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Old 09-20-2010, 02:19 AM
figuringitout figuringitout is offline
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Hello everyone. I am new here and need some help and insight. I guess what I really want to know is how can one be sure whether they are just done with their relationship or if they are poly? I feel like a fake, and a poser and I don't know what to do. I have been married for 5 years (but living together for 11) to my DH. I started to fall for this other man and so told DH about it and asked him if he would be willing to think about a poly relationship. He was all for it, given that he has always felt a strong lean that direction. So anyway...I have been feeling (but denying and refusing to believe that I felt) like things had changed with my DH for a while now. I love him and always will. We have a child together and I adore him. But, I don't feel like I used to. I want to share raising our daughter together and I feel like i want to be his best friend, but a lot of the mushy stuff is gone. I just don't feel it anymore. Add to that the NRE feelings with this new man (who is by the way, very mono) and I just feel like I am living a lie here by saying that I am poly. I feel like I am wanting a relationship with the new man, but not wanting to break my DHs heart (b/c I do still care about him) or hurt our kid. I have told DH all of this, and he assures me that it's early, and I should just keep on keeping on and see what happens, but it feels like a charade. Help me?
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Old 09-20-2010, 02:35 AM
Vexxed Vexxed is offline
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I can see where you are coming from. You are comparing the feeling of NRE with the new man to the relationship with your husband in which you no longer feel the "mushy stuff".

Here's a question, do you still desire your husband sexually? I'm assuming you are using the term "mushy stuff" in place of infatuation, flirtation, and possibly even romance.

Others here will provide you with great advice.
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Old 09-20-2010, 05:14 AM
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I agree with your DH, it's early days yet and I think you should wait a good couple to three years to see where you are at. I have a similar situation to you in that I have a husband (PN) and child and now a boyfriend that is mono (Mono). I have been deep in my NRE with this man and feel very passionate and bonded with him. With my husband I love him, but it is the attachment I love about him, rather than the lust and passion... there is nothing wrong with that at all, that is not a facade. The two types of love are valid and to be cherished. I decided to cherish them and it has made me feel much more whole.

This link might help with the understanding of love... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...t=helen+fisher

There are other interesting threads on here that might help... if you do a search on love you may find some. A tag search might work best.
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Old 09-20-2010, 10:13 PM
figuringitout figuringitout is offline
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Well, the truth is that I don't really desire DH sexually anymore...not the way I once did. I mean, I have the physical reactions that show that I am having a good time when we have sex...but as far as that yerning...not so much. I hate that I feel this way. What do I do?
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Old 09-20-2010, 11:12 PM
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I don't know how this relates to poly relationships, but it seems to me that most monogamous relationships start with a big, NRE-based sexual bang, and then settle into sort of a 'routine sex' situation. Where you typically desire sex much less than initially, but you still do it fairly regularly, although nobody enjoys it all that much. That yearning? I suspect its fairly rare in mature relationships.

That doesn't mean the relationship is no good, imo, just means its in a different place. Less sex, but often much more depth, in that you know and love each other so well.

But only you, and time, can answer whether you're really mono and done with DH romantically, or poly and having bigtime NRE.


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Old 09-21-2010, 02:42 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anotherbo View Post
I don't know how this relates to poly relationships, but it seems to me that most monogamous relationships start with a big, NRE-based sexual bang, and then settle into sort of a 'routine sex' situation. Where you typically desire sex much less than initially, but you still do it fairly regularly, although nobody enjoys it all that much. That yearning? I suspect its fairly rare in mature relationships.

That doesn't mean the relationship is no good, imo, just means its in a different place. Less sex, but often much more depth, in that you know and love each other so well.

But only you, and time, can answer whether you're really mono and done with DH romantically, or poly and having bigtime NRE.


Anotherbo
Yeah that! Mushy stuff goes away until you bring it back with effort on both sides.

How is your relationship with your husband otherwise? Sometimes, making the effort to do some of the little things like touching, texting during the day and other stuff you reserved for when you were dating, brings back some of the warm fussy feelings, but it usually isn't the same NRE feeling when it was new.
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Old 09-21-2010, 03:09 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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It seems to me it could be either way from what you are saying, but I'm leaning towards "you are poly and just getting used to dealing with it".

The NRE can make you feel like the ORE is tame in comparison. But the Old Relationship Energy, if you have it, is something to take into account. The way you know each other, understand each other, feel like he's part of your life.

Can you sincerely imagine breaking up with him without the idea making you sad, and feeling like this would be a mistake?

Your relationship with your DH doesn't have to be the same as it used to be. I would even say, there is NO WAY for it to stay the same as it used to be. You are in a different stage now. That doesn't mean it is over. That means the previous stage is over. The difference between your NRE and your ORE might make you feel like your first relationship is dying, but I think it probably isn't the case.

Having a boyfriend and NRE with him, while having a husband as well, I can definitely understand why so many people leave a relationship for the newer one. Not that I would ever do it myself, but the NRE can definitely cloud your judgement. Everything you feel or do for the new person makes you focus on the fact you don't feel or do it for the other one. Or not in the same way. Or you remember how it used to be with your husband but isn't anymore.
But that's normal. Relationships change and evolve, but it is still love, even if it takes a different shape. I think it's important not to break up with someone during your NRE, and wait until it's passed. THEN, you'll be able to tell if your relationship is over or not, but right now you're too likely to make a rash decision, I believe.

Note to Rag: no, I'm not having doubts about our relationship. But I have had a few times when I, too, went all "what if I'm not poly? What if it's just that this relationship isn't working out?" both when I didn't have anyone else in mind and after I had a boyfriend.
I think there is overwhelming evidence that I am in fact poly and that our relationship is working, but even I still had these doubts every so often, so I can totally relate to the OP. It's very easy to second guess yourself, especially when you've been raised to believe in the norm.
Actually I think Rag too experienced that. When he developed feelings for his interest, J, he first thought it was a sign that there was some problem with our relationship.
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Old 09-21-2010, 06:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by figuringitout View Post
Well, the truth is that I don't really desire DH sexually anymore...not the way I once did. I mean, I have the physical reactions that show that I am having a good time when we have sex...but as far as that yerning...not so much. I hate that I feel this way. What do I do?
Maybe it's time to leave him then. Seriously, maybe you don't love him any more. Maybe it has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with not feeling any love for him anymore. I would gather that in that you made no further mention of love.

You sound pretty set that you need to feel a different way NOW... again, what of waiting... you just started out...! what's the rush to have all of it figured out? Even you partner is telling you that.
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Old 09-21-2010, 09:04 PM
figuringitout figuringitout is offline
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Thank you all for your responses and assistance. This is a hard place to be, and I'm not sure how to breathe most days. It helps a bit to have somewhere to come and vent. I am thankful.
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Old 09-21-2010, 09:32 PM
figuringitout figuringitout is offline
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and now after taking some time to sit with the responses, I think I can respond more clearly.

RP,
thanks for the blunt comments. I think the reasons I am not leaving are:
1. I do care for him and he doesn't want our relationship to end, and I don't want to hurt him more than he is already hurting.
2. The fact that we have a child together. Our daughter means the world to both of us and I don't want to destroy their relationship.
3. I feel like it would be such a disappointment to so many people who know and love us and our relationship (stupid reason, huh?).
4. I'm scared that this is all NRE and then I will regret it later.

I do think that I still love him, but I'm struggling with whether I love him as a friend or more than that. It is hard to just sit and wait because of lots of factors, but primarily because I want to see where the other relationship is going. I want to give it everything I have, I want to let myself submerge in it, and I can't do that now. I do know that that is probably NRE talking, but it's strong and deep and hard. The connection I feel with this other man is beyond anything I have ever felt and I hate not being able to let it run its course. I am finding myself resentful of the time I have set aside for my DH, and I don't like feeling that way. Is all of this normal? help.

Tonberry,
I can imagine not being married to him anymore and it only makes me sad for him and our child, not for me. If I were to think of never having him in my life at ALL anymore, then yes, that would make me feel sad. Not sure if it would feel like a mistake though. I will keep thinking on that. Thanks for the thoughts.
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