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  #11  
Old 09-21-2010, 03:41 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Is this different in poly than in "real life"...I can usually tell when something is said in confidence vs public information. So I tend to keep it to myself. Also if there is any doubt if it is public vs private, I default to private unless told otherwise.
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  #12  
Old 09-21-2010, 03:51 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Full transparent disclosure...removes somethign intimate I think.

Still thinking on it myself. This is an interesting topic. I am all over full communication, but that is VERY different than full disclosure.
I suppose "Full" disclosure could be a bit much, YET I think that it is important for C to realize that there is a bond of trust between my hubby and myself far BIGGER than she will ever be able to realize. So, when she asks him for coffee or over to her place etc., the reality is that he will tell me. AND I think it is important for her to know that he will tell me, because ultimately that will either build bridges or barriers to OUR level of trust.

Do you know what I mean?

It seems that there are not too many 'quasi' triads on the board....and I imagine that is because they are so tricky to navigate, and ultimately fail.

It is a very surreal experience to be BFFs one minute, baking cakes together, and all in bed together the next. It is sort of like switching a light on and off.

My other girlfriends in my life have established a level of trust that is rich and deep....over many years. For C, due to the circumstances, I am not sure if we will ever get there. It's sort of sad but I am taking it in stride (trying) and reciting, 'it is what it is'....a very FUN loving relationship that for the most part makes me feel good, and at other times, drives me insane!!

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  #13  
Old 09-21-2010, 03:55 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I think it depends on two things ... Trust and intent.

For example, my anxiety and depression at times cause a large amount of strain on Indigo and our relationship. If he has a partner who can help with this, then that is a good thing.

That said, it's all in how Indigo presents the issue. If he vents to a third party about me with no intention of seeking advice, that could be hurtful. I say could, because he has every right to vent. But would I feel good about him venting to anyone he hasn't known very long, regardless of whether they're a friend or a love interest? Absolutely not. It would be a betrayal to me. If he needed to vent to someone he has been close to for longer, or someone I trust, well that is entirely different.

If talking is for constructive purposes, then I give him free reign. I trust him not to paint me in an evil light, and really do welcome input that could potentially help our relationship!

Our loves should be our friends. I think it's important for everyone to realize that sometimes we all need to lean on a friend for support, potentially in areas that might not be any of their "business". I trust Indigo to lean on the right people.
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  #14  
Old 09-21-2010, 04:09 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
I suppose "Full" disclosure could be a bit much, YET I think that it is important for C to realize that there is a bond of trust between my hubby and myself far BIGGER than she will ever be able to realize. So, when she asks him for coffee or over to her place etc., the reality is that he will tell me. AND I think it is important for her to know that he will tell me, because ultimately that will either build bridges or barriers to OUR level of trust.

Do you know what I mean?
I do, but thats ENTIRELY different than said girlfriend going on a date with someone else, telling your hubby some details that apply to them only and you requesting to know all the details of THAT conversation or set of actions.

Thats just an example of what I am referring to.

Now in your case, what if he and the gf did something private and intimate. I don't know the workings of your relationship. But does he disclose everything? I would find that to restrictive as a third.

I don't put pressure on what can and can't be said. But I think I assume there are intimacies about the relationship that my gf and I own to ourselves. Pengrah and W have things they have to themselves (in regards to what I know). I like it that way.

Obviously its not for everyone, just giving my personal examples
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  #15  
Old 09-21-2010, 04:21 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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A couple of thoughts,....

- I think disclosure and privacy, is very relationship and person specific. While some people can easily get along with metamours and like them as a person, others can`t. Others don`t trust their partners, other partners. Wether thats a true dishonesty they feel, or just people not seeing eye to eye, this can alter the need for full disclosure.

- The other thing is that disclosure and privacy can ebb and flow. During insecure times, a partner may want to know more then normal about their loves other partners. When things find balance again, the need to grill and drill should wane a bit in a healthy relationship.

- Pollypocket,... I can understand that you want her to see that there are no secrets between your husband and yourself. But if your trust is far bigger then she can ever realize, it`ll be moot trying to show her . She might end up dismissing it, which would be counter-productive. Sometimes we need to get down on our knees, reach people at a level they understand, and help them rise up to a higher level. Just food for thought there.


I believe fully in my right to some privacy. As everyone has stated it`s tricky knowing when to disclose something, and when to keep it private. I always hope and count on the fact that a combo of efforts will direct me. How I feel emotionally about the issue. How I see others reacting, and the last tidbit, ...forecasting the benefits of any such information.

I wont be able to do this perfectly, but it helps.
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  #16  
Old 09-21-2010, 04:56 PM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
A couple of thoughts,....

- Pollypocket,... I can understand that you want her to see that there are no secrets between your husband and yourself. But if your trust is far bigger then she can ever realize, it`ll be moot trying to show her . She might end up dismissing it, which would be counter-productive. Sometimes we need to get down on our knees, reach people at a level they understand, and help them rise up to a higher level. Just food for thought there.
Not quite sure what you mean, Superjast.

Hubby is going to tell C, that we disclose almost everything to each other. She has seen this so it shouldn't come as a big surprise. I honestly think that she has never had this level of trust with ANYone in her life, so it is quite a foreign concept. Maybe I do try to teach too much. Who knows?

After a luscious weekend, she contacted hubby yesterday and asked to meet for coffee....the weird thing is, I would have been fine with it, but Hubby said to her, "everything is going so well now, why would we want to mess it up by a secret meeting". Now, bare in mind, that we are a 'quasi triad' which seems to be rather unique and has different rules than him just meeting her and me meeting someone else....although, I still think that the BEST way to avert heartache is by telling the truth and having a plan. Like, "hey, C wants to have a coffee with me this morning, do you mind?" Or better yet, "C wants to meet me for a coffee tomorrow, do you mind?"

It sounds a little 'controlish' but I think, as the wife that has opened her heart and home to a third, I can be okay with that. Right?

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  #17  
Old 09-21-2010, 09:39 PM
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I think information is for sharing... not necessarily with names attached but for understanding and getting support.

I'm not sure what kind of info you are talking about so this might not be valid, but I will bring it up anyways, in case it is valid.

I think that there needs to be a word for talking about others with the understanding that it is to understand them better and to know how to support them. "Gossip" is not the word for me. I talk about people all the time in the spirit of loving them and trying to understand where I fit with them, how I can be there for them and when I should just back away. I would hope that others do the same with me.

"Gossip" is negative talk to defame a person as far as my definition goes. This is not what I do, unless I need to have a good vent before getting to the root of what I am going off for and then sorting it out so I can reach a place of understanding and empathy... reach a place where I can move forward. Gossiping doesn't move anyone forward, it shackles people and that is just plan unfair and hurtful to me.

I think that all too often in our culture we are made to think that keeping our mouths shut about hard stuff is the way to go. I disagree. Its the hard stuff that is what NEEDS to be talked about.

Sure, it's uncomfortable to talk about, and sometimes the timing is off which makes it awkward or we feel bad about talking behind someones back, or we just think that in telling another we are betraying trust... if it's to sort something out for ourselves then should we not talk about it? Isn't that what open and honest communication is about?

I would feel far more respected if I knew people were talking about me behind my back in the spirit of understanding me and getting to know me. I love that! I would feel offended, betrayed, disrespected and overwhelmed with my vulnerability if I knew someone was gossiping about me in accordance to my definition of the word.
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  #18  
Old 09-21-2010, 09:52 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

I think that there needs to be a word for talking about others with the understanding that it is to understand them better and to know how to support them. .
I think disclosing this desire and habit of talking about others would be an important part of building new friendships. Some people may not want thier information shared and therefore may chose not to invest deeply if they think what is shared with you will be passed on to others without consent.

Not using names is only effective in very large communities. In smaller circles people can logically figure out who you are talking to. And again, this would not be fiar to a person who expects privacy.
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  #19  
Old 09-21-2010, 10:04 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I think disclosing this desire and habit of talking about others would be an important part of building new friendships. Some people may not want thier information shared and therefore may chose not to invest deeply if they think what is shared with you will be passed on to others without consent.

Not using names is only effective in very large communities. In smaller circles people can logically figure out who you are talking to. And again, this would not be fiar to a person who expects privacy.
Fair enough, but I don't tend to make someone obvious by talking to people who know the person I am talking about unless I think that they have info that could be helpful and have that persons best interest at heart also. It really depends on the nature of the concerns. There are definitely concessions..
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  #20  
Old 09-22-2010, 02:26 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Sean has told me he has no secrets from me, and no secrets from Rag. I can repeat everything I want. It doesn't mean I say everything, sometimes it's just not relevant.
I was actually worried about that when talking to a girl friend. We tend to share everything, and I wasn't sure how comfortable Sean was with that. I asked him and he said "it's girl talk, tell her whatever you want", and he did mean including details about our sex life, personal stuff about him, etc.

I don't hide things from either Rag or Sean, but I guess I wouldn't want them to repeat them to everyone. But I'm in a relationship of not keeping secrets with either. Now if either one had a secret, I wouldn't share it with the other without their consent. But I tend to like the idea that I don't have to hide things from them. Doesn't mean I have to say everything either, of course.
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