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  #11  
Old 09-13-2010, 09:04 PM
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I love using the term "lover" to refer to the people I'm in relationships with. For me, this doesn't have the connotation of illicitness, though I know for many people it does. To me, a "lover" is someone I love, someone I make love with, and someone who has a more special relationship with me than just a friend.

In casual conversation I might call someone my sweetie or my boyfriend/girlfriend, and in mixed (poly/mono that is) company or when I'm being "formal", I simply call them my partners. All of them. (I do have a husband, by the way, but as we don't live together anymore that term is quite misleading.)
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Old 09-13-2010, 10:04 PM
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Handfasting is a wiccan ritual that binds two people together. It is similar to marriage, but in pagan times it wasn't such a loaded institution as it is today. It was a ceremony to bind people for a time.

The great thing is you can make it what you want. You can have a time limit for the length of your love, or for a year and then renew and go your separate ways, whatever works. The options are endless. Much like poly, the agreement is up to the people involved. There is a ritual to release those bound in a handfasting too, but I have forgotten what its called. I like that its not a divorce, but acknowledges that people change, circumstances change and like the seasons, we are meant to. Both rituals are about the flow of life and honour that. At least from what I have learned.
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  #13  
Old 09-13-2010, 10:27 PM
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It's funny, my lover's wife calls hubby her other husband. My lover has never called me his "other wife." He vaguely references the idea on occasion, "You're practically my second wife," or "You know me better than anyone except ~insert wife's pet name here~." I have no problem with the word "lover." I'd prefer "other wife," but...
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Old 09-14-2010, 01:19 AM
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I kind of understand how your wife feels about the word "lover" but for me it sounds a bit hokey, as well. We, after a year and a half, haven't settled on regular "names" for what we are. Before we even embarked on our quad relationship, though, we were already referring to each other as "other husband/wife", because on the weekends, Easy and Asha would work at the Renaissance Festival, and Sunday and I would usually end up watching the kids together, wandering around the Renaissance Festival as a conglomerate family. People who didn't know us well often assumed that, indeed, Sunday and I were married and all four kiddos were ours. That's why I call him Sunday--he's my Sunday husband. The kids used to call him their Sunday daddy. Lately, Monkey's taken to referring to them as her stepparents, which is something I'm not sure if I like. It just sounds like something that makes them less, to me.

Asha most frequently refers to herself as Easy's other wife or second wife. She hardly ever uses the word girlfriend in that context. However, she has referred to herself as my girlfriend. She has said that she likes the word lover and enjoys being called that. Easy has used it once or twice, but I think he's kind of clueless as to what to call her.

I haven't got any idea if Sunday ever calls me anything, though once we did discuss what we should call each other and he mentioned calling me his Sunday wife.

I like the person who refers to their sweetheart as "koibito", which is Japanese for sweetheart or romantic love. If I could get comfortable using that, I would totally do it.

PS--Easy and I were handfast before we were married. It's in effect a trial marriage, and the original (so we were told) handfasting was for a year and a day. If there was a pregnancy, the marriage became permanent; if there was no pregnancy, the couple could decide whether to stay together or go their separate ways. Because of the laws in the state where we live, when we had our handfasting ceremony we basically had a common law marriage.

Last edited by Lemondrop; 09-14-2010 at 01:30 AM.
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  #15  
Old 09-14-2010, 10:57 AM
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Not long after my relationship started, there was an issue with another of his women/lovers. He told me he thinks of me as a partner, not just a lover. He's since had me added to his doctor's list of people that can call & get info, but on those forms, I'm listed as "friend" -- his wife is listed as wife. When they got married, they had a poly ceremony -- 3 couples were there to represent Lovers Past, Lovers Present & Lovers Future. So he said I was already there & when we went on vacation a few months ago, he bought me a ring to symbolize our love, our partnership. I will always respect his wife as primary & know my place with her. I just wish society would recognize us & accept us more than a cheap affair!!
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Old 09-14-2010, 01:03 PM
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Oh I should mention I am married, in the process of divorce. I call him my (soon to be ex) husband. Then Ive been w my gf for a year and a half. I call her my gf, obviously. The others I see, long distance relationships, I call sweeties, b/c we arent in a real boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I *wish* I had a real boyfriend sometimes.... time will tell if I find the right guy.
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  #17  
Old 09-14-2010, 03:07 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Handfasting is a wiccan ritual that binds two people together. It is similar to marriage, but in pagan times it wasn't such a loaded institution as it is today. It was a ceremony to bind people for a time.

The great thing is you can make it what you want. You can have a time limit for the length of your love, or for a year and then renew and go your separate ways, whatever works. The options are endless. Much like poly, the agreement is up to the people involved. There is a ritual to release those bound in a handfasting too, but I have forgotten what its called. I like that its not a divorce, but acknowledges that people change, circumstances change and like the seasons, we are meant to. Both rituals are about the flow of life and honour that. At least from what I have learned.

Thanks redpepper for the info. I don't think Handfasting is for us. In our minds, marriage is kind of about commitment AGAINST change, that our human will is stronger than circumstances or going with the flow.
I know my wife would not be impressed with an old pagan ceremony, if she cannot legally have what she wants she would rather not have anything.
They will probably just go away somewhere for a romantic weekend and exchange rings or something.
Whatever is sensible and practical.

Oh she doesn't like the term "boyfriend" either. Maybe we are just a bit square Lol.

Last edited by vodkafan; 09-14-2010 at 03:10 PM.
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  #18  
Old 09-14-2010, 07:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
Thanks redpepper for the info. I don't think Handfasting is for us. In our minds, marriage is kind of about commitment AGAINST change, that our human will is stronger than circumstances or going with the flow.
I know my wife would not be impressed with an old pagan ceremony, if she cannot legally have what she wants she would rather not have anything.
They will probably just go away somewhere for a romantic weekend and exchange rings or something.
Whatever is sensible and practical.
Whatever works... Mono isn't all that keen either. I would marry him if he was willing, but he married once and thinks marriage is a one shot thing. No biggy.

Just so you know, I gave you the traditional, old school version, people make handfastings there own and don't call them that necessarily. As I said, like poly, you can make it your own. Sound like they would do that anyway.

I'm not sure I know what you mean about AGAINST change... What does that mean? It's no less of a commitment and doesn't have to be for any period of time, it can be "until death do us part" if you wish... I'm sorry, I'm stuck on the "commitment AGAINST change" bit... to me life is always changing, we don't have control over that. Explain?

I forgot one other term that is used... OSO (other significant other).
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  #19  
Old 09-14-2010, 07:59 PM
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Mmm, Vodkafan, I kind of don't get what you mean about handfasting, either. I've been handfast to Easy for twenty years. We celebrate that anniversary, we count it as our "real" anniversary, we don't miss that anniversary even if we can't do anything for our wedding anniversary. If I handfast with Asha and Sunday, that will be a commitment, a permanent commitment. Just like marriage, sometimes permanent doesn't last as long as you might hope, but the intent will be for a life-long committed relationship. Not that I'm saying you have to like it, mind you, to each his own...I guess I just kind of felt like my commitment was dissed. Handfasting is a very valid form of marriage for Pagans--remember that a Christian wedding is legally only a ceremony if you don't sign a piece of paper.

Last edited by Lemondrop; 09-14-2010 at 08:06 PM.
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  #20  
Old 09-14-2010, 08:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Mono isn't all that keen either.

I admit, conditioning is definitely a factor here. I can't get past the idea of marraige/public declarations of union without intimate exclusivity. I would suck as a poly husband but I make a pretty good boyfriend right
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