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  #21  
Old 09-20-2010, 03:07 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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I am very wary of NRE. I use to only identify it as this element that made affairs so damaging. I attributed it as being something that fogs up one person's head and draws faulty conclusions that a previously established partner cannot compete with. Two people build a history made up of both positive and negative associations with each other. With no one else in the picture, both can be objective and see the good as well as the bad.

Then along comes a new person and with them they bring: a belly of enjoyable butterflies, new stories and a newness to your own stories, an unmapped body, and initially, no clue what flaws you have. You get to be this uber person compared to the flawed person your established partner knows. And they get to be this seemingly care free perfect person to you.

I keep these things in mind and I attribute it to this not being my first or second time to the rodeo. I've had a 9 year relationship to a train wreck and now a 6 year relationship that has largely been a blessing. So as I am now getting to know a new person, I am quite aware how people are usually not what they seem. I worry less about myself and any impending NRE I might go through. I worry more about my husband because, while I have benefit of this quality in him, he has a tendency to get all "white knight" for people he cares about (romantic or platonic) if he perceives them to be troubled in anyway. Even before we decided to go ploy, Ive watched this come out of him for his friends and had to point out that he was running on assumptions.

So I identify NRE with a clouding of judgment that creates an unfair bias. Never again can I give my husband the high of successfully telling an amusing story from his college days. He knows my best anecdotal stories too. While I know unrest will find me through out my life, I am centered enough in my day to day to not be able to be a damsel in distress to him. I know the vast majority of his weaknesses just as he knows mine. And we've driven all over each others body. And all the pesky stresses of marriage, parenting, and finances keep things from being carefree. In this way, neither of us can compete in the realm of NRE rush. I worry NRE will be, by far, our biggest hurdle.
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  #22  
Old 09-20-2010, 04:05 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
I`m going to read this thread with interest. Obviously 'we' are in it, but I seem to be experiencing a opposite phenomenon.
I think it can be tied, partially, to your feeling of responsibility. With your large extended family and all of the responsibility, you had a hard time riding the nre wave. Everytime it struck, you got off the wave and said "next time". You and I both have that problem.

Mine comes from the experience of having very destructive NRE. To the point where I was wallowing all of the time. I had to check myself on my trip so my nre didn't get out of hand.

NRE can blind people to the responsibilities they have. You don't let it. ...I love that strength in you.
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  #23  
Old 09-20-2010, 04:13 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
I am very wary of NRE. I use to only identify it as this element that made affairs so damaging. I attributed it as being something that fogs up one person's head and draws faulty conclusions that a previously established partner cannot compete with. Two people build a history made up of both positive and negative associations with each other. With no one else in the picture, both can be objective and see the good as well as the bad.

Then along comes a new person and with them they bring: a belly of enjoyable butterflies, new stories and a newness to your own stories, an unmapped body, and initially, no clue what flaws you have. You get to be this uber person compared to the flawed person your established partner knows. And they get to be this seemingly care free perfect person to you.
At some point the spouse, or the person having the NRE has to be convinced in the strength of experience and time. Maybe someone needs to go back to the way it was in the beginning, the feelings, the wanton need. The "used to" feeling of having a long term partner should be just as strong as NRE, its just...different. My love and long term relationship desire of my wife is very strong and stable. Riding the NRE wave with anyone new needs to be looked at logically. Eventually it will end, what do you have then?...

The flip side, if someone is letting nre get out of control like that, is what happens when it leaves and the "new" person becomes a simple spouse. If it is the NRE they are after than that not a relationship building on a good foundation. Its a relationship being built on the drugs pouring from your brain into your genitals.

Quote:
So I identify NRE with a clouding of judgment that creates an unfair bias. Never again can I give my husband the high of successfully telling an amusing story from his college days. He knows my best anecdotal stories too. While I know unrest will find me through out my life, I am centered enough in my day to day to not be able to be a damsel in distress to him. I know the vast majority of his weaknesses just as he knows mine. And we've driven all over each others body. And all the pesky stresses of marriage, parenting, and finances keep things from being carefree. In this way, neither of us can compete in the realm of NRE rush. I worry NRE will be, by far, our biggest hurdle.
Be aware, and understand what NRE is. Talk about it and point it out. Mistakes can be made, but if everyone is open to listening and hearing about it, you will hopefully find you won't make really bad mistakes. The only thing I am finding that can help slow NRE to a managable and usable tool is logic.

I am a bit of a wave rider with NRE. I take it when I can get it and when I can't, I try not to wallow to much. I tend to do a decent job, however I did have some moments. It all hits us, we just have to use that thing the animals don't have much of, a brain. And try and work through the potential spirals. And hopefully your partners can help you pull out of any bad waves

Last edited by Ariakas; 09-20-2010 at 05:08 PM.
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  #24  
Old 09-20-2010, 04:44 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Great talk about NRE

My experience with NRE is that, beyond physical obsession, it creates a bubble around me and my partner. It's not a bubble of oblivious illogic but one of protection. NRE shielded me from the judgement and doubt of others. (I was also judged when I got married the first time). I think this was very important in the beginning of my relationship with Redpepper. We had so many hurdles and differences to face that if I was affected by the opinion of my friends I would not have been able to get through everything else. I was basically invulnerable to external pressures amplified by the male ego.

While we definitely have an intense relationship with a lot of "NRE" aspects, that bubble of invulnerability has faded for me. I have become more protective of my privacy and more susceptible to the judgement of others outside of our poly community.

I think NRE can create a temporary reality that has a certain element of illusion. It's like playing in Never Never Land until you grow up and find yourself on the outside looking in. It is a small personal reality that temporarily removes us from the large body of everyone else's.

I think it is the relationships that are built on solid foundations that will be up to the challenge of flourishing even after we are no longer running around in our Peter Pan getaways. Of course that is often the time that some will look for a new path back to Never Never Land.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 09-20-2010 at 04:50 PM.
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  #25  
Old 09-20-2010, 06:44 PM
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When I was unattached and falling in love with one person from being single NRE was a totally different thing. Now I think single mum's and Dad's who are mono go through similar experiences to us poly's. They have children to consider. As we get older and have more responsibility there is more to think about while in NRE regardless of whether the relationship is mono or poly.

It is hard to be empathetic to others and be patient, but we have to be... I have found myself slide with people that are just not important but demand that they should be.... when no in NRE I would have the capacity to be patient or just walk away, but instead I have lashed out and gotten cranky. Not fair to them... and I regret that. That for me was the hardest part. The part I need to work on the most about NRE.

The rest was a matter of being a good caregiver... I am a caregiver by nature, because my mother taught me to be, to the detriment of what is good for me, so I had no trouble with this. No one knew my NRE existed to the extent it did. They still don't. I gave little away and I'm proud of that. I sucked it up and cherished it as a little secret all to my own. A little package in my heart that would burst forth when opened every now and then...

It has made it last and last... I am more in love than one could ever imagine and with every day that goes by. Falling in love over and over every time the package opens and with every gesture that this is "right" for us... all of us. I'm so glad to be able to have that everyday.
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  #26  
Old 09-21-2010, 01:31 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I think the main danger of NRE is to existing relationship. Really, due to the mono-normality we're raised with, even poly people might leave an existing relationship due to the NRE with a new one, rather than try to make both work.

There is also a clear danger of neglecting the existing partners, even when you are poly and aware of the NRE's risks. I think having supporting partners really help, so that you can share that NRE with them. In my case, it helps that Rag has an interest as well, so we can relate to each other more easily in that way.
I would say I'm reaching a part where the NRE is still strong but I'm starting to see more flaws in Sean. Which is very good. See, before that, because I seemed to only see his good traits, it could make Rag less "interesting" in comparison. While I still have a strong ORE with Rag, the thrill of NRE is different.
Now I feel like I can be a bit more impartial, mostly about their differences. There are ways I am more "compatible" with Sean and, sure enough, ways I am more "compatible" with Rag. And lately, I have noticed the importance of the ORE: how we know each other, understand each other, have similar values or know how our values differ and respect that...
I'm still in a phase of exploration with Sean, and I'm realising that we have many more cultural differences. While Canadian, Rag is very "European" in many ways. Sean is much more American.

Difference can be good and interesting, but they can also come as a shock. I'm enjoying being at a place where I can enjoy the differences between Sean and Rag, and appreciate both of them more for that.

Really, it first happened when I met Sean. We clicked very well, thanks to the NRE, and being apart again was very hard, as happy as I was to be with Rag again. The next few days were very harsh, because my interest (a coworker of Sean's) changed jobs and states before I could make a move, and I was worried of having missed my chance. Add to that missing Sean and I was in a very weird, conflicted place.
I was very worried about neglecting Rag, but later we spent very good quality time together and I could appreciate how we don't have to do anything "special", how just being together is soothing, how we understand each other so well due to years of sharing each other's lives.

Then I reached a new point in my relationship with Sean. While we used to talk every day in some form, we started talking less, partly because he was busy, partly because I was spending time with Rag when Sean wasn't busy, and partly because even when Sean wasn't busy and I wasn't spending time with Rag, I wanted some time for myself.

I feel that helped me get over the addictiveness of it, and enjoy the good parts of NRE without stressing too much about the bad ones.

Wow, I guess I made a longer post than I first intended. Either way, I think NRE can cause a balancing act, but I'm enjoying it very much.
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  #27  
Old 09-21-2010, 02:40 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
When I was unattached and falling in love with one person from being single NRE was a totally different thing. Now I think single mum's and Dad's who are mono go through similar experiences to us poly's. They have children to consider. As we get older and have more responsibility there is more to think about while in NRE regardless of whether the relationship is mono or poly.
I agree with this point! I've got 3 kids, and introducing a new baby while still making time for the older kids you love so much is quite like being polyamorous!
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  #28  
Old 06-03-2012, 12:04 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I didn't want to start a new thread about NRE and this one seemed fitting since it's listed in the Master thread.

I wanted to share some comments Seamus made about NRE that I found interesting because I hadn't considered them before. I'd love to hear other people's opinions.

He started seeing this new woman recently, and is experiencing some NRE. The subject was brought up and he commented that he "hated" NRE because it was "fake".
He clarified what he meant: while en enjoys the drugged feelings, being high, and so on, he is frustrated by the fact that he knows it's a chemical trick, that it affects its judgment, he feels manipulated by it. Plus, he much prefers established relationships and the feelings that go with them, and so he sees NRE as something necessary to "go through", but he wishes we hadn't evolved to require it as a species.

I found that interesting because so many people get addicted to NRE, to the point that when it fades off a lot of relationships end, people get disappointed, etc. But he's the other way around, he waits for it to end so he can move on to the "real" relationship, the one where he's not blind to the other's flaws, the one when he's not likely to make bad decisions based on the rush of good feelings, the one when he can think clearly, and feel connections and caring and love rather than NRE.

He says that under NRE he's just aware enough to realise it's affecting his judgment, but not enough to prevent it from doing that. Similar to being drunk I guess.

Does anyone have similar feelings about it? I know personally I really enjoy it, although sometimes I feel silly and immature and get embarrassed about it. But mostly, I just enjoy the rush, and while sometimes I wish I didn't get crushes on some people, for instance, I don't think I would want NRE to just stop existing.
This being said, I do like and want established relationships. But I do want to go through the NRE stage before that.
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  #29  
Old 06-03-2012, 05:21 PM
PaperGrace PaperGrace is offline
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I am right there with Seamus. I hate NRE. I make stupid decisions, but I don't seem to be able to stop myself. I take risks I know I wouldn't otherwise take. My emotions are more labile. I get anxious. I'll cry over small insecurities. I'll worry I've said the wrong thing in my eagerness, or give the wrong impression.

Yes, there are good parts of NRE, too, but I much prefer being relaxed and happy in my relationships. Once the NRE is done, I love the feeling of contentment as a couple. I enjoy most the part of a relationship where instead of going on dates and explaining ourselves to each other, we are entwined on the couch in pajamas doing crossword puzzles. Where we know each other well enough that small mistakes don't matter and trust in innate. That's where I want to be.

I don't go looking for NRE, I always just hope to survive it.
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  #30  
Old 06-05-2012, 12:08 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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I'm definitely in the "I hate NRE" camp.

I was talking about this to a friend of mine the other day. We are both in this camp.

NRE makes me feel stupid and out of control. The heart-racing and butterflies when the phone rings - makes me feel on the edge of a panic attack. I can't concentrate on my hobbies or reading - things that help keep me centered and help deal with the stress at work etc. Other things that are actually important to me get neglected. I lose sleep and physically feel like shit - like I'm perpetually hungover. Can't WAIT for it to be over.

Now, part of this may be lack of practice...I don't tend to "fall for" people easily, and spend a lot of time in denial when I do - so there is that tension added as well. Granted also, that the two times I have experienced "full blown" NRE have ended well - I have MrS and Dude to show for it - so I guess the ordeal was worth it in the end I think that the fact that in each case I ended up practically living with my partners right away, for me, helps the NRE fade that much quicker - which is why I don't think that is always a bad idea for everyone. Nothing rubs the "new and shiny" off as quickly as shared bathrooms and dirty socks .

Each time it was such a relief to me when the NRE wore off and we could get to the "real meat" of the relationship and see if it was actually going to work. It's not until the stupid hormonal phase is over that I can let my guard down and really open myself up to loving someone - because only then do I feel like I am seeing them for who they really are.

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