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Old 09-20-2010, 07:14 PM
monaural's Avatar
monaural monaural is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: California, US
Posts: 18
Default Polyamory and Honesty Issues

I've been involved in my first poly relationship for a few months now, and while things have been mostly sweetness and light, there are some troubling wrinkles appearing.

When my girlfriend and I started seeing each other, she was in a lull/readjustment/possible breakup period with her poly boyfriend. They decided to give it another try a few weeks later, and my GF informed me of the situation, saying she still wanted to continue to build things with me.

This was my first intersection with poly love and I was taken aback, but went through a miraculous transition through a lot of soul-searching. I vowed not to get too attached, in case my mononess crept in. She and I grew fonder and fonder of one another anyhow. We love the heck out of each other now, and I think it's starting to worry her other boyfriend.

He contacted me recently, seeming to want to offer me advice and/or solace in case her poly split was causing me pain, as it apparently had him when he fell in love with her years ago.

He went on to explain that "poly is her thing" and that he only tolerates it because he loves her so much and that's just how she is. This painted him as almost in the same position as me- a mono guy learning to deal with loving a poly girl. This didn't ring true to me, because I've known him to be poly/swing-y since time immemorial.

Now, a neutral third party has informed me that she knows at least two folks this guy has slept with/cultivated casual relationships with in the past year, so I have to assume that he's skewing the facts to try to make a bid for sympathy, and perhaps detachment, from me.

I don't feel at liberty to bring up his behavior with my girlfriend- it just feels like "tattling", to me. "Look what your boy is trying to pull on me!" But still, I came into this relationship under the auspices of not wanting to unsettle their "healthy poly relationship", and now things seem very complex.

How can I get to the root of what's REALLY going on (and my future, or lack thereof, in it) without alerting my GF to the (possibly) apocryphal stuff her other boy is feeding me? The issue is compounded by him being a friend of mine, so it's not only her love I stand to lose, but his friendship.

Jeez, I don't know how you polyfolks keep these things so straight and simple
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