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  #21  
Old 09-15-2010, 01:14 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by foxflame88 View Post
No, he NEVER told me that he had decided to meet her... just that she asked him out. He never said he accepted.
No, he did NOT come home and go to bed with me. We have slept seperatly since his "date" and after finding out he had sex with her, I am glad!
Guess I got it all wrong.


I hereby stand corrected
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  #22  
Old 09-15-2010, 03:38 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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This morning, he kept hitting his snooze and going back to sleep. I finally got mad enough to get up and give up trying to sleep. I didn't sleep well all night either, as I was cold and upset about him going out abruptly. FOUR HOURS later, he drags his lazy bum outta bed. He has not spoken to me all day, and just left for work.

I'm curious about what this means, if you two didn't share a bed after he returned from his "date". How would you know he was hitting snooze and why would that make you "give up trying to sleep", if you weren't sharing the same bed?

I am sorry if it sounds like I'm cross-examining you. I understand that you wrote these posts in an angry frame of mind, and I'm trying to make sense of it.
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  #23  
Old 09-15-2010, 05:26 PM
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foxflame88 foxflame88 is offline
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We share a very small apartment with very thin walls and his alarm is loud. I may have been angry when I was typing, but I am not stupid.
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  #24  
Old 09-15-2010, 05:45 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by foxflame88 View Post
We share a very small apartment with very thin walls and his alarm is loud. I may have been angry when I was typing, but I am not stupid.
I didn't mean to imply that. I knew there must be an explanation, but you are not a mind-reader so how would I get the answer to my question unless I ask.

When the title has "live-in primary" in it and you speak of "going to bed" "hitting snooze" and "giving up on sleep", the most obvious conclusion for a reader to draw is that you share a bed. Furthermore, in your last post you say that you've slept separately SINCE his date, which implies that you slept in the same bed BEFORE this incident happened.

As I said before, I'm just trying to understand. I've been pelted before for "conjecture" and "jumping to conclusions", so I'm trying to avoid letting that happen here.

None of this excuses your boyfriend's inconsiderate behaviour though.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 09-15-2010 at 05:48 PM.
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  #25  
Old 09-15-2010, 05:53 PM
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So, I'm wondering if his version of poly, his poly description as it were, is just simply different than yours? Perhaps he is of the camp where by you and he have no right to be concerned and upset over each others other lovers and the dynamic or comings and goings of others? The whole idea where poly means we are completely self contained units that come together under the guise of love and fuck at will then go on to other lovers while believing that we are still available to and can make the other available for "love." No emotion of connection beyond the moment, no commitment other than to the relationship in the moment. Some would say, no ownership and partnership other than the moment. No thought for the future beyond the moment. Is that his way somehow? (I'm sorry if I am not explaining things well, but it isn't my kind of poly... I hope I am in some way doing it justice)

Perhaps your description of poly is about respecting in a different way. About being connected beyond the moment, being committed to working stuff out so as to have a future together. To grow together and connect together beyond a moment; towards a common goal of being together. Of belonging in each others lives, as family members feel like they are part of a family?
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  #26  
Old 09-15-2010, 05:58 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
So, I'm wondering if his version of poly, his poly description as it were, is just simply different than yours? Perhaps he is of the camp where by you and he have no right to be concerned and upset over each others other lovers and the dynamic or comings and goings of others? The whole idea where poly means we are completely self contained units that come together under the guise of love and fuck at will then go on to other lovers while believing that we are still available to and can make the other available for "love." No emotion of connection beyond the moment, no commitment other than to the relationship in the moment. Some would say, no ownership and partnership other than the moment. No thought for the future beyond the moment. Is that his way somehow? (I'm sorry if I am not explaining things well, but it isn't my kind of poly... I hope I am in some way doing it justice)
I've said this before - I've always suspected that sometimes people call themselves "poly" so that they can sleep around and have it be considered a "noble" thing.

Not sure if this is what FF's boyfriend is doing, but I think that's what redpepper is trying to say here.
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  #27  
Old 09-15-2010, 06:11 PM
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Well it wasn't really but I definitely would of said that in the past. Its what I used to call "dating" back in the day. Before I understodd the freedom that comes with commiting to others well being and sense of security in what I do. Sense of trust.

Now though, apparently, some people don't think we should take "ownership" of others and we should have complete freedom to do whatever regardless of others feelings about it. If they have feelings then that is their problem to work out. Not ours. They should muddle through and not yet and control or own.

Again, I hope I have that right. Its what I understood of what I heard from some poly people.
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  #28  
Old 09-15-2010, 06:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
So, I'm wondering if his version of poly, his poly description as it were, is just simply different than yours? Perhaps he is of the camp where by you and he have no right to be concerned and upset over each others other lovers and the dynamic or comings and goings of others? The whole idea where poly means we are completely self contained units that come together under the guise of love and fuck at will then go on to other lovers while believing that we are still available to and can make the other available for "love." No emotion of connection beyond the moment, no commitment other than to the relationship in the moment. Some would say, no ownership and partnership other than the moment. No thought for the future beyond the moment. Is that his way somehow? (I'm sorry if I am not explaining things well, but it isn't my kind of poly... I hope I am in some way doing it justice)

Perhaps your description of poly is about respecting in a different way. About being connected beyond the moment, being committed to working stuff out so as to have a future together. To grow together and connect together beyond a moment; towards a common goal of being together. Of belonging in each others lives, as family members feel like they are part of a family?
I am finding out this very much seems to be the case. We have a lot more talking to do.
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  #29  
Old 09-15-2010, 06:35 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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"I hope he at least uses a condom every time" quote-unquote.
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  #30  
Old 09-15-2010, 08:37 PM
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I would highly recommend talking, in an active listening sense of the word. If you were able to arrange a time to talk about your relationship with your partner and decide beforehand to stick to the "rules" about taking turns talking and listening to each other, that might help a bit with diffusing angry feelings that come up.

Acknowledging anger when it happens is different from acting anger when it happens, by the way. Saying "this makes me feel very angry" is a good thing to communicate to a partner. Giving them the silent treatment or yelling at them is not so good. Believe me, I've done all of the above..

For me, the two pillars of poly are communication and respect. If you don't have either of these for your partner AND for yourself, poly will be incredibly difficult if not impossible.

Try and remember that everyone has needs and emotions that they're scared of communicating for fear of being rejected. Fear is, I find, at the root of most relationship blockages, and if we can find the courage to open up enough to admit our fears to our partners and especially to ourselves, we bridge a huge gap in creating trust and intimacy with our loved ones.

Taking small steps to building trust might involve suggesting a "truce time" where you simply sit together and hold hands and appreciate the other person. After acknowledging you still have this connection, it might be easier to talk about some of the scary, difficult feelings you both have.
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