mono, I have played around with the idea of taking on other lovers (male and female) but my heart really isn't in it. My poly partner satisfies me and any other potential relationships that have come into my life have largely felt like shouldering a burden. Is this that what you mean? Getting to the place where you define yourself as mono? On the other hand I do like the idea that if a miraculously wonderful relationship did find its way into my life I would have the freedom to explore it. Does that mean I haven't quite crossed the line? I don't think so, it's just about being open to what the Universe decides to offer up.

The reasoning behind acceptance of differing needs Z feels enriched by other people in his life in an intimate way, whereas I feel drained. Well mostly drained. Let's say I haven't yet got enough out of another relationship to make it worthwhile pursuing. I have a very full life, there really isn't room for any more emotional entanglement. When I did decide to have a bit of an explore I was doing it because I thought it would ease the hurt I still carry around Z being poly. Maybe it was a process I had to go
through in order to cross the line you talk about into being comfortable as a mono in a poly relationship.

Z needs other women in his life, partly because he doesn't relate well to men on level beyond the superficial. I think this has something to do with being raised by a mother and older sister.

I am learning how to love myself.

Oh and I started a whole blog up for mono's in poly relationships. While there are only a few female monos on this forum there are lot of us out there. Most hang out on the mono/poly board at yahoo groups.
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Old 09-24-2010, 07:01 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Great question GS! I hope to see this thread develop. Very interesting possibilities of discovery if the thread takes on life! Here's to hope!

Sage you know I love ya and your posts ALWAYS intrigue me and make me think, can you develop this a wee bit more for me...Z feels enriched by other people in his life in an intimate way, whereas I feel drained. Well mostly drained. What causes the drain? If you get what you need from Z, and he gets what he needs from you/whomever, where does the drain come into play? Is it reflective of you feeling Z should have the same mono need to have only one person fulfill all needs? Or is there some indirect drain on you personally because you feel also a part of Z's other relationship/s?
As always curiosity gets to me.
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Old 09-24-2010, 08:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
Great question GS! I hope to see this thread develop. Very interesting possibilities of discovery if the thread takes on life! Here's to hope!

Sage you know I love ya and your posts ALWAYS intrigue me and make me think, can you develop this a wee bit more for me...Z feels enriched by other people in his life in an intimate way, whereas I feel drained. Well mostly drained. What causes the drain? If you get what you need from Z, and he gets what he needs from you/whomever, where does the drain come into play? Is it reflective of you feeling Z should have the same mono need to have only one person fulfill all needs? Or is there some indirect drain on you personally because you feel also a part of Z's other relationship/s?
As always curiosity gets to me.
I took that statement to mean that sage would feel drained by having more than one intimate relationship in her life, not that Z's poly relationships drain sage.

But maybe I'm wrong!
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Old 09-24-2010, 09:11 PM
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Thanks for your interest MG and yes TP is right. I have so far felt drained by trying to engage in other intimate relationships myself. It is a bit like feeling totally satisfied by a beautiful dinner but forcing yourself to have a second dessert just because someone else is and it looks great. It doesn't add anything just makes you feel heavy and uncomfortable.

Whereas interestingly Z's SO does add something positive to our relationship. Usually anyway; she is very much "in the Now" and does have tendency to leave him hanging emotionally in mid-air (figuratively speaking) which does impact me a bit, but hey nothing is perfect. Off topic that is actually quite interesting. On this board there's a big emphasis on communication. Well their communication is extremely creative and selective. He would never tell her that she hurts him in only giving him time when it suits her because he likes her to continue being this total free spirit. And he likes her to think it doesn't upset him. I suppose that's a feature of secondary relationships: you can create them anyway you want and if it suits you both to only show certain parts of yourself you can. Sorry for that little stream of consciousness. It might be a good idea for a thread for secondaries though?
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Old 09-25-2010, 12:24 AM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
Hi

There are a few things about your post I'm not quite clear on but I'll give it a go.

I don't quite understand what you mean by "crossing the line"?
Hey Sage,

Thanks for giving it a shot. I knew when I wrote this it would probably be fuzzy but was a bit pressed for time.

Maybe the question you posed will be the same that confuses others so thanks for weighing in !

When I spoke of 'crossing the line' here's what I was referring to..........

For the vast majority of people who either identify as 'mono' or who would otherwise be classified such by those who obviously are not, their 'picture' of a relationship includes a one-on-one coupling, complete fidelity (sex & emotion) etc.

But there are those, maybe such as yourself (?) who identify as 'mono' although their partner is NOT. And this 'breaks' the standard model - and yet you find it comfortable and acceptable.

Now it's another fun topic itself to debate whether you can any longer be considered 'mono', but rather than debate this to no point we'll grant you (or anyone) the liberty of holding onto the label. So YOU (etc) are 'mono' by way of only choosing to have a single partner. And although this meets your needs you still have had to deal with all of the primary issues a 'poly' person would - i.e. jealousy, envy, time conflicts etc because of your partner's poly lifestyle.

So how DID you cross that line - from demanding ALL of someone to accepting part of them ?

That seems to be the big, broad line that's so difficult to cross.

If I were to stretch it a bit, I'd say it involves giving up 'control', as that seems to be a primary component of most mono relationships. Ownership.

Hope this helps.........

GS
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Old 09-25-2010, 12:29 AM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
......... I hope to see this thread develop. Very interesting possibilities of discovery if the thread takes on life! Here's to hope!
Thanks MG ! I hope so too.

Because as has been well observed by almost everyone in the lovestyle, there is a severe shortage of ladies available to polys of any gender/orientation.

So it would be helpful possibly to a host of folks to know what steps and mindshifts occurred in an otherwise 'mono' individual to at least take 1 step over the line. Because if more could at least do THAT it could change a lot of dynamics in families & relationships - and I at least feel for the good of all involved !

Guess we'll see

GS
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Old 09-25-2010, 12:38 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post

If I were to stretch it a bit, I'd say it involves giving up 'control', as that seems to be a primary component of most mono relationships. Ownership.



GS
I know this thread is directed at woman based on the title so I'll leave this comment alone, my friend
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Old 09-25-2010, 01:02 AM
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OK so now I get it. If you go and have a look at Kat Tails blog, or the blog of the mono wife in the blogs and lifestyle section, you will see that while we accept we find actually being "comfortable" a lot more difficult. Likewise the mono/poly site but you probably wouldn't want to bother registering.

I would say that most mono women fall in love with a poly before they realise how the implications of that will feel. It's one thing to know it intellectually but a whole different kettle of fish to experience the emotional roller coaster ride. That was my situation. The other typical scenario is that an existing partner falls in love with someone else while still loving the original party.

In both these cases we accept and try to make ourselves comfortable because of the quality of our relationship and the level of love we feel for our poly mate. I think you have to have a certain level of emotional intelligence, open-minded and interest in personal growth.

If we broke up I can't see myself knowingly going into another poly relationship.
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Old 09-25-2010, 01:22 AM
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Just re-read your post and think you are giving underestimating monos a bit. Just because I am mono doesn't mean that I believe that as part of a relationship I get ownership rights over another person. Neither do I need to have control or believe that I can demand that the person I love not experience who he is.

We have tried life as monos and mon/poly and even poly/poly (a little, didn't work)his need to be poly is greater than my need for him to be mono so that is the way we have moved forward.

Love and intelligence will conquer most things.
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