Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-08-2010, 07:37 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

I know we're not voting on this or anything, and this isn't some sort of court of poly opinion, but this does sound very unhealthy to me in several ways.

It would be one thing if you were content with this arrangement, but it seems very obvious that you are not.

This has to be good for both of you, otherwise it is, by definition, one-sided. And from the way you have characterised your relationship with him, you obviously feel that it's not in terribly good shape.

I'm not sure if you have heard the old crutch about married life "well, we are having lots of problems so we're going to have a child - that'll make things better."

Well, there's a poly version that is done quite often: "Relationship broken, add more people". It very very rarely works. Most poly people, when they see the sort of situation like you have, and are being "wooed" would run a mile. If they didn't, they would just get dragged into the drama, being forced to take sides, or becoming a punching bag for both - a way to redirect their anger at each other to someone else.

My advice would be that you both forget about bringing anyone else in, and first decide whether the tow of you can have a happy, functioning relationship, even if that is in the expectation that someone may come in in the future. If you can't get to that point, then maybe you should consider going your separate ways.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
Old 09-21-2010, 01:37 AM
surfer surfer is offline
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 6
Default thinking about new beginnings

Hello again. I posted here about 6 months ago, saying I'm in a mono marriage but realizing that I'm poly. Wanted to update y'all and maybe get some input from people who have been down this path. So I've finally accepted that my partner is never going to agree to an open relationship and would rather divorce, based on some really frank discussions we've had over the past 2 weeks. Before, the thought of leaving this relationship was too scary to think about, but now I'm seeing it as a real possibility. So that is progress, whatever I decide to do, at least now I feel like I have options.

I guess the thing that is still bugging me, is if the reason I've feeling like I want to have sex with other women isn't just about the sex, but because my wife isn't meeting my emotional needs? In that case, maybe it's possible to fix the issue or rekindle things with her. Maybe I could be happy being monogamous, if other aspects of the relationship were working better. I'm a very loyal person and don't like breaking promises or giving up.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-21-2010, 02:26 AM
openmarriagelove's Avatar
openmarriagelove openmarriagelove is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 17

Would your wife be ok accepting that she doesn't meet your emotional needs and letting you find those elsewhere? My husband doesn't meet mine and we've discussed that and he is ok with me finding it elsewhere. However, it was a little hard to swallow at first. I am also very needy. I admit this. However, at the end of the day that wasn't enough for me to walk away. We might not do everything right, but we make an awesome team in life, and I wouldn't want to walk through my path with anyone else by my side and raising my children with me. We just don't mesh on every level, but enough levels that it's worth it. Are there enough levels to make it worth it for you and your wife?
Reply With Quote
Old 09-21-2010, 02:29 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,443

I think you need to wonder what you are looking for, really. Sex? Emotional connections?
Even if the problem is that your wife isn't filling your emotional needs, it could be because she can't. You might have emotional needs that can't be filled by a single person.
I would say it is always worth trying to work out existing relationships. However, if you truly are poly-wired, you might find yourself unable to be with someone who can't accept that. If that's the case, you might have no option but to break up, and in future relationships be clear from the start.

Do you know what problem your wife has with the idea? It could be based on misconceptions. You say you've talked about it for six months though so I guess it's doubtful. Still you might be able to work things out if you take your time... It was hard for my husband at first but we worked things out.

If you break up with her, I think it is a good idea to do it now, when there is nobody else in your life, so that she can know it's about who YOU are and nothing else.
Me: 32F, straight
Seamus: My husband, 33M, straight
Fox: My boyfriend, 30M, homoflexible
Dragon: Fox's husband (and my ex), 30M, pansexual
Reply With Quote
Old 09-21-2010, 02:34 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742

Is sex the currency for meeting emotional needs? I'm always confused by the idea that people need to sleep with some one just because they fill a need their partner doesn't. I ride motorbike with people other than Redpepper primarily because she doesn't have a license or a bike.....but I don't need to have sex with them.

I guess the concept of tying in sex with meeting other needs just seems a bit too much like bartering..or an excuse for simply wanting to have sex with them.

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
Old 09-21-2010, 02:37 AM
Saint's Avatar
Saint Saint is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 6

I think it really speaks to your character that you're willing to consider ways in which your existing relationship can be made to work for you and your wife. Are the emotional problems between you and your wife recent developments, or is this more of a chronic, long-term problem?

If you can identify particular ways in which your wife is not meeting your needs, then I think being open with her and letting her know about them would be the best thing to do. If you want your marriage to work, then both you and her each need to be working to make sure that the other is happy.

Hopefully you and your wife can come to an agreement about what isn't working, whether it can be fixed, and if not, what needs to change in your relationship.

Best of luck!
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:04 AM.