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Old 09-14-2010, 10:02 PM
girlcaleb's Avatar
girlcaleb girlcaleb is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Location: The South
Posts: 66
Default Easier said than done... and girl talk

Hi folks. I haven't posted in a while but I have been reading posts. I figured I didn't need to start a topic unless I really needed some outside views. Well here's my question. I have heart failure. No worries, I'm working on getting better. My primary and I have been together for over two years. We discussed getting married last summer(before I got sick). We planned (not really planned but told ourselves we would get hitched...) to get married sometime this summer (2010) if all went well and we still liked each other. Well summer is almost over, we still like each other and our polyness is doing well. We both have relationships we are working on outside of our union. My guy has been getting to know a girl he met two years ago at school and I am actually making progress with a man I have known for five years. Everything is great. Well, everything except my medical problems and this new issue I have. I don't have insurance, never really had it. My guy and I have been paying my medical bills as they come.

If I were to marry my guy I would have coverage. Not sure how much but definitely more than none. Last month I was hit with a new problem related to my heart. We both looked at each other and said "hey, being married could really help with the insurance problem". So I am planning on going to the courts within the next month or so to become Mrs. My Guy. Now, before you get worried, we do love each other very much and we have been living together almost as long as we have been dating, so no worries about 'rushing in' and 'do they know what they are getting themselves into?'. We actually never cared about being married before because we didn't feel the need to do so. This last year has shown us how we can make that little slip of paper work in our favor (and I'm totally turning into a girl about it all. I get giggly just thinking about any type of wedding plans because it's been stamped into my female brain )

My problem is my outside relationship. Poly, for me, has been a long emotional trip. It started about five or six years ago... because of this one boy. I was in a mono relationship when I met him. We became friends slowly. I always had feelings for him from the moment we first met. He also felt the same. He was just too young and I wasn't completely settled with myself. I knew we could not be together at the time. There was also the issue of my anti-poly partner. He was open to my poly ways but only verbally. We could talk about all he wanted but when I tried to get the ball rolling he would lock up and things just didn't last.

Well, the boy and I grew apart for a while. I moved across the country and he had his own life to live. Here we are years later. He's older, I'm (dare I say) wiser, and we still have the same strong feelings for each other. This boy has been against any poly ideas in the past and that was fine with me. He was young (still is) and he needed to experience things his way before he could understand me. I was never pushy or mean to him. I kept my distance when he needed it and we both dealt with our feelings the best way we could.

I have been in contact with him again. Since he is older he has gotten used to me being with my current guy. We skype and chat during the week and he is getting comfortable with the idea that my my guy will not kill him just because he likes me (my ex hated this boy because he knew how I felt about him and the ex was never nice to him). My guy likes the boy well enough. They haven't really gotten a chance to meet. The boy and I have decided to finally meet again (it's been three long years since I've seen him in person).

In October I will make a trip to his town. He lives a few hours away. We are both very excited about it. It will be the first time we have been left alone since we met. Also, it will be the first time the boy has a chance to freely express his feelings for me. He knows how my guy feels and he knows that "I'm allowed" to be with him. I'm not cheating on my guy by being with him.

As I mentioned before the boy is young so all of this poly stuff is still new to him.

Okay after all that back story, here's my question: The boy will have some problems with the idea of me being married to my guy. How do I talk to the boy about this with out scaring him away... again? Almost two years ago when the boy found out about my guy and I he got upset with me. He did not know I was dating again until he read it on that evil thing called facebook. He thought that I'd get into a relationship with him once I was free from my ex. We didn't talk for a few months because he was upset and I was tired of holding his hand and trying to hide things from him. I learned that I had to be open to him completely if he was ever going to get to know the real me. Since then, in the past year and a half we have been talking more and working on our relationship. I finally feel as if we are getting somewhere.

I don't want to mess it up again. I know that if I could get the boy to understand that a slip of paper saying I'm married to one man is not going to change our relationship, he would be able to handle it better. But how do you tell someone this? Easier said then done.

And my guy mentioned that I should tell him soon. To avoid another problem like the one I had two years ago... after the boy found out about me dating again. I know telling him now is right, but how can I make it not hurt and confuse him?

any advise... have you guys dealt with this before?

...and if you have any questions shoot. I know it's a long confusing story.
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