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  #21  
Old 09-14-2010, 08:03 PM
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I would suck as a poly husband but I make a pretty good boyfriend right
yes you do baby.. although I have talked to you about more... we had a whole thread on that one
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  #22  
Old 09-14-2010, 08:56 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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yes you do baby.. although I have talked to you about more... we had a whole thread on that one
I know, Lilo.
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  #23  
Old 09-15-2010, 12:46 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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I'm not sure I know what you mean about AGAINST change... What does that mean? It's no less of a commitment and doesn't have to be for any period of time, it can be "until death do us part" if you wish... I'm sorry, I'm stuck on the "commitment AGAINST change" bit... to me life is always changing, we don't have control over that. Explain?

Hi redpepper, what I meant is that when you commit to somebody the whole idea is that you will stick with them through thick and thin, no matter how your circumstances change. It is how we develop as human beings, to stick with someone when bad times come, rather than cut and run. We don't have control over life but we do have control over ourselves.
That's just my take on it, and my wife's as well.
Maybe less fluid and changeable than some poly people might see things. Not judging anybody else, that's just us.
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  #24  
Old 09-15-2010, 02:24 PM
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Hi redpepper, what I meant is that when you commit to somebody the whole idea is that you will stick with them through thick and thin, no matter how your circumstances change. It is how we develop as human beings, to stick with someone when bad times come, rather than cut and run. We don't have control over life but we do have control over ourselves.
That's just my take on it, and my wife's as well.
Maybe less fluid and changeable than some poly people might see things. Not judging anybody else, that's just us.
Okay, I'm trying really hard to be calm and play nice here. Handfasting is a marriage. Just because the original version was for a year and a day, and some people still use it that way, does not mean that everyone does, just like a Christian marriage. Some people see marriage as just as disposable as you see handfasting--my husband's father has been married five times!

As for through thick and thin--my handfasting is JUST as valid as any Christian ceremony. Are you saying that my commitment is sponsored by a piece of paper? That's bogus. I have been through plenty my TWENTY YEAR handfasting. Our son was born sick and we spent his first six months in and out of the hospital. We spent his first two years dealing with ostomies, heart trouble, four surgeries, financial distress. We've been through job loss, near bankruptcy, dealing with past my past abuse, a couple of cancer scares, infertility, deaths in the family, several car accidents, disability, and physical injury and physical illness--to the point where we had to change our entire lives to accomodate me. I am COMMITTED.
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  #25  
Old 09-15-2010, 02:53 PM
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Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
Hi redpepper, what I meant is that when you commit to somebody the whole idea is that you will stick with them through thick and thin, no matter how your circumstances change. It is how we develop as human beings, to stick with someone when bad times come, rather than cut and run. We don't have control over life but we do have control over ourselves.
That's just my take on it, and my wife's as well.
Maybe less fluid and changeable than some poly people might see things. Not judging anybody else, that's just us.
@vodkafan- Handfastings are not for children playing dress up. Usually those involved take them very seriously. I highly doubt anyone who is involved in a ceremony like that would not consider the ritual a very serious commitment and very much as you think a marriage commitment is like. There is no difference other than some chose to have a time span.

Sometimes younger people decide on a time span for no less than a year and a day because they are not sure where their lives will lead. I think this is a very intelligent idea, especially considering the divorce rate. The whole idea is to see how a couple is doing after the time frame is ended, not end it. It's a checking in time. Something that other marriages don't have. I think that is a very good idea, something that others can make use of.

Please don't make this a poly thing, as it isn't. It has nothing to do with poly, just that some poly people have chosen this type of ceremony as a bonding ritual.
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  #26  
Old 09-15-2010, 07:02 PM
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Okay, I'm trying really hard to be calm and play nice here. Handfasting is a marriage. Just because the original version was for a year and a day, and some people still use it that way, does not mean that everyone does, just like a Christian marriage. Some people see marriage as just as disposable as you see handfasting--my husband's father has been married five times!

As for through thick and thin--my handfasting is JUST as valid as any Christian ceremony. Are you saying that my commitment is sponsored by a piece of paper? That's bogus. I have been through plenty my TWENTY YEAR handfasting. Our son was born sick and we spent his first six months in and out of the hospital. We spent his first two years dealing with ostomies, heart trouble, four surgeries, financial distress. We've been through job loss, near bankruptcy, dealing with past my past abuse, a couple of cancer scares, infertility, deaths in the family, several car accidents, disability, and physical injury and physical illness--to the point where we had to change our entire lives to accomodate me. I am COMMITTED.
Hi Lemondrop, I apologise If I have upset you or anybody else. I was just trying to say that such a ceremony would not have any meaning for US.
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  #27  
Old 09-15-2010, 08:08 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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I just wondered how others on here saw themselves and what they called themselves.
My wife is one of my lovers, so I don't really see anything lesser about the term "lover" than any other. Indeed, "wife" is a legal term, as I see it--a job title, if you will, and nothing more.

Any lover I have other than my wife I think of as an "amorata." If folks can't figure out what that is, then "girlfriend" works as well.
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  #28  
Old 09-16-2010, 01:14 AM
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Hi Lemondrop, I apologise If I have upset you or anybody else. I was just trying to say that such a ceremony would not have any meaning for US.
Thank you for clarifying. I guess I was pretty upset. I can understand not feeling that this was right for you.
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  #29  
Old 09-16-2010, 01:17 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I'm completely cool with being called "boyfriend" to everyone. I'm also completely cool with being called secondary in poly circles. In mono circles people would consider it an insult if you can believe that
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  #30  
Old 09-16-2010, 02:33 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Right now there is my husband, my boyfriend and my love interest... Tat's purely descriptive, though. Just like my husband used to be my boyfriend, my boyfriend might become my husband, a few years down the road (I called my husband "my husband" before we were legally married so I don't see why it would be different there). And if something happened with my love interest, he's be my boyfriend too.

So, I'd be in a case where I'd have two people with the same word. It might be a bit weird. I can imagine saying "my first husband, my second husband" in a purely chronological way (similar to serial monogamy, except one doesn't have to stop being my husband for the next to become it), but that doesn't work as well with boyfriends.

On the other hand, for people who know them I can use names. I also have three brothers, so saying "my brother" is just as vague.

Right now, when referring to them I say "my guys", but that's as a group.

I do agree it would be useful to have terms that allow you to differentiate while not necessarily putting one person above another.

Obviously, it won't be an issue for me for a while (my relationship with my boyfriend is only two months old - and long distance - we're nowhere near a wife/husband status. And I'm not actively pursuing my love interest, either, at this time.) but it would still be a good thing to define. Reminds me of this comic.
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