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  #11  
Old 09-12-2010, 10:24 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by Thunderlizard View Post
The simplest thing you will need.. is patience. LOTS of patience. The dynamic you're looking for is very common. There's a reason those women who fit the description you're seeking are called Unicorns.. they're not all that common. (ok, maybe women with the right mindset aren't "uncommon", but the ones that then fit into YOUR life and you into THEIRS.. that's where things start getting complex).
You can realistically expect to spend years looking, and go through some broken feelings and difficult situations in between.. it's all part of the process, but it's not like rolling up to the drive through, LOL.
Too bad... "Yeah, I'd like a brunette, long-ish hair, not too skinny, not too heavy, nice rack, blue eyes, great sense of humor. She's gotta like me and the wife both, but maybe be into the wife just a bit more. She shouldn't smoke, drink lightly, and have no baggage in her past to interfere with what we're trying to build. Honest, communicative, and understanding on the side, please"
Unfortunately, it's more complex than that...... but you'll also probably meet some very cool people and have some memories to keep along the way.. we just figure "if we find it, we find it. We'll keep our hopes flexible"... but we wish you luck! (Easy to wish you luck, you're far away, not competition )
You just said it better than anyone I've seen so far, including Xeromag Tacit F. Veaux! Especially the part about "no baggage to interfere with what we're trying to build".
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  #12  
Old 09-13-2010, 01:45 AM
PollyPocket PollyPocket is offline
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I think the the anthropologist said it best in the other thread, where almost everyone agreed...."there can be ONLY one Romantic Love at a time".

So you roll the dice....it may be toward your girl, or it may be toward you. But the reality is that there WILL be an imbalance!! If you can live watching your girl be "in love" with someone else and accept that it is NOT you, then you maybe can accept a Triad.

If you can live with YOU being the one in Love, and the harsh feelings that your girl will experience, then it may also work.

The reality is though, that the odds are way against you! You have to have VERY low expectations, and hope that everyone can practice patience.... a LOT.

Doable for a bit....but a flippin roller coaster ride otherwise. I am living it now. Sooooo amazing at times....so anxiety producing at others. You have to make the choice.

Good luck!
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  #13  
Old 09-13-2010, 07:19 AM
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
"no baggage to interfere with what we're trying to build".
well said Thunderlizard! That is exactly what is thought of when people look for a unicorn it seems... most couples looking for a third of any kind are looking for this. Very short sighted. Who the hell doesn't have baggage! Therefore, why do people think that they will find someone who doesn't! Let alone someone that will be dedicated to just them for the long haul.
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  #14  
Old 09-13-2010, 12:22 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
I think the the anthropologist said it best in the other thread, where almost everyone agreed...."there can be ONLY one Romantic Love at a time".
I haven't been reading that thread, so I'm not sure what you're referring to. However, I'm hard-pressed to believe that "almost everyone" on a forum about polyamory would "agree" to that sentiment.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 09-13-2010 at 02:09 PM. Reason: formatting
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  #15  
Old 09-13-2010, 01:51 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
well said Thunderlizard! That is exactly what is thought of when people look for a unicorn it seems... most couples looking for a third of any kind are looking for this. Very short sighted. Who the hell doesn't have baggage! Therefore, why do people think that they will find someone who doesn't! Let alone someone that will be dedicated to just them for the long haul.
Much better to look for people who's bagage doesn't clash with the stuff you own!
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  #16  
Old 09-13-2010, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Much better to look for people who's bagage doesn't clash with the stuff you own!
Ain't THAT the truth, Derby!
I'm curious about this anthropologist thread, though.. if anyone finds it, can they pm me with it? I don't seem to be able to locate it, but I've only had a half of a coffee so far.
EvRyNY, don't be discouraged, please. The search IS still worth it. Tala and I havent' found that "perfect third", and we've been searching for years.. but we've had some great fun, made some good friends, shared our hearts, and enjoyed a whole bunch. It's been starting to sound a little dark and frustrating.. and it CAN be frustrating. Keep looking.. the rewards of "that feeling", that amazing situation when it's working... that's worth the effort, for SURE. I think I'd call that amazing feeling "thirdvana"... it's more than just the extra love of another person.. it's exponential in it's power. It's worth the search!

I feel like I was really negative before, and I don't want you to think that I mean it sucks. The path you're on can be long and difficult, but it also carries great reward along the way, not just at the end. I just wanted to say, basically, that it won't happen over night, so be patient.. but enjoy the journey, too.. we are!

Last edited by Thunderlizard; 09-13-2010 at 02:44 PM.
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  #17  
Old 09-13-2010, 03:23 PM
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Check my threads thunder. Its one of mine. Her name is Helen Fisher. Very interesting stuff. She doesn't seem to have talked much to poly folk but there is a lot of cross over in what she says about love that is interesting.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3375
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Last edited by redpepper; 09-14-2010 at 08:02 PM.
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  #18  
Old 08-17-2011, 05:57 AM
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Bahalana Bahalana is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thunderlizard View Post
"Yeah, I'd like a brunette, long-ish hair, not too skinny, not too heavy, nice rack, blue eyes, great sense of humor. She's gotta like me and the wife both, but maybe be into the wife just a bit more. She shouldn't smoke, drink lightly, and have no baggage in her past to interfere with what we're trying to build. Honest, communicative, and understanding on the side, please"
Where do I find this restaurant? Do they have a branch in both El Dorado & Shangri La?

Personally I find the most important part of unicorn hunting, other than having the right bait (what they need) and the right unicorn call (how to communicate with them), is having the correct ammunition. Now it stands to reason that if you want to catch a mythical creature you need some serious fire power. I use a round of my own invention, the slug is made from the ivory of the endangered Asian elephant (I have to smuggle this out of china), I then have it turned into rounds by some black market arms dealers in the Philippines, then all I have to do is trick the Pope into pissing on them and get them blessed by the Dalai Lama. Easy peazy lemon squeezy.

No matter what type of armament you choose to employ in your hunt, it's important to remember to aim for the heart. Being mythical you can't actually kill them, so the objective is stun them long enough to run up and get a bridle on them. Another tip, once you've gone through all the trouble of tracking one down and catching it, never make the mistake of thinking you own it for it will certainly run away. That's why I always affix mine with a tracking collar.*
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  #19  
Old 08-18-2011, 02:06 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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For some reason DH and I are lady magnets. I wasnt interested at all in a triad or live in situation. while Im bi and I do enjoy having fun here and there i have yet to fall for someone and I refuse to settle. so it's usually DH that goes on seeing them.

The couple we are seeing now actually started out looking for a 3rd but after years of that not panning out for them they were open to a quad. funny because I was actually originally just going to date them myself but the lady took a liking to DH. probably opened a whole lot of complications since the male is having some jealousy issue with his wife getting close to my husband,

When I was married to my ex his big dream was a triad while I had preferred just to date separately. besides some very casual encounters with friends of mine it never panned out and never would because he wanted polyfi which kind of seems to me to go against the point of being poly. he's also not very warm and social and quite honestly had no game, unlike my dh who is very charming.
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  #20  
Old 08-18-2011, 12:29 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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There are women out there who are drawn to male/female couples, certainly. I'm one of them. Don't be too discouraged, just be open to what you find -- both in other women and in yourselves -- rather than being stuck on a preconceived notion of the one way it's gotta be. Keep a sense of humor, an open mind, and a firm grip on reality.

Most of all, just try not to be these people (it might seem like hyperbole, and to an extent it is, but people actually act this way without realizing how cruel they're being!): http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/hot...hart-large.gif

The simple fact is that interpersonal issues, problems and mismatches are common... every relationship has them, and the relationships that work are the ones where the partners acknowledge those things and work through them, which takes self-awareness, kindness, patience and time. When you're talking about three people instead of two, the problems become literally exponential. To make this sorta thing work, you've got to make sure you've got the issues in the original relationship worked out as much as possible. And you've got to be prepared to see the original relationship potentially change. I think a lot of couples seeking a third fail to recognize that adding another person is likely to shake up their dynamic. When they do realize it scares them and I think that, more than callousness, is what causes them to act in the ways described in the flowchart above.

I'll give you a quick cautionary tale. Before they reached out to me, my girlfriend Gia and her husband Eric dated a woman named Jen. Gia and Jen fell in love. Eric liked Jen a lot and loved the sex and felt like he was "supposed" to love her too, so he went ahead and said he did without examining his real feelings. Suffice to say, when it ended, it was extremely messy and painful for everyone involved.
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