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Old 09-23-2010, 01:51 AM
Calisolara Calisolara is offline
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Default Am I over thinking it?

I have been married to my beautiful husband for thirteen years. He has always been more of the adventurous type and he is the reason I started my first poly relationship. It started as a year long discussion about having a threesome and flirting with an online friend I had for years. I have never been into casual sex and couldn't think about sleeping with someone I didn't have feelings for. After about a year of talking about it with my online friend we decided that he would fly out and we would do it. After that weekend it became apparent that none of us wanted it to stop. My online friend was completely smitten and I adored all the attention he gave me. We kept flying back and forth at least once a month for the six months, sometimes for entire weeks at a time. After six months my online friend decided he was going to be completely monogamous to me. He had slept with two other women without a condom and not informed me. I flipped out. I also had jealously issues at times and he decided that my being happy was more important than him sleeping with other people he didn't have feelings for and not being safe about it. I think thatís when the downhill turn of our relationship happened. He only saw me once a month and he was lonely. The women he casually dated filled the loneliness in his life. We broke up after a year of dating with him stating the reasons that he didn't want to be the second person to my husband, he couldn't live the rest of his life this way. He wants a wife thatís just his and more children. He didn't want to get me pregnant and have my husband be unhappy about it. He couldn't handle the jealously he had of my husband or the long distance relationship anymore. He also couldn't handle the emotional needs I had.

The break up was devastating to me. I had known this man for four years and in one year we had tore our friendship and our love apart. It knocked me off my feet to where I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. My husband took it hard. He didn't like that another man had that affect on me, and for the first time in our lives he was jealous. He was never a jealous man and suddenly the jealous and insecurity bug got him. He felt like no person other than him should make me not want to get out of bed in the morning with a broken heart. My husband had to deploy and I was still broken hearted when he left. I decided the best place for me was a different state with my family. I am not open about my first poly relationship with all my family, I just told them I was ill and needed help. They were very accommodating to keep me company.

After being there for about three months I was introduced to a man that my sister knew. My sister who doesn't know about my previous poly relationship and who I would never be open with. I was instantly attracted to him. I am very picky with men, but he did it for me. He had a monogamous relationship with a girlfriend. He kept telling everyone they were breaking up though because she is moving away for school and they both don't want a long distance relationship. I brushed it off because I am not entirely over my other relationship anyway. We ended up exchanging numbers and a few days later I texted him one of those random things you get from friends and you forward on to other friends because itís funny. He texted me back right away and told me I should go with my sister on a trip they were taking together that weekend. I accepted. We had an amazing time in Reno and really connected. I told him about my heartbreak I had recently and became open about being poly. I could tell he was completely infatuated. I still kept him at a distance. Some time passed and we were spending all our free time together and cuddling and texting non-stop. He still had a girlfriend and I had never been the "other woman". Eventually we kissed and things went further. I told him all I wanted from him is to talk to him occasionally and see each other when we can. I didn't want him to be another boyfriend and risk getting hurt the way I did the first time. After awhile it became apparent his feelings were intense and he had a hard time figuring those out. He just kept telling me "I care about you way more then I should." We texted each other all the time. When it was time for me to go back home and to my husband coming home he expressed having a hard time with it. He said he had felt like I was his girl all this time and it will be different when I leave with my husband coming home and the long distance. He said once again he doesn't do long distance relationship this will be hard. A day or two after I went home his girlfriend and him broke up. I felt responsible and was worried that if he is attached to me he would get lonely without someone in his life and he would end up breaking up with me for the same reasons the first guy did. I had been trying to keep this guy not serious like my first boyfriend. I don't want to be hurt the way I was the first time and he doesn't want to be my boyfriend. He drove up the 13 hours to see me a few weeks later before my husband got home. His feelings didn't seem to change over the few weeks of separation and he still was texting me all day long with occasional phone calls.

My husband got home and things stayed the same for the first two weeks and then over night I started getting fewer texts. Itís been this way for two weeks. I am very unhappy with the lack of communication. I feel like there is so much distance in our communication and it felt like we were so close. He still initiates texts, saying good morning almost every day. If he doesn't say good morning to me I don't text him until he says something to me. Eventually he always so far does say something to get my attention. Today it was a random "rawr". I asked him if there was something wrong, or if he was interested in someone and putting that attention there. He said no.. the he is a person that whatever is in his face he pays attention to and I am far away. He said itís hard to maintain a long distance relationship and they never work. He said he promised me that he would tell me if he started dating anyone else and that hasn't changed. I am concerned with the lack of attention. We have only been dating for almost three months and I feel like the crazy I want to spend all my time with you shouldn't have changed so soon. I feel like it has because he doesn't text all the time. I think about everything and analyze everything so much.. am I overreacting? I feel like he basically doesn't act normal for several days and then he surprises me and starts being the way he has been since the day I met him. I feel like mixed signals are going back and forth between getting the blow off vibe I am not as interested anymore to "I miss you baby.. you miss me?"

I can't tell if itís a symptom of my husband coming home and jealous, distance, or if he has fickle feelings. Itís bugging the crap out of me. I am going to be in his area for the next two weeks this coming weekend and hoping I figure things out, but the wait is bugging me. I am also moving to his area in five months so I don't want to say right away he is not into long distance so letís end it. He has been really great to me before now
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Old 09-23-2010, 04:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Calisolara View Post
a symptom of my husband coming home and jealous
I think it's this... has he met your husband? That might help. Sometimes it makes it very clear if someone is seriously consider having a poly relationship with you. It sounds like he is used to monogamy and thinks of you as cheating on your husband. If he could see that it's possible and that you are serious, maybe that is all it would take to help him decide one way or the other...

He might not want to be involved again and realizes he doesn't have to if you are far away. It could also be that his desire has worn off and he realizes there isn't much left, especially that you are far away.

It's hard to say until you talk to him about it all. Be honest and respectful and start the ball rolling. It sounds like that might be coming up. Good luck.
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Old 09-23-2010, 05:36 AM
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As Beautiful Redpepper says, maybe he is used to monogamy. Meeting your husband would be a great step forward if he's serious. If he is monogamous however that could pose an almost impossoble hurdle. Mono/poly is never easy at first even when you see each other every day. I can't think of any long distance one though.

Go really slow and don't let yourself invest too much too fast. Protect your heart.
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Old 09-23-2010, 06:25 AM
Calisolara Calisolara is offline
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They have not met each other yet, and I am hoping that fixes issues on my husbands side. He has been feeling a bit insecure at times and I have had to give him lots of reassurance. Our first poly relationship has made him uneasy about me falling in love with anyone. He doesn't want to see me torn up over anyone. He also met our first relationship guy on the first night we were together, I am not sure if that helps with jealously issues or not. I married a man who has never been jealous of what I do till now. Its been rough readjusting to him.

The meeting between the two will happen this weekend. Since my guy is a good friend of my family he is always invited to all our gatherings. I am nervous about the whole thing honestly. All my family and friends around, some of them knowing what is going on and some not. Hubby meet boyfriend. Boyfriend meet hubby and all of my husband's family.... now lets have fun?!?!? Can't I just hide under the table? I think it would of been easier if they met upfront, but that wasn't possible with the deployment.

This whole thing has me questioning about getting involved with anyone who has not been previously in a poly relationship. Does anyone know of it ever working out with mono people for long term relationships?
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Old 09-23-2010, 06:30 AM
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Does anyone know of it ever working out with mono people for long term relationships?
Almost two years for us and we're moving in together soon. There are other long term ones we know as well. Ciel Du Matin on here for example. The thing is they are not Long Distance. I wouldn't survive in that I will admit. But that is only my opinion
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Old 09-23-2010, 06:34 AM
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Thier is also Trucker Pete's love who is on here..again not LDR though.
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Old 09-23-2010, 09:38 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Calisolara View Post
My husband got home and things stayed the same for the first two weeks and then over night I started getting fewer texts. Itís been this way for two weeks. I am very unhappy with the lack of communication. I feel like there is so much distance in our communication and it felt like we were so close. He still initiates texts, saying good morning almost every day. If he doesn't say good morning to me I don't text him until he says something to me. Eventually he always so far does say something to get my attention. Today it was a random "rawr". I asked him if there was something wrong, or if he was interested in someone and putting that attention there. He said no.. the he is a person that whatever is in his face he pays attention to and I am far away. He said itís hard to maintain a long distance relationship and they never work. He said he promised me that he would tell me if he started dating anyone else and that hasn't changed
Distance is tough, I am in a new long distance relationship and it can be interesting to say the least. My experience has its own mileage so usage may vary.

1 - throw out everything you know about relationships. The ideal of date, fuck, date, make love, date, in relationship...or however yours would be designed is out the window. You have to take any and all stages you can, when they come.

2 - keep in touch in ways that you can. Texting is fine, but impersonal. I personally need to talk or see my gf often. We try NOT to do pre-prescribed times as they tend not to work. She and I both have lives so we do things with a little bit of flare. We do try to talk once a day, because we are at a stage where our relationship has really jumpstarted but distance puts things like that on hold. We need time to touch, feel and connect...but can't. Time online helps us immensely.

3 - throw out relationship expectations when it comes to time touching etc. Spouses around, kids, work etc. You may want, when in the same vicinity, to completely be absorbed in your partner. But that fire will be noticed by people around you. Regardless how comfortable someone is, that may burn a little bright sometimes.

4 - this one is odd to say early in a relationship. But having the goal/potential of living close together at some point is important. As long as everyone realizes this isn't an expectation, if there is a chance that someday it may not be LD, thats an important mental roadblock.

5 - you have to find ways to make your connection more personal and intimate without the ability to touch. No one can tell you how to do it.

I refuse to believe they don't work now. I have learned a lot in the last 5 months or so. I was right there with your potential partner. But I have changed my tune. I fell in love online and ld, and it has as much potential as any other. It does take work, and different kinds of work than a regular relationship.

As for him getting cold. He could be protecting himself. If he puts himself out there to far and the distance is the reason it fails, it will hurt and prove his point. He is likely widthdrawing to protect what he has from being hurt by the husband coming home and the distance.

Maybe you need to get him on the horn and discuss, in detail. If you find you have a hard time organizing thoughts, write them out. You have to be confident you wont scare him away and be comfortable with the fact he may never be comfortable with a poly LD relationship. But it would be better to know for sure instead of guessing

Ari

Your friend may need to re-examine the potential in a LD...keeping in mind I am married, so physical needs of a relationship to some degree are always fullfilled. If I were single I would have a difficult time with a committed LD relationship. But when I am single, I am very mobile, if the relationship looks good to me, I would just pick up and move. I am not tied to any location past "must live near mountains"...
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Old 09-23-2010, 09:40 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by Calisolara View Post
They have not met each other yet, and I am hoping that fixes issues on my husbands side. He has been feeling a bit insecure at times and I have had to give him lots of reassurance. Our first poly relationship has made him uneasy about me falling in love with anyone. He doesn't want to see me torn up over anyone. He also met our first relationship guy on the first night we were together, I am not sure if that helps with jealously issues or not. I married a man who has never been jealous of what I do till now. Its been rough readjusting to him.

The meeting between the two will happen this weekend. Since my guy is a good friend of my family he is always invited to all our gatherings. I am nervous about the whole thing honestly. All my family and friends around, some of them knowing what is going on and some not. Hubby meet boyfriend. Boyfriend meet hubby and all of my husband's family.... now lets have fun?!?!? Can't I just hide under the table? I think it would of been easier if they met upfront, but that wasn't possible with the deployment.
Wow thats some pressure. Can't you meet before the family thing. Have him flyu in a day early and do dinner or something?

Quote:
This whole thing has me questioning about getting involved with anyone who has not been previously in a poly relationship. Does anyone know of it ever working out with mono people for long term relationships?
As mono mentioned there are a few. Its an interesting dynamic.. But being LD and Mono with a poly relationship...well...as I mentioned up there ^...that would be tough...
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Old 09-23-2010, 09:56 PM
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You might try doing a tag search for LDR and mono/poly. There is a lot on here about both. Or check the stickies to see if they offer something up.
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Old 09-23-2010, 10:05 PM
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Another thought. Your idea of "working" might be different than his or others in general. For some, a short term fling of intensity is what they consider having had a "working" relationship. Maybe he was good with the time you had and that was it, where as you don't consider that the relationship, just the beginning part. Maybe he doesn't consider long distance relationships valid or worth it and you do. All to find out.
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