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Old 09-22-2010, 06:27 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603

I feel like I'm on the verge of a meltdown today. My time is being used up in my week off from derby doing things that I don't really want to be doing. I had to go out yesterday evening and meet my mother in law's cousin (because my mother in law wanted to show off the grandkids). I had already made arrangements to take the kids to the park with some friends (which we all wanted to do) and that had to be cut short. I'm not the best with having my plans changed. I like to know what's happening and then I like things to go as planned.

I guess this is part of the saying no thing that I think I'm so good at. Apparently it turns out that I'm great at saying no to strangers and those I don't have any emotional investment with but I'll go along with what those I care about want to do because I feel a sense of obligation. I guess I either have to suck it up and do things willingly and without resentment or I have to speak up and say that I have plans and that they can't be changed on a whim. More stuff to work on I guess.

Hmmm but I have no problem with telling my husband that I'm not willing to do things for the most part. So I guess there's a level of intimacy somewhere in the middle that I worry about upsetting people by telling them no. Or more to the point I worry about not being accepted and cared for if I rock the boat. I guess if I had a really clear idea of what I did want it would be easier to say no to the things that I don't want to do.

For example Friday is my friend's birthday party and it's a surprise. To begin with everything was pretty smooth and I was excited to go and hang out. Then her partner and I were trying to figure out how to get childcare for her son worked out (I had volunteered to find a sitter for all 3 kids, and I have one) but the only way she could make it work was to drop my friend's son off at 4, which means I have to leave work an hour early. Then I find out that it's not only the surprise party but that everyone is expected to go out on the town afterwards with them (very strongly implied). The thing is that I have 3 kids in my house who are going to get me up at the crack of dawn and a party of my own to prepare for the next night. This is one of those places where I haven't been able to say no (at least to the early drop off childcare part). For my own sanity I better not go out on the town though. I want this to be a fun birthday experience for my friend and I don't want to be there being a downer because I'm feeling resentful about not being able to say no.

Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
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anticipation, anxiety, emotions, nervous

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