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Old 09-23-2010, 01:51 AM
Calisolara Calisolara is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Northern California
Posts: 10
Default Am I over thinking it?

I have been married to my beautiful husband for thirteen years. He has always been more of the adventurous type and he is the reason I started my first poly relationship. It started as a year long discussion about having a threesome and flirting with an online friend I had for years. I have never been into casual sex and couldn't think about sleeping with someone I didn't have feelings for. After about a year of talking about it with my online friend we decided that he would fly out and we would do it. After that weekend it became apparent that none of us wanted it to stop. My online friend was completely smitten and I adored all the attention he gave me. We kept flying back and forth at least once a month for the six months, sometimes for entire weeks at a time. After six months my online friend decided he was going to be completely monogamous to me. He had slept with two other women without a condom and not informed me. I flipped out. I also had jealously issues at times and he decided that my being happy was more important than him sleeping with other people he didn't have feelings for and not being safe about it. I think thatís when the downhill turn of our relationship happened. He only saw me once a month and he was lonely. The women he casually dated filled the loneliness in his life. We broke up after a year of dating with him stating the reasons that he didn't want to be the second person to my husband, he couldn't live the rest of his life this way. He wants a wife thatís just his and more children. He didn't want to get me pregnant and have my husband be unhappy about it. He couldn't handle the jealously he had of my husband or the long distance relationship anymore. He also couldn't handle the emotional needs I had.

The break up was devastating to me. I had known this man for four years and in one year we had tore our friendship and our love apart. It knocked me off my feet to where I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. My husband took it hard. He didn't like that another man had that affect on me, and for the first time in our lives he was jealous. He was never a jealous man and suddenly the jealous and insecurity bug got him. He felt like no person other than him should make me not want to get out of bed in the morning with a broken heart. My husband had to deploy and I was still broken hearted when he left. I decided the best place for me was a different state with my family. I am not open about my first poly relationship with all my family, I just told them I was ill and needed help. They were very accommodating to keep me company.

After being there for about three months I was introduced to a man that my sister knew. My sister who doesn't know about my previous poly relationship and who I would never be open with. I was instantly attracted to him. I am very picky with men, but he did it for me. He had a monogamous relationship with a girlfriend. He kept telling everyone they were breaking up though because she is moving away for school and they both don't want a long distance relationship. I brushed it off because I am not entirely over my other relationship anyway. We ended up exchanging numbers and a few days later I texted him one of those random things you get from friends and you forward on to other friends because itís funny. He texted me back right away and told me I should go with my sister on a trip they were taking together that weekend. I accepted. We had an amazing time in Reno and really connected. I told him about my heartbreak I had recently and became open about being poly. I could tell he was completely infatuated. I still kept him at a distance. Some time passed and we were spending all our free time together and cuddling and texting non-stop. He still had a girlfriend and I had never been the "other woman". Eventually we kissed and things went further. I told him all I wanted from him is to talk to him occasionally and see each other when we can. I didn't want him to be another boyfriend and risk getting hurt the way I did the first time. After awhile it became apparent his feelings were intense and he had a hard time figuring those out. He just kept telling me "I care about you way more then I should." We texted each other all the time. When it was time for me to go back home and to my husband coming home he expressed having a hard time with it. He said he had felt like I was his girl all this time and it will be different when I leave with my husband coming home and the long distance. He said once again he doesn't do long distance relationship this will be hard. A day or two after I went home his girlfriend and him broke up. I felt responsible and was worried that if he is attached to me he would get lonely without someone in his life and he would end up breaking up with me for the same reasons the first guy did. I had been trying to keep this guy not serious like my first boyfriend. I don't want to be hurt the way I was the first time and he doesn't want to be my boyfriend. He drove up the 13 hours to see me a few weeks later before my husband got home. His feelings didn't seem to change over the few weeks of separation and he still was texting me all day long with occasional phone calls.

My husband got home and things stayed the same for the first two weeks and then over night I started getting fewer texts. Itís been this way for two weeks. I am very unhappy with the lack of communication. I feel like there is so much distance in our communication and it felt like we were so close. He still initiates texts, saying good morning almost every day. If he doesn't say good morning to me I don't text him until he says something to me. Eventually he always so far does say something to get my attention. Today it was a random "rawr". I asked him if there was something wrong, or if he was interested in someone and putting that attention there. He said no.. the he is a person that whatever is in his face he pays attention to and I am far away. He said itís hard to maintain a long distance relationship and they never work. He said he promised me that he would tell me if he started dating anyone else and that hasn't changed. I am concerned with the lack of attention. We have only been dating for almost three months and I feel like the crazy I want to spend all my time with you shouldn't have changed so soon. I feel like it has because he doesn't text all the time. I think about everything and analyze everything so much.. am I overreacting? I feel like he basically doesn't act normal for several days and then he surprises me and starts being the way he has been since the day I met him. I feel like mixed signals are going back and forth between getting the blow off vibe I am not as interested anymore to "I miss you baby.. you miss me?"

I can't tell if itís a symptom of my husband coming home and jealous, distance, or if he has fickle feelings. Itís bugging the crap out of me. I am going to be in his area for the next two weeks this coming weekend and hoping I figure things out, but the wait is bugging me. I am also moving to his area in five months so I don't want to say right away he is not into long distance so letís end it. He has been really great to me before now
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