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  #1  
Old 08-08-2009, 06:04 AM
Nyx Nyx is offline
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Default A quandary

I have a friend whom I have known for 6 years and over that time, we have had several run-ins where we made out, a little petting, but nothing overtly sexual - aside from that we are great friends and really care about each other....he and I have both stated our attraction/interest, but for one reason or another it never progressed further than that.

So tonight, I was at a bbq at his house and he had his new gf there. I am suddenly sad and a little jealous. See, I am dating my bf who is poly and this is all new to me. I know that I can date other men, but I have no idea how this man who has been my friend for so long, could possibly be one of those on the "ok to date" list.

So I have to ask you experienced poly's out there: how the heck does one broach the subject of dating multiple people??

This friend of mine, he knows the situation between my bf and I. We had briefly talked about dating multiple people (not us specifically) and he basically said that he might be ok with it, but couldn't imagine what it would be like.

I waited too long to approach this friend about possibly being my 2nd (I was unsure of my own motivations and desires) but now that I feel ready to find a 2nd person, he is now not "available".

Should I approach him anyway? I know he wouldn't be mad at me, but I fear that his gf would get upset and make trouble. How do you guys deal with this sort of thing? Maybe I should just avoid approaching him at all?

I just feel frustrated because I have also tried some dating websites, but as soon as the guys discover I have a bf, they stop responding.
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Old 08-08-2009, 03:06 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Curious as to the long history you've had with this guy but never really hooking up......either it's not right for you two, or ????? Is there a chance his new gf is poly? Maybe you can still approach him? Why are you suddenly sad after all these years? haven't you each dated others during that time? I'm confused.......
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Old 08-08-2009, 03:56 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Default Unrequieted crush

I understand what it is to have a long-standing crush on someone who is a good friend, and the timing never seems to be right. This is one of the very things that made poly make sense to me- the existence of such connections in my life that I never got to pursue because I wasn't "allowed" to before.

I am also new to poly, and have yet to make a move on anyone outside my primary relationship, so I don't have any solid advice to share, but I can relate.

I think, as I re-orient myself with the concept that I am free to date others, that it's going to be hard not to just look around and choose people- I think this has to happen organically. If you feel comfortable enough, after all, you said he was a good friend and wouldn't take offense, talk to him about your feelings,( with him privately- it is up to him to talk to his gf or not, depending on his feelings) and trust him to respond with what is best for him. I know poly isn't going to be for everyone, but weren't you surprised when you found this way of being? Weren't you intrigued and excited? Maybe he will be too.

If not, hopefully your friendship is strong enough that it won't make things uncomfortable.

Good Luck
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Old 08-08-2009, 04:58 PM
Nyx Nyx is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
Curious as to the long history you've had with this guy but never really hooking up......either it's not right for you two, or ????? Is there a chance his new gf is poly? Maybe you can still approach him? Why are you suddenly sad after all these years? haven't you each dated others during that time? I'm confused.......
I don't know what's confusing you.....

We first started admitting to each other we were attracted about two years ago and that was when we first started being physical....it only happened once though. I'm not really sure why things never progressed - I think because I wanted to take my time and didn't want to risk our friendship by taking things too far. We each ended up getting into different relationships in the meantime, we never seem to be single at the same time.

It has just been in the last few weeks that I have really opened up to being poly and now that I have this possibility open to me, I am not sure if it is open to him.

I thought about it more last night after I posted and I am actually really glad for him, not sad. This girl he is with is perfect for him. They love to go to metal concerts together and have been to several in the last month. This is something I would never want to do.....

I think I'll let this one go....I don't want to interfere in their happiness.

All this aside, what I really wanted to know was how does one go about seeking other partners? It seems like most people are really hesitant to get involved with someone who is "taken". I live in a very small community and I have encountered only two other people who are poly - one of whom my bf is dating and the other recently got married into a mono relationship - I guess she gave up being poly for some reason.

Last edited by Nyx; 08-08-2009 at 05:01 PM. Reason: add on
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Old 08-09-2009, 01:30 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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He's your friend. Talk to him. Approach him with respect and concern for all everyone involved, but make your feelings known.
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Old 08-09-2009, 07:53 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I started out dating a million people I met on line... all men. The women I met didn't show up or backed out. One became a lover and now is just a friend...

I met Mono on line. He was looking for a casual one night stand and was very carefully pursuing me. He managed to pursue others in the mean time... I assume because I wasn't willing to just come over and fuck him... hmmmm.... actually I don't know why that was, maybe the timing was wrong? He will respond I'm sure. In the mean time we chatted on a dating sight back and forth and then finally got together for coffee. It was love at first sight really... I knew it would all be different with him the moment he opened his mouth.

Now it's a bit different. I am apart of a poly community that I have since found and am involved in. I'm sure that if I were in the market for another man I would find on there. I am looking for a woman partner and seem to be making a tad bit of head way on that.

In a small town that would be difficult I'm sure. I feel for you. I grew up in a small town and I now would not survive it, AT ALL!

I guess, if I were in your situation I would tell him that you are glad he has his new girl friend because she likes metal concerts and you don't and that is why poly is so great because you can have different partners to do different things with. Also I would mention that you were disappointed at first to see him with his new gf because you thought you had missed your chance again, but are now wondering if you really have and that you are interested in trying out poly with him if he and her are into it. If they aren't then that is okay too.
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Old 08-09-2009, 08:05 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
IHe was looking for a casual one night stand and was very carefully pursuing me. He managed to pursue others in the mean time... I assume because I wasn't willing to just come over and fuck him... hmmmm.... actually I don't know why that was, maybe the timing was wrong?
.
I knew that I would find something more in you and didn't feel I had anything to offer you because of my past. I didn't want to get into a relationship with someone and hurt them because of my history. Simple and plain. And yeah..you wanted to fuck me
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Old 08-09-2009, 08:14 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by Nyx View Post

Should I approach him anyway? I know he wouldn't be mad at me, but I fear that his gf would get upset and make trouble. How do you guys deal with this sort of thing? Maybe I should just avoid approaching him at all?

:
My recommendation..if they seem happy, leave them alone.

The idea that his girlfriend would "make trouble" almost seems as though you feel this reaction to your propositioning her boyfriend would be ilogical and immature.

Why confuse what might be a very happy situation because you want something. How would most people react to someone "privately" aproaching thier lover with this type of offer?

Sorry if I seem harsh, but if he is interested in you I think he will aproach you.

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 08-09-2009 at 08:17 AM.
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Old 08-09-2009, 08:18 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I knew that I would find something more in you and didn't feel I had anything to offer you because of my past. I didn't want to get into a relationship with someone and hurt them because of my history. Simple and plain. And yeah..you wanted to fuck me
Yeah I did when I saw you.... not when we were chatting though. You sent that grumpy looking picture of yourself too! LOL, I was totally sure that you were a lost cause until you messaged me while you were drunk and were totally honest about thinking we would actually mean something to one another. That totally won me over and I thought you actually had depth. I didn't see that before... then you messaged after and apologized! I thought that was very sweet and couldn't believe that you would apologize for something so honest and real! I got no apology from the guys who wrote and said I looked hot and gave me their cock sizes (sooooo much depth in that!)

I don't have any problem with you asking for what you want, but with the attitude that you will still be his friend even if it isn't meant to be.... then of course you would have to live up to that! Otherwise, leave them alone and wait.
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Old 08-09-2009, 08:23 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I don't have any problem with you asking for what you want, but with the attitude that you will still be his friend even if it isn't meant to be.... then of course you would have to live up to that! Otherwise, leave them alone and wait.
I'm sorry, I believe putting the happiness and honoring what his gf has is more important then her own needs. Think about how the gf might feel if her relationship is cut short because of this. Maybe they won't last forever but why be the catalyst that leads to ending her happiness prematurely? Just my opinion.
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