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  #11  
Old 09-20-2010, 08:05 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
yes, D that is exactly it.

I guess I should move on an hide in my poly-fi house with only those I fuck, cause there is no room for us poly-fiers in the outside poly world... too bad that those who are looking for what I have don't have any outside evidence of this working or existing ... I guess they will have to suffice with the poly daters...

sarcastic, but frustrated. It extends to everywhere really... not just in the poly world. There seems to be a struggle to have depth with most people.
Maybe. To be blunt, I tend to recommend people to the poly community when something has gone wrong or they need their "Poly 101" cred. The larger poly community is really, really good at teaching new ways to communicate and do poly.

Once that's done,however, it is a lot easier to find a social circle where people don't care what you do with your naughty bits and go from there. You get an occasional dater, but as most activities around which social circles are built are explicitly non-sexual(i.e., the SCA or political parties), you tend to get people who are there for either the socializing or the activity itself. For better or for worse poly/sex-positive communities are based around sex and so will draw people who are interested in sex.

In regards to having depth with most people I know exactly how you feel there. In my case it is intellectual(I am guessing for you it is more emotional), but I think the overall feel is similar.
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  #12  
Old 09-20-2010, 08:44 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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I find it interesting because some people in my community call me poly-fi, yet I wonder if sex for them is based on the same things I experience. There seems, from the outside, that they have sex for recreation as well as to connect... yet I wonder if they have the capacity to do so without the sex?

I wonder this because I have known people who, when they here that I am not available for sex, they don't know how to act around me, don't know how to relate to me and aren't used to being friends or close to someone that is not sexually available. I have known this in my mono life for sure. It's like, "she is not available so I won't bother getting to know her."

It makes me feel that I am not worth anything to them and it makes me feel in turn that the term poly-fi is in someway less than or not valid and that the people who decide on this kind of poly, what ever it means to them, are secluded and in their own world that is a part from the rest of the poly world. They have in some way sold out... or are on a different path that is far from poly that is more open sexually.
The people who are worth getting to know are going to be people who are willing to put in the time to get to know you, and not just with the hope of one day being able to get into your pants! I know that there are some out there who just see everyone as a potential bedmate but it isn't the majority.

I know from experience that people can find close, non-sexual friendships very threatening. My best friend's partner recently admitted that to me. She couldn't figure out how 2 people could be so intimately connected with each other and it not be a sexual thing. It never has been though and never will be, neither of us are interested in pursuing that.

You shouldn't have to be available to everyone for sex for them to appreciate you for who you are. Isn't there something about poly thinking of letting relationships with people develop into whatever they're going to be? Just let them label you however they want to, if you don't want the label for yourself, don't take it on! There is no one right way to do poly. There are plenty of people who love and appreciate you for who you are and not for how you conduct your relationships.

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  #13  
Old 09-20-2010, 09:09 PM
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Time to melt into poly fi land... Maybe things are getting way normal and I should disappear.

Thanks derby. Its actually not that important to me. What I wanted to know also about poly fi is if its something that is a goal for people? Is it something to strive for that is honourable? Or is it a cop out kind of poly? I see it as such for others, but maybe its what I have experienced so far. And maybe its an age and stage thing.
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Last edited by redpepper; 09-20-2010 at 09:55 PM.
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  #14  
Old 09-20-2010, 10:04 PM
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I think the word just means long term / life long commitments involving multiple people. It seems that a lot of people use it to imply exclusivity (no adding of partners) but I don't think it has to mean that.

Regardless of the meaning, people should not be using the word as an insult or labeling you. You are the only one who is allowed to stick labels on yourself!
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  #15  
Old 09-20-2010, 11:27 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Time to melt into poly fi land... Maybe things are getting way normal and I should disappear.

Thanks derby. Its actually not that important to me. What I wanted to know also about poly fi is if its something that is a goal for people? Is it something to strive for that is honourable? Or is it a cop out kind of poly? I see it as such for others, but maybe its what I have experienced so far. And maybe its an age and stage thing.
I don't think it's a cop out at all. Not any more than I think Monogamy is a cop out. I imagine a polyfi family could be quite a powerful, loving experience. I'm not sure it's right for me. But, I can see the attraction to it. It is not a goal for me though I wouldn't rule it out with the right wickedly awesome bunch of folks.

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I think the word just means long term / life long commitments involving multiple people. It seems that a lot of people use it to imply exclusivity (no adding of partners) but I don't think it has to mean that.

Regardless of the meaning, people should not be using the word as an insult or labeling you. You are the only one who is allowed to stick labels on yourself!
As I understand, the differentiating factor in poly-fi arrrangments is the commitment to exclusivity within the group. As such, introducing new partners is a full group exercise. Perhaps not. I imagine that for this to work, you'd have to be very slow to add and slow to remove (akin to the barriers to entry and exit that exist with marriage). They are good for the stability of the unit. I've never heard anyone assume that they are closed, hermitcally sealed. On the other hand, the requirements for taking on new members may indeed seem too involved for some.

Maybe even the above contains too many assumptions beyond the basic notion of exclusivity within a defined group of people. How that group gets defined and redefined could be as varied as the number of groups out there.... at some point, however, you slip out of polyfi and into something else if the group is too easily or frequently redefined.

So, maybe, nevermind.
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  #16  
Old 09-20-2010, 11:45 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
What I wanted to know also about poly fi is if its something that is a goal for people? Is it something to strive for that is honourable?
I would think that only the people involved can decide whether it is a goal to strive for or not. What is everyone comfortable with.
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  #17  
Old 09-20-2010, 11:55 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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It is some peoples goal. I think I like the idea of it. Its partially a limitation in time and emotion.

poly-fidelity as far as I have read is usually a grouping ALL locked into themselves. When someone else comes in EVERYONE has to decide it healthy

But IU have seen it more micro managed. Like 3 of the 4 partners are poly-fidelious and the 4th is in the grouping but remains open.

Lots of variations of a theme imo.
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  #18  
Old 09-21-2010, 12:10 AM
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I was under the impression that polyfidelity meant the same as your typical monogamous relationship: no new partners, ever, and even bringing it up might cause you to be dumped. Difference being, it would be with more than two people involved.

I thought it wasn't for me, in the same way monogamy wasn't for me: even though I didn't have anyone in mind, the concept of "if you fall in love, too bad! It's not allowed!" felt way too restrictive to me. Because polyfidelity seemed to me to be the same, I was similarly not too interested in it.

However, if it's "if you have someone you like, you need to tell everyone about it, and we'll all work in making that relationship work and adding it to our family"... Then, it sounds exactly like the relationship we have, the one I'd feel most comfortable with. No casual sex, no dates prior to warning everyone, we all get to meet the person or hear about him/her and see pictures, things like that.

But the relationship isn't really closed, the network isn't "complete". It is... until one of us meets someone.
So I don't know if that qualifies as polyfidelity or not. It seems to me polifidelity involves having a "complete" family that never gets any more members... Like a traditional couple.
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  #19  
Old 09-21-2010, 12:31 AM
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So again. Is it about sex then that a group is closed, or about emotional connection?
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  #20  
Old 09-21-2010, 01:33 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I would say both or either.

For me, if you can have sex outside the relationship, then the relationship isn't closed.
However, my problem with closed relationship is that I feel it tells me I'm not allowed to fall in love, which isn't under my control and therefore doesn't seem fair.

So I would say a relationship can be opened one way, the other, or both, but can only be considered closed if neither are allowed.
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